still trying to make sense of it all....
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| Wed, 05-26-2010 - 11:34am |
I've been mostly lurking for several months--trying to work on myself and just staying "quiet". I'm realizing that approach isn't working so well. I need to start participating in more talking, sharing and helping here. I can't go this alone. ):
Iddy wrote something today that was such an eye-opener for me:
"If he wanted out of his M he would have just left, but sometimes all these people want is for their spouse to pay attention to them again. M's get dull and routine and an A is a drastic measure many take to shake up the boredom."
This describes my situation exactly. During my two year A there were so many times that I *heard* MM talk about how his W was "always reading, or only paying attention to the kids, or more interested in volunteering, or going to bed at a different time than him"..........
I realize now that he was begging for his wife to pay attention to him and I was on the sidelines filling that role. And then, when the planned d-day happened and he told his wife he was leaving--she immediately kicked him out of the fog and told him within minutes that wasn't going to happen. And I have a feeling he de-fogged very very quickly and was probably relieved.
The biggest struggle for me, if I'm really honest, has been wondering (ok I know this sounds shallow and victim thinking) why I was so *disposable* in the end--he walked away 5 months ago and has never once looked back--hasn't fished, hasn't done a thing to show any sort of caring. I was tricked into the whole "love of my life, soulmate, true companions" rountine. I have beat myself up thinking, "I wasn't enough"---those old tapes in my head telling me that I lost. That she won. When all along, I was always the loser. But, I really truly believed, based on all he did to plan our life--buying the house, the diamond ring, etc.--that I was the chosen one.
Iddy's statement made me think today. Ladies, I still need your help to process all this. It wasn't that I wasn't enough--it's that I wasn't ever meant to be with him--I was only the girl filling his life up on the side. Even though he planned OUR entire life, it didn't matter. He was just re-enacting what he REALLY wanted with her. He wanted his wife of 20 years. He was bored. He was a serial cheater who hadn't been caught. He wanted HER, his wife, to pay attention to him.
Oh, this hurts. It's hard to admit to myself why I ignored all the obvious signs. Plus, I'm five months out you guys!!! 5 months and yet the healing and grieving feelings still feel so raw some days! Shouldn't I be further along than this? I mean, how much counseling do I need? Why can't I just let it go? Why didn't I realize during all of this that he wanted her all along? Why didn't I take control and stop the A on my terms, like I wanted to, so that I could feel at least some power? Instead, I allowed it all to end on his terms--their terms. And I'm left with a seriously failing marriage, a horrific d-day and all these pieces to put together.
I'm sad today.
Thanks for hearing me out.....
Hugs and healing to all, LL

LL,
There was a post made by an XMM that used to be on
~Iddy~
Oh Iddy, I just want to hug you right this minute!
Thank you for digging that up from the archives...I remember that post resonating with me when I read it from a poster--but this time, well, I'm going to print and save.
This all hit a nerve today. Although in many ways I have healed, defogged, regained integrity and resumed my presence in both work and home--I continue to feel *haunted* by some things that I can't get sorted out. This whole winning vs. losing thing. It's alot about my family of origin I know.
My A was most definately about an insecure man who needed and wanted validation--and he found it--with an insecure woman who equally needed validating, me. I could have been any woman I suppose. But I needed him too much eventually.
What he really wanted was that "unattainable prize". His wife.
Thank you also for simply telling me it's ok to hurt, be angry and so confused, feel conflicted and be all over the map--EVEN at the 5 month mark. Somehow, that validation alone gives me solace. Affair damage isn't something we "snap out of", is it?
My best to you, LL
Life,
>>Affair damage isn't something we "snap out of", is it?<<
Not a chance. ;-) You also mentioned that you haven't been posting much lately and that you need to get back to it. I totally agree. I've missed you around here and I think it would be very therapeutic for you too. Even though it's only been 5 months for you, I know you have
~Iddy~
LL- I am so sorry you are hurting. I really am. We can all relate and I wish so much I could take all of the pain away from everyone here. I just want us all to be happy.
Iddy- that post you dug up was amazing. Simply amazing. Thoughts I knew deep down but were never able to articulate. So glad I logged on tonight.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/