Still Shaky
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| Fri, 11-05-2004 - 4:07pm |
I have made it thru the entire day at work and have to now go home. I talked to the M conselor this morning and told her what happened (I'm sure I will be committed in one of those nice white jackets soon). She has told me that H's anger is coming to the surface as well as his hurt (see Free we should be paying you!). She told me there is nothing I can do about the wedding and I shouldn't go even if he changes his mind because it would be uncomfortable with everyone knowing (I know that his mother has told one or two and so on and so forth). She told me to avoid conflict with him and arguing with him even if it means me going out. He is still planning on going to his session on Monday and she will talk to him then. She also told me if I needed to see her before Thursday to call her Mon. morning, she knows my IC couldn't see me this week because of scheduling conflicts.
I still don't know what to do. My neighbor is insisting that I need to start putting together a plan so that DH doesn't roll over me. She keeps telling me I need to protect myself and the kids. I don't know as much as it hurts right now and as much as what and how DH has talked to me I know in my heart he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or the kids. I am going back to taking it min by min and then I will move hour to hour.
I have decided that I am going to confide in my sister tonight and she said she will be waiting for my call. I don't know yet how much I am going to tell her (about the A or not), but I think that I need someone in my family that I can turn to for support and besides my mom she is all I have. I will be lurking here tonight and probably all weekend. Thank you everyone I really do appreciate the support.
DAF

It seems from your posts that you don't have a plan or a clear intention on what you want to do? You are behaving like a zombie. As I see it, you have two choices, either you keep on acting the way you are and let your marriage disintegrate further and further and let your H leave and in the end you chose your OM/MM (if and when he is available). The other choice is to regret and repent your A, choose your H and then make each and every possible effort to not let the marriage fall any further. To do so, you have to sincerely apologize to your H, tell him you don't want to lose him, that you love him very much, that you can't envision a life without him, that why you did what you did, that you are very sorry for what you did, fall onto his feet if you have to and all of this you have to do with the best intentions and the OM/MM is out of your life forever.
I don't get the impression you have clearly made a choice. The time is now. You have to make a choice now or you may lose something that you could regret forever.
I am surprised at the advice that you are getting suggesting that your H is behaving erratically or selfishly. The poor guy has the ground removed from under his feet and is behaving very civilly if you ask my opinion.
PG
Hi Just thought I would say HI so I have, and to over you a little encouragement.
I know it is cold comfort to you right now but hubbies attitude toward you is not out of the ordinary, that hate you think you saw is only an expression of pain and is to be expected.
Even when you move beyond this crissis point you going to see this happen on and off for a long time to come it is pretty much par for the course.
Your husbands continueing to see the MC is a good thing he needs to deal with the very raw emotions he has from this, sooner or later he is going to ask you WAY and he is going to need a real answer not "I don't know" so try to get a clear answer ready for him via your IC, a real answer could go a long way helping you two to rebuild in the future.
I don't think you need a plan just yet unless you intend to cut and run and I don't think your going to and in all his rage and pain your husband has already told you he is going no were.
Take care
Free
Thank you for your input but obviously you have not been following my posts. xOM has been out of my life, no questions asked since DH told me that was what I needed to do. I have done everything you think I have not and still this is DH's choice. I am in IC counseling and M counseling with DH, still he is saying/acting the same way.
My choice was made 9 wks ago and has never waivered. If you have read my posts you would have seen that I thought about calling xOM but I won't ever contact him again because to do so would risk any hope of rebuilding with DH, which now doesn't even seem possible.
To you it may seem like people are telling me that DH is behaviour isn't acceptable and yes they realize as well as I do that he has been hurt beyond belief, but these people responding have helped me since D day and know exactly what I have been going thru with DH. I would have to agree that DH at first was acting civially and that could be one of our problems but now as many people on here have said all of his pain and anger is coming out. So before you jump to any coclusions about me you should read all of my past posts from the past 9 wks and you will see that it isn't all about this one post.
DAF
I am making that PATIENCE thing work overtime. I know I have to come up with the WHY and last week in both counseling sessions we started to explore all of that. Actually the M counselor told me yesterday when I called her with my crisis that if H says anything else about moving on and decisions to tell him that I need more time. She will see him Monday and try to sort things out. I just have to keep reminding myself to go with his mood swings and like my counselor said, don't provoke him into any kind of fight.
Today has been hard already because he is going to the wedding tonight. Our paths haven't crossed today, only phone conversations, he actually asked me to leave out the card for the wedding for him to take with him and I asked him what card? He said didn't you get a card and I told him NO, sorry you said I wasn't going. He said no big deal I can pick one up. I have made plans to take the kids to a movie and dinner tonight and then we just bought Shreik 2 so we will watch that later. I figured it would be easier on me and a lot less ? from the kids if we weren't here when DH left for the wedding. I am dying inside but I won't show it to the kids.
I had a long talk with my sister last night and told her everything and to my surprise she was very supportive. She is older than me and her first M broke up because xBIL was in a long term A and I wasn't too sure about telling her but I did and I am glad. I actually got a few hours sleep last night after I talked to her.
