Struggling and bad dream last nite...
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Struggling and bad dream last nite...
| Wed, 01-05-2011 - 2:58pm |
I have really been struggling the past couple of days but haven't been able to post until now.
| Wed, 01-05-2011 - 2:58pm |
I have really been struggling the past couple of days but haven't been able to post until now.
The subconcious can do some pretty amazing things! In a way, you saved yourself without really knowing it. Yes, the pain is deep and raw and it will be for awhile. I don't know the specifics of an M (since I was S at the time), but the pain and devistation that would be caused by a D-Day would top what is going on now; since you'd have multiple layers to deal with. I'm sure some of the M ladies can chime in on that one more specifically.
I will say though, I know what you mean by having a dream so vivid that you are sure it was real. In a way, a dream 'saved' me as well; just before I ended all contact I had a terrible nightmare, the type where you wakeup in a cold sweat and shaking. I don't even remember what it was anymore, only the fear and then thinking to myself 'he's not here, he won't ever be either. I've only got me, and if I ever want anyone else I have to get out of this situation'. And so I did. Sometimes we're ready for things without realizing it. Deep down you are stronger than you realize and it came through in the dream by saing 'here, take this to chew on' so you could get through the pain you're going through at the moment. It doesn't do well to say 'well, at least it's not that kind of pain' and somehow dismiss what you're going through - but it was a wakeup call to yourself about just what it was you had on the line.
The dream aside, and I don't think that you need to be reminded but - the pain won't stop if you contact xAP. It just won't. Maybe it will for a few moments, but then you'll have that sick anxious feeling again very shortly after. There's no 'pain reduction' if you throw yourself back into the fire. I know this, because I did it twice...and I'm far more pain-free now than I ever was while in contact with xAP and I didn't have an M or H to remind me of what I could lose/what I had done. So, I understand the urge to reach out to stop it...but it will only stop for a moment, and then you'll have to do the ending all over again. I'm sure you get this, or at the very least you do on some level, so I won't harp on it ;) In a way though...thank goodness for nightmares? Better in your mind than it happening in real life.
Ah, and of course - thank you for posting your weak moment here. If you can though, try and post here (if you can) when you get these urges rather than leaving it up to chance of a scary dream.
((hugs!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
First I want to say great job in working through your feelings and not contacting your xap. You said " I just didn't care anymore, I just wanted the pain to stop." Well sister...any contact with XAP will only cause MORE pain ... never less...NEVER. Sure you may here some people say that by making contact it caused a push forward or some new understanding...and while that may be true, the fact remains that more PAIN came from breaking NC than by holding onto it.
Second...I am glad that your dream scared the bajezus out of you! But I am here to tell you that what your little subconscious imagines the pain of your H to be....times that by 10000 to get a somewhat idea of what it would really be like. Take heart and really listen...like really listen...to the stories of NCx or more recently Feelinglousy. They are living a hell right now because of a dday. Remember that each time you reach out to XAP could result in such a disaster. I myself was not even that lucky as to get a chance to fight. My W walked...and never turned back. I still can't come to grips with how bad I hurt her, and because she wont talk to me all I get is accounts from her father of how worried they are about her and how depressed she is. Talk about a bad situation!
Here is a great thread that our beloved Dee started and I think it would be good for you to read, along with any other newbies who are M.
http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Married-OW-or-OM-Issues/Ending-the-A-almost-ended-my-M/m-p/108022756#U108022756
I hope this wave of pain eases for you soon Luvin. Stick with it, it will get better.
Sending healing vibes your way this day.
peace&light
Chris
A few ways that have been helping me over the Christmas season was I repeately told myself when I was feeling weak was any contact is very selfish, I was struggling at points with needing that fix to make me feel ok and I didn't care at all how xap would feel. That realization had me stop and think. I am not weak I maybe having a weak moment and I know how to pick myself up and move past this feeling. I don't want to use anyone to make me feel better, I want to get there by hitting my low points on my own and getting myself out of them with what I have learned here. Another way I have been using is I recently quit another bad habit and I never want to go through that withdrawel again, it was tough and I don't want to throw away the good feelings I have from what I have accomplished. I know I have a long way to go in healing and I will learn new ways and so will you. I am glad your dream had a positive impact on how you felt in the morning:)