Find a Conversation
|Fri, 06-06-2014 - 4:42pm|
I have been lurking on this and other affair related boards for awhile- but this is my first post.
I was in an A- that ended a month ago and if it wasn't for TU's Tough Love letter- I would still be drowning in a sea of tears, depression and loss. That letter so helped me gain perspective and see the light and for that I am so incredibly grateful.
Despite that I am still really struggling. I truly believe everything in TU's letter and recognize intellectually that my feelings for the AP are self-indulgent and probably off-base- but we truly believed that we were perfect for each other. So much so that he was in the processing of divorcing and I was looking for the easiest way out of my marriage. We both have kids- he was in the process of buying a house in my town so my kids wouldn’t be displaced, we had determined the best custody arrangement so that we could co-parent. Delusional as it probably was, we truly thought that we would be better, more present and effective parents for our kids if we were couple- we would raise each other up to be the best we could be (in everything, not just parenting). Now, looking at the destruction we would have caused with the belief that it was the right thing scares the crap out of me. Still, it is so hard to move on from this intense love I feel for him and I know he feels for me.
I found this quote that perfectly describes our relationship better than I could:
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
So what happened? As he was leaving the marriage last month, separation papers signed and he was moving out, his wife begged him to try to stay and work it out. She had been doing this for a few weeks but he was not giving in- both because of me and because he had tried to get the marriage to work for 2 years and nothing had improved. She said something to him that clicked and he called me hours before I was supposed to get on a plane (we live in separate cities) to see him. I was so crushed; I felt abandoned and lost. My future, the one we had been planning together, was now blown up.
After reading TU’s letter- I felt so much clarity. I became grateful to my AP for having the wisdom and strength to break things off before we couldn’t turn back. I love him more for it and know that the path we were on would not have ended well. We would not have been able to live a life of bliss that we imagined knowing how many people we would hurt to satisfy our own selfish, self-absorbed, needs.
He is now trying very hard to make things work with his wife. He told her a little about me (which I am angry and confused about) and understandably she is threatened. A major issue is that we work together and need to talk so no contact is difficult. I believe that she has forbid him as of yesterday not to talk to me- that he can only email. I know NC is important to distance myself, but I am having trouble with this on so many levels. First, I just lost my best friend. I need him right now and I know he needs me. We are completely in agreement that we can not move forward as a couple that it is very important that we make our marriages work. We are united in this- no matter how difficult or painful it is. But, my exAP knows me better than anyone, he knows what I need and I truly feel like if I had that guidance that I could take it back to my marriage to help it. Understandably, his wife doesn’t agree (my husband doesn’t know anything about my A)- what wife would? The other issue I have with this, and I know that it is none of my business anymore, but I feel like her forbidding him is putting him back on the wrong track with her. She is controlling- it is one of their issues and I feel like he is giving in to her again and I just want to be able to tell him that. But, another part of their agreement is that anything we talk about (if we do talk again) he has to relay everything back to her… so no way can I tell him. I get all of this- intellectually- I get it why it has to be this way, but my heart doesn’t, I’m crushed.
Anyway, that is my story. I am very grateful to this board, I have gotten so much from it just as a lurker and I wanted to share in hopes anyone else had more to add to help me through what has been the toughest time of my life.