Just a ? for you Free and anyone else that can answer (I need brutal honesty). H is saying (even to the M counselor) that it is over he has no feelings for me and that isn't going to change. He is sticking to the fact that our M is over for good, no amount of counseling is going to change his mind. At this point I am beginning to believe that he isn't going to change his way of thinking, what's your take? Also after talking to the M counselor she said we have to start thinking about how to tell the kids, does that mean she is thinking it is over too or do you think it is because now DH's entire family knows? What happens if (and I know big IF) we tell the kids and thru some miracle we do end up staying together?
Just a little something that Moe had said once in a post to me and I tried it last night. He told me to stare at H and when he asked me why or what just tell him that I love him or something flattering to him. I did this last night and it drove H nuts, kept asking me why I was staring at him, once I told him I loved him, the next time I said because I want you and then he got pissed. When he asked me again what I told him "You don't want to hear what I am saying" and I just continued to stare at him. So then he got up and got ready for work. My quietness last night drove him insane I could just feel it.
Sorry I got wordy again but this is really the only place I can put all of this down. Gotta run and keep myself busy so I don't get any crazier.
DAF
I am sorry if I made wrong conclusions but I started lurking here a few days ago and have read all of your posts (and I have also read while you were on MAS and know the ugly way your A was discovered and so how angry your H might be) and I got the impression that you and him were treating each other as strangers with minimal conversations (which on his part is expected but not on yours). You mentioned he told you that he was developing feelings for the neighbor, was going to wedding alone, was going out for beer nights alone and all that and I didn't read about your protests and pleadings. That would be something that I would be doing non-stop. Maybe you didn't write about it. Sorry, my mistake. I really still think it’s important that you go to the wedding with him.
PG
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My take is H is beginning to cycle through the very normal grief stages (in no particular order:- denial, pain, anger, acceptance) and it will take TIME for him to be in a place where he is clear enough about what he wants to be certain that is what he wants.
Better still, here is Shirley Glass' take on it, hon. I've quoted a small portion of it, but the full link is here http://www.shirleyglass.com/newsday.htm (Note to Free: please ALWAYS provide the links) Explore the Shirley Glass site, Daf, there is a huge amount of very good relevant information there for you and anyone else going through this.
From "Not `Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass PhD
"One-on-one counseling may help them take responsibility for their actions and understand the magnitude of the situation. But the healing process takes time, therapists say.
"The person who had the affair usually wants to rush everything," Zentman says. "That's the worst thing you can do. You cannot force someone to get over an affair any more than you can force a flower to grow. When the person who has the affair tries to put pressure on the person to get over it faster, that slows down the process."
The wounded partner must be given time to be angry and hurt. The betraying spouse "created a situation," Zentman says, and now has "to live with it."
One way to rebuild trust is by being willing to be on a short leash and account for every moment. "Say, 'Any time you want to call, call,'" Zentman advises. "This gives the aggrieved a sense of control and access."
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This is something only your M counsellor can answer. What she is thinking isn't for me or for anyone else to say. She has all the facts before her, she has your input as well as your husband's input and I wouldn't dare hazard a guess. Exploring all avenues is what you are paying her to do, honey, and this is only one avenue.
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Then your children will have the privilege of seeing firsthand their parents having tackled a huge problem together and it will demonstrate that mature relationships are something which have to be worked on as a team. Not such a bad lesson to teach a child really, is it?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Were it comes to the MC and what she thinks, talk to her first she may mean something other then what you think, remember you and hubby get to make the decisions about what and when to tell the children anything.
I think your hubby got pissed because what you said pleased him inside and he does not want to be pleased right now he wants to be angery and hurt.
The artical that Poise posted part of said a great deal when it said not to try and rush him that I think is the worst possible mistake you could make next to haveing any sort of contact with XMM.
For the time being keep doing what your doing, take it one day at a time, let time and the MC do there jobs, do none intrusive little things for him day by day and then WAIT PATIENTLY.
Free
PS: Be as wordy as you need to be, it is better that you vent here rather then lose it with DH
Free, I am going by what the M counselor is telling me and yes she also said PATIENCE. I also have control issues and the counselors are working on that. I am going to continue treating H like I did last night no matter how pissed he gets because like the counselor said I have to avoid an all out fight with him.
I took the kids out to a movie and dinner, we had fun. However DD remembered the wedding and started to panic and wondering why I hadn't gone. She told me that my MIL had told her I was going, I just said that DH and I didn't want to leave the two of them home alone for that long of a time and because MIL was going I decided to stay with them. I think she bought it. We left before H was even up but I left him a note telling him where we were going and that I had my cell phone with me if he needed something. I told him to have a good time and not drink too much because he was driving. I ended it with I Love you. He left it sitting on the counter in the kitchen. I think I am going to watch a DVD with the kids now and then when they go to bed, I am going to soak in the jacuzzi tub with bubbles, a glass of wine, my candles and a book.
I am going to force myself to stay away from my office the rest of the night. Thanks again you guys without you I wouldn't be able to make it thru these days.
DAF
I don't have anything additional to add, except to send you my support and best wishes. You are doing the right things and I am here for you, along with all the others. Hang in there--I hope you guys work it out :-)
Meg