Struggling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Struggling...
6
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 10:28pm

Well, it's been OVER for a week now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 10:48pm

Right, you can do this!

Stay strong because this period is going to be the toughest. You did the right thing by telling your husband and confiding in the clergy. I applaud you for doing this! A good way to forget about xAP is to refocus that energy into our marriage/husband.

The best thing you can do for his wife is to leave them alone. That is what they want in the end. An apology does less then walking away. Does that make sense?

So far you have done the right thing. Please don't act upon wanting to know what is going on between them. That is their issue alone.

Take baby steps but you will be fine. I have faith in you! I'm so proud too (I know I said this a zillion times already) but that you're coming 'clean' per se. You should feel good and know that you are on the right path. It will be rocky but hopefully this will bring you and your husband closer.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 10:48pm

"My clergy said that someday I could, and probably should for my own sanity, tell her I'm sorry for what happened."

Clergy are not counselor's - sorry if that offends anyone, but this is absolutely horrific advice, because as you say yourself, this would be about your own sanity. If you are concerned about your sanity, see a Therapist, do not go near that family again.

Tough love, but the fog is lingering.

I am sorry you are hurting and hope for your own well being, and your H, that you get some professional mental health services. As for intimacy after Dday - my H and I had lots of it too right after - it was just coping in the chaos, and when the hurt, anger and fear surfaced, the loving left. I also felt that I wasn't in any position to consent because I felt too damn guilty and afraid of how my H would feel/react given that I had been sharing my body so freely with my XAP.

Please take care of yourself right now...

Jodi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 10:53pm

I wasn't going to say much on this but I agree with jodi... IF (this is a big IF) the opportunity presents itself where you meet his wife, then of course, do apologize. BUT do not go out of your way to get in touch with her to apologize.

You never know how they will react and what your xAP has been telling her about you.

Right now you need to focus on you and your family.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 5:23pm

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 7:03am

ajaycee--what a tumultuous weekend for you!! I know you are so full of confused and mixed emotions still. You want to know his W forgives you, you know you shouldn't talk to her, you want to see if xap is okay, you know you shouldn't talk to him, you're grateful for DH's support, you feel relief, you feel sadness, etc, etc, etc. So many strong emotions to deal with at one time.


Now more than ever I think you would benefit from the thread in the Healing Library called "The Zen of Doing Nothing." It is awesome. The gist of it is that it is okay--and highly recommended--to JUST DO NOTHING for a while. We can't make good decisions based on highly charged emotions. There is nothing wrong with sitting on some feelings for a while and not acting on anything. Please read it, I think it will help you a lot.


Keep posting with your progress. Lean on this board for strength. We are here for you.


~alwayst

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 8:34am

Hi Ajay-

I could have written your words. I often think of xap's wife. I often think of xap. I find myself one moment wanting to apologize to them and the next wanting an apology from xap. The emotions we deal with are excruciating, aren't they? I too have a wonderful H... one that i certainly don't deserve after all I've done to him. The guilt can be overwhelming. I am learning to let it go. If my H can forgive me, then I really need to forgive myself for betraying him and driving a wedge between us.

But all of these emotions have taught me, that it's better to do NOTHING than to act upon them... mostly because they change so much. Give this time. Feel the emotions- it's ok to feel them as long as you don't act upon them and reach out to xap. I promise that in a couple days you will feel completely different, and then a couple days after that, different again. We are on a wild roller coaster ride towards healing. Keep your eyes ahead. Read the healing library. Come here for support. You are doing the right thing. Invest in the wonderful H of yours and the pain of the A will slowly start to fade away.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/