Struggling and needing answers...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2009
Struggling and needing answers...
16
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:17am

I am still struggling with everything that is going on right now!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:37am

bitsy, big hugs to you sweetie. xAP and myself were/are both married, so I can't pretend to understand what you are going through. But, oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you. I'm sure this has happened many times, you are not the first and certainly will not be the last. Who knows where your xAP's head was and what led up to his ending it. But no matter what the reasons were, you are better off now. He doesn't deserve you. He's married, has a wife and had some cake on the side. Maybe he wanted to end his marriage, but couldn't bring himself to really leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:42am

Hi Bitsy:


I posted for the first time yesterday as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:56am

I ended my A on Monday too ... I have not contacted him although he has contacted me relentlessly. I am actually trying to steady myself for the moment that will surely come: the moment he doesn't try to contact me. I realize then that that's when the real work will begin. I send you whatever love and strength I have ... I just came from therapy and so feel raw, but clear enough to realize that it isn't about me ... it was never about me 'cuz he never knew me. He knew a different me, the one that could tolerate the intolerable, lick the bitter salt of wounds made elsewhere, the me that smiled and said 'it's okay' when it wasn't and my heart was breaking, he knew the me inside of crazy and never in a 'normal' space. I had the chance last week to spend 3 days with him ... and get an insider's glipse on what our normal everyday life would look like, and I realized 'holy cow!', this isn't what i thought it would be. It was pathetically ordinary. He was pathetically ordinary. I am grateful for such insights that I wonder if many of us get the chance to experience. Uninterrupted time to really taste what that life would be like?

Forward is a direction, not a time line.

with love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 11:30am

Hi Bitsy.. I read your story yesterday and it was so similar to mine i started shaking reading it... We were at the planning stage too..i left my H early this year and the last time i saw XAP he said "i promise " as well:(

"Women can fake orgasms but men can fake entire relationships" -Sharon Stone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 11:31am

All of you hang in there,
Bitsy. u do deserve respect, but why do you expect him to give that to you? what do you think you two sitting down and talking will accomplish? Nothing. The best thing to do is let go and have NC. He told you what he wanted. I am a newbie, but I expect a vet to jump in here any second and tell you the same. Give yourself the respect. Give yourself the dignity you deserve. There is no such thing as closure. U have to end this, you have the power. No matter what he says or does. U waiting on a call or txt is pure torture. We barely function. We barely breath. We do this to yourself. I hurt bad. I can not tell you how much I want to send an email telling me how full of S&$% he ever was....but what good what that really do?
There is nothing to talk about, nothing to discuss, his situation will not change. But yours can, It really can, if won't happen overnight. But it will. The more you let him dictate when and where and if you will talk, the more you allow him to control you. U can take back that control. U can do this. People have been involved in emotional and physical affairs for years and years and they have made it to the other side....you can too. U gotta make that decision to.

I suggest you block him every possible, but that is up to you. I know this seems harsh but unless u want to continue to be struggling. There are no answers...none, None that will satisfy you anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 12:00pm

Wow...sinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 12:23pm
Wow...All those questions i am still asking myself. How..why?? Sweetie..i think he is not as insecure as you think he is. I think he is a master manipulator who has 2 women at his disposal who will do ANYTHING to be with him. How could that make a man insecure. the truth is...you cant compete with her. A LIFE ...FAMILY...HISTORY is all attatched to her and men have an incredible ability to put emotions aside when making decisions. We had
"Women can fake orgasms but men can fake entire relationships" -Sharon Stone
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 1:23pm

((Bitsy))


I responded to your other post yesterday and perhaps you were not ready to listen to my words, so go back and read it again as everything I said still holds firm.


His silence *IS* his decision. Right now he is scrambling around doing damage control so he can save the family he almost lost. It's not about whether he still loves you or not, as I am sure he cares deeply. It's about not uprooting the life he has grown accustomed to. Men do not handle change very well, but they love to indulge in the fantasy of what life could be like with another woman. I can't help but feel that the reality bomb

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 1:55pm

Iddy...Thank you!


I did read your post yesterday and I do know that what you say is true!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 2:18pm

Bitsy,

   ~Iddy~ 


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