struggled today

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
struggled today
12
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:09pm
Saw him in a meeting. I ignored him. This is so hard. Feel raw and open, at times feel so guilty for even indulging in these emotions. Does this messy feeling get better? Did any of you feel like you failed? I feel like that all the time. I failed my H, my family, my M, my friendships, my work, and yes, even him. I am horrified that I've gone so deep in to this place where I hardly recognize myself. What did you all do to start feeling better about yourselves?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2011
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:57pm
I run...just like Forrest Gump I guess...I run until I can't run anymore some days and I am not a fitness fanatic, but it has been a great release for me. Although, sometimes it just hurts and we have to feel it until it goes away. Today was a tough day for me too...actually missed xAP terribly and H was a jerk today - I'm sure the two are related. At any rate...it will get easier - keep your chin up! You WILL make it through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 9:10pm

Yes, Cando, this messy feeling will get better, but it won't happen overnight.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 9:43pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 6:07am
Thanks for all the replies, they truly help..helps to know what I'm feeling has been felt before by others and that there is light at theend of the tunnel...I want to work on stopping wanting to hear from xAP. I lnow its my ego crying for attention. I am so lucky to have found this board and have so much support in the posts and the articles. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 6:46am
CanDo,

I'm 7 weeks NC and dread the day that I walk into a meeting an have to see XAP. She and I have had occasion to be in the same meeting in the past and am sure we will again. So, to me, you've made it over a major hurdle. Ignoring him sounds like the perfect response; Good going!

Recognizing our shortcomings (failures) is necessary part of this path. We didn't keep to own personal standards, and that can hurt; as can recovering from that. You've gotten good advice here and hope you'll take some of it. The ladies, and a few men, here know what you are going through and know what works. Theirs is good advice to trust to help yourself through this period.

For me, the thing that has helped me feel better has been to recognize that I am solely responsible for my happiness. Of course, there are going to be things that will annoy, upset, and anger me, but I control my response to them. We all do. We are going to run into things everyday that challenge our happiness; traffic, weather, the boss, the S in a bad mood, the long line in the grocery store with the new kid working a summer job who doesn't have a friggin' clue about how to work to cash register. So what? Who says that any of those things are supposed to upend our happiness? Being responsible for our own doesn't mean that we won't be sad on occasion and even 'miss' XAP, even if that's kind of like missing that shard of glass that got stuck in your foot while walking barefoot over the insanely hot sand at the beach Iast year (there's an analogy in there somewhere); gotta remember to wear sandals over the hot sand. Sadness is permitted, but YOU have to take responsibility for that too.

It's like this, "hearing from the XAP" isn't going to make you happy; only you can make you happy. Some people will say you have to stop wanting to her from him, but really, you have to start wanting to be happy.

You WILL get through this.

MPV
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 8:58am
it IS hard.

Messy feelings do get better but the success depends on if you are actively working on how you got to where you are. All of us humans use the four motivators of applause, attention, acknowledgement (validation), and approval in formulating our emotional/egotistical health. Let's face it - all of us have a problem in one of these areas in order to get in to an A.

Feelings of failure I think are pretty normal - and you do get to a point of realizing that failure depends on perspective. Choose to not let your A define the rest of your life. Eventually there is a click inside where you can look at the xAP objectively and realize that what was is not, perhaps never was - but at the end of the day - IT DOESN'T MATTER.

For me - whenever I was feeling down - I used serving others as a way to boost me back up - I'd make goodies or treats for neighbors or coworkers, volunteer somewhere, etc. Or I'd get outside and run or walk, or I'd use Bodhi's pros/cons card excercise to help me work through whatever it was that was bogging me down. Obviously I still had to work but when it hit me at work I'd remind myself that I'm grateful for being able to move forward, with my kids, feeling stronger.

Practice smiling at yourself in the mirror. I know it sounds kooky, but we stop smiling during ending and that drags us down.

I hope you are feeling better today - You are not so deep that you cannot reach out a hand to all of us, so you can climb out. It takes time.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 11:44am
Good for you for ignoring him.

I really love MPV's reply . . . it is something that my H and i worked on during a marriage building seminar - "Your response is YOUR responsibility," no one else's.

You can choose to respond by wallowing and missing Xap or whatever or you can respond by reframing those thoughts into something positive that moves you forward.

YES, I felt those feelings of failure. "If only" I'd done this or that then the A wouldn't have happened, blah blah blah.

But, those thoughts are not very helpful. Rather, think of the SUCCESS you are striving toward on now that you've ended th A and will never go back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 8:36pm
MPV, your response cut through my confusion with its clear logic and kindness. Thanks. What you say are really basic things to remember, aren't they, yet I frequently forget I am not so helpless that i can't control my own responses. Always, thanks for the reminder to think of others - I did do that today by helping out colleagues without expectation. Nvr, true, I do the 'what if' A LOT!! I think I get a pay-off I think, because it helps me avoid taking responsibility for what I did do. Gotta stop that. I've decided to go back to therapy to work these things out.
Well.. Interesting day. We had this cross-dept.huge meeting that I normally don't go to, except our group was asked to attend by managemant. Yep, he was there. I did my whole ignoring thing. Then out of the blue, our group got recognized for some work and my name was up on the screen and I had to walk up to the front of the room to collect the award. He was right at the front, I could feel him look. I felt so awkward, because the guy next to him was applauding and yelling congrats and I had to focus on him but avoid catching xAPs eye. It was hard being there with him for 2+ hours. I felt kind of numb. We are communicating for work via email, and he is being prompt with his replies. Even though my responses are almost monosyllabic and strictly business, I feel I'm connected in some way. Seeing him two days in a row has not helped. I am hoping going to therapy will be the support boost I need. Getting the award, unexpectedly, felt good. Being in the same room with him, felt awful. Not going to dwell on it. Thanks everyone for your words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 2:26am
Congratulations on your award CanDoThis. I can just picture you up the front of the room, cool and calm and avoiding xAP's eye, while you received your award. Way to go!

Hopefully the weekend will give you a chance to rest and recharge. I am full of admiration for the work you are putting into maintaining LC.

Hugs and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 5:55am
Thanks Kat, your saying that means a lot!

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