still waiting for a response from him
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| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 8:06pm |
I am so surprised by what I read on these message boards, and so grateful for what I read. I thought my experience was so unique, only to find out how common it really is. I have gained quite a bit of strength from all of your experiences, and am looking for some support for myself.
My MM and I have been together for 6 months. Initially, I was pretty casual about this relationship, really enjoying that for the first time in any relationship I have been in, it was he who seemed to need and want me more than I did him. I was completely unphased that he went home to his wife and kid, and that we would sometimes go several days at a time without speaking. But then, shortly before Christmas, he took me away for the most romantic weekend of my life. I discovered how great he is, great in the sense of our passion, our deep, mutual understanding of each other, our effortless communication, our thrill of fueling each other's happiness.....nothing that any of you don't already relate to! I found it impossible to settle for our stolen moments together and tried to end it the first time a short time ago. I realized that I was testing him, and was so relieved that it didn't end, but seemed to go even further.
This past Thurs he told me he loved me, that this is the "real" deal for him, and he is confused about how to leave his wife. I was shocked and couldn't sleep at all. The next day he called me to wish me a Happy New Year (it was New Year's Eve) and volunteered that he was making a shrimp and filet dinner (sounded cosy) and that he was going to play with his kid (mentioned somewhat defensively). He gave no indication of the previous night's incredible events at all. I waited all weekend to hear from him and by Sunday, finally realized and accepted that he is quite happy and content with his wife and home life. I may be completely different than she in every way, but he is not unhappy.
I finally made THE call, and told his voice mail that I loved him too much to wait for his calls, that I deserved so much more than being the other woman, that he did love his wife and to go work in his marriage. I ended it with an unceremonial "See Ya".
Now here is my horrible dilemma. I have not heard one word from him. He called Sun night but didn't leave a message. Nothing all day today. I am afraid I hurt him terribly, that maybe he meant what he said and now thinks I don't care. I am losing my strength and need to know I did the right thing, that there would most likely be nothing but pain and misery ahead as I waited for him to make a move I know in my heart he is not going to make.....please, someone, tell me I did the right thing by preserving my self esteem by nipping this in the bud.

Harmony,
You did the right thing. I say this without one ounce of doubt. I know you are not sure about what you did. That is normal.
Keep telling yourself this every time you start to worry about whether or not you hurt him:
He is where he wants to be. And it's not with me. I am hurt. He is not here to hold me while I get it all out. I had dinner alone tonight. He made a great dinner for his family and he didn't care if I ate or not. I told him how much I loved him. He called back and not only did he not return my love verbally, he didn't even bother to say hi.
He doesn't care about me because he is leaving me here in confusion and pain. Anybody can pull off a romantic weekend. Real caring and love is shown in the day to day. Which he is giving to his wife and family. Not me.
I love myself so damn much that I will not allow myself to be used like this. And I will leave what is not mine alone. Period.
Dump him. Now. You call the shot. Silence. NC. And don't look back.
Faith
Oh God, Crissy, thanks for saying this. As I sit, willing the phone to ring, I have been all over the place trying to justify his silence. But you are right, I keep coming back to the truth that if he wanted to call, he would have. But God it's painful coming to terms with this, even though I know it's better to bite the bullet up front and feel this pain now, then to drag it out for years, even, like some of my friends, who wish they ended it earlier. I just can't quite believe he hasn't called, but in a way, I am grateful for NC to not have to really say goodbye.
Good luck to you as well, I am sorry but grateful that we're in this together!! : ) Makes me feel better to know you know how I feel!
Faith,
Reading your words are like a putting ice on a burn (a weird metaphor, but the best I can come up with, and very sincere!!). I can't believe I am feeling this pathetic, but I AM kind of wounded that he didn't even try to fight for me. But let me put that aside, and focus on your words, because they ring true. He is not calling to see if I am okay, he is not making an effort to see me, he is not contacting me at all. And I do know it is best this way. But my God it felt good to read your reinforcement! Thanks for your strength, am feeling much better.
Oh Harmony I'm so sorry if my words hurt you...I meant to help you get your backbone up and realize that you're not losing anything here except the capacity for great, great pain as more time in this mess passes.
My story is long and sad. My life could be totally different had I come to this board years ago. No one close to me could get through to me about how I was totally derailing my chances for a happy, normal life.
I found a great strength in some of the hardest words that were posted to me here and it is what got me out. Every day that passes now, I am clearer and stronger and it is painful for me to see myself in you and others here. I'm not emotionally free from my experience. It may take years to be. And I will live with the consequences of my poor choices forever no matter what it looks like on the outside.
You're here for support and this is the best I know how to do that. I see posts like this and I wish someone had gotten through to me many years ago. I am trying to do that for you.
Faith
Faith,
I knew the ice on the burn metaphor was not a good one! I meant that your words were very, very soothing to me! I am in the strangest pain through this....I was in agony when I made the decision to leave my husband, although I don't regret it to this day, I was tortured when I ended a relationship with the love of my life whom I suspected (and was right) that he was settling for me, but this pain is different. Weird to have control and feel rejected at the same time. And damn if these boards aren't helpful. In fact, it wasn't until I "researched" this topic and discovered that many, many other women felt like me that I even had the courage to make the final call. So please know, you have helped me tremendously. And comforted me tremendously. Wish I could have been there for you when you really needed it too.
Doesn't it feel good to know that there are others like us here? I thought that I wanted mine to call too...so that I could have SOMEthing from him...ANYthing from him. And ya know what...he never said anything to make anything better for me when he did call.
So...let him be happy or unhappy or whatever with his wife....I don't need what he "doesn't" have to offer me.
We can do this....keep up the NC. I never would have believed that it was the right thing for me to do...until I got through a few days of NC without him clouding up my head with his so called sincere concern for my well being. He made a choice...and he doesn't get to know how I feel anymore. I will get better...but it has to be without him.
Good luck to us!
I appreciate that, Harmony.
If it makes you feel better, know that you are helping me now. Just seeing the life come back to you in that last post reinforces for me that when someone like you gets stronger we all get stronger.
So many people read these boards and never post, they get strength from all of our stories too.
You gave a great gift to many when you put your heart out there for us all to see.
You are much stronger than you realize and I'm sure many others reading your words will make better choices because of the courage you showed in asking for help.
So thanks right back at ya!
Faith
Harmony,
PLEASE do not contact him!!!! You definately did the right thing. And let me just tell you that you will get over this so much easier knowing that YOU were the one to end things. NOT HIM!!! I've been through this! I ended things with my xMM twice and felt good about it until I went back to him both times. This last time it was him who decided to stay with his wife after he already had his bags packed and was on his way to me. He ended it this time, and it is final, and it hurts so much more knowing that it was MY pride that was sacrificed. I know I could deal with this so much easier if it was my choice. So you did the right thing. Now don't make the mistake that most of us did by going back. It will only cause more heartache in the long run! You're not the only one who was promised a future. My xMM was only a millimeter away from leaving, his W even told me so. IT SUCKS!!! Hang in there!!!
Pal