Still torn and it's killing me
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| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:43pm |
I never felt so attracted to anyone before in both those ways. He challenged me where I wanted to be a better person, I got to have those nicer dinners, we didn't worry about how we spent our money, he is successful, independent, does everything right and we would feel like we lived in our own world and happy about it. The problem and why we plit up was becasue I never fel;t secure in him or that he woudl committ. he said he would but it never happened or at least it could not because we would always split up every other month. Something would happen he didn't like, he would get mad and he would end it then we would get back together days, weeks or even two months later. We talked to have fun but we never sat down and talked about serious things, he was not my best friend like my husband was. I never felt he loved me unselfishly, I felt that it was his relationship, it was his needs, his home, his friends, his time schedule. I always had this resentment towards him for these things like I was not first or loved like my husband did but themn looking back maybe i was too hard or expected too much or maybe it was not fair to compare. I felt he didnt care for my feelings or ehat was important to me sometimes njot liek my husband so I ended it and wetn back to him. Now, everything that turmed me off my husband is again and I am thinking about the man I had the affair with and he wants me back now too. I have talked to him and told him I just dont know what to do, he wanted to see me but I told him no. I just dont know what to do.
I wish I could feel this for my husband so we can have a life together to not care so mucyh about the better financial life with the affair man or the attraction. I wish I had that for my husband but I dont know how to get that back. I keep thinking my true happiness is with my affair but then I camnt hurt ym husband again and I still have dounts about him if he would stay with me this time and not split up, the affair, and can I live knowing that he is a selfish man and I will not be able to open up and I will eb afarid to say what is ony my mind, he has a bad temper and feels he does nothign wrong. maybe neither of them are right for me I just dont know. I just wish I knew what to do. I have been happy with my husband before, how do I get that back, how do I just say it didnt work with the affair so just let it go. I have no motivation, I am sad all theh time and I just want to be normal. Any advice, any help?

My heart goes out to you. I can relate to your pain as I to am still torn. My H and I have been married for 11 years and we were very good friends; though we didn't have that special love bond we all ache for. We wanted the same things, I thought, and so we got married and had two beautiful DDs. We have had problems throughout our entire marriage and so a little over 2 years ago we both had affairs. I actually left my H and moved in with my OM. It was incredible! The love I feel for him is indescribable. I didn't think it was possible, at least for me, to have desire, passion and complete compatibility with another human being. That one year together was wonderful. We had a few minor problems but we talked them out. Well, my H was so devistated. He loves me so much, he wanted to go beyond our past and try to work things out. I teetered (sp?) back and forth the entire year I was gone, mainly because of my children and also because I felt like a failure for giving up. Well, I talked to OM and told him I had to try again, even if it was mainly for the sake of my DDs. My OM told me he loved me and didn't want me to leave but that he understood because he had aslo been in that situation before. So, I did leave and go back to my H. That was to hardest thing I have ever done. I've been back about a year and it hasn't been easy for either one of us. I miss and ache for OM every day. However, I have to tell you it is getting a tiny bit easier with time. The main reason I responded to your message was to let you know that there is a program out there that may actually be able to help you and your husband to reconnect. It is called Retrouvaille. My H and I just attended and it has actually opened my heart to my H. Even just a tiny bit is a miracle to me. You can check out the site at www.Retrouvaille.org Also, please know that you are not alone. I wish you all the best. BTW, from what you say, it doesn't sound like your OM was very good to you. You do know that you deserve to be treated better than that, don't you??? Please check out Retrouvaille, it could help.
With Love,
Justwantlove
I think you need to be really honest with yourself and see what you had with XOM was fun and exciting yes but it did not make you happy, there is a big difference between the two things.
Om man is mean and selfish sooner or later he will find someone else to have irisponsible fun with, and all the fights could mean that he was doing that when he was with you.
The program the other poster recommended has a very good reputation well worth considering.
Happy and stable are real bed fellows, happy and fun and exciting are not, you need to be making mature adult decisions before your husband has had enough and makes it for you.
JMHO
Free
You posted on another board, and I responded there as well.
I agree with Free (listen to her, she gives great advice).
I also believe that you can have the "happy, fun and exciting" in your marriage again. There's a reason that books such as "101 Nights of Romance" are hot sellers. I myself, and planning on buying this book as a shared Christmas present for DH and I.
After spending 14, 15 or more years with the same person, it takes work, and lots of it to keep the spark ignited. There are so many factors that extinguish that, but then there are many that can ignite it again (if that's what you want).
I know with children, bills, work, everyday life - that the excitement of someone new and the attention they pay you can seem like the very best - but please Daniella, don't let "financial freedom" dictate how you feel about your husband. Your MM doesn't sound like he has your best interest at heart, and no amount of money is going to change that. In fact, sometimes having less is more! It just means that you have to be more innovative in your ideas.
My DH is my best friend as well, and he has proven that even more over the past year. Anybody else would not have/could not have provided me with the unconditional love that this man has. That in itself, has provided me with the foundation to "falling in love" all over again.
There are instances where marriages are doomed. Physical and verbal abuse situations for instance. But in cases where two people truly care for each other, but have only taken temporary detours - have a chance! Give it time Daniella - time and effort to rekindle the relationship you once had.
Take care
Red
I needed anti-depressants to help me through. From the sounds of things, maybe you should visit your Dr as well.
I'm not saying that is the cure to a broken heart, but if you are experiencing depression, as I was (not only from reprocussions of the affair, but that seemed to enhance my symptoms) they may help you.
Otherwise, there may be other recommendations that the Dr will have for you.
Red