Struggling and needing answers...
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Struggling and needing answers...
| Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:17am |
I am still struggling with everything that is going on right now!
| Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:17am |
I am still struggling with everything that is going on right now!
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I appreciate that.
I completely understand your need to continue to ask the same questions over and over.
Bitsy
U r the reason the board exists. We all are. Today was tough for me. but reading abotu you actually helped me get thru. Continue to post. No one is tired of hearing you ask why? we have all asked why countless times. we have all wondered what they are doing? are they getting alone? is he being super sweet to make it up to her? I am at this point right now. He is in super hubby and dad mode. He would go all out after he would do something hurtful to me. Even if before I knew about wife.
My point is that your questions are normal, your feelings are normal. Ur posts are normal. Just be ready for our reactions. They may be harsh and tough. But they are best. I can speak here with no judgement and be honest. I can do that with very few friends. We are here for you. Start no contact, I am a week in today and it hurts like hell, but each day I try to look to other things for comfort, esp my children.
N it has gvien me a chance to think, when he was around how much I did not like him anyway, all the lies, all the deceit and disrespect. It was not all that great anyway. I did not trust him. I really enjoyed less and less of his time at the very end, He became more and more unlikeable and his selfish ways showed more and more. He has become less and less attractive. I can see things a little better. Sure I have questions, but guess what? the answers do not matter. they just do not matter. the answers are not going to change your circumstance. Only you can.
Hope it gets better and I and the others are too. Post away. I am here...
Hi Bitsy,
First I’d like to say that we cannot get into other people’s heads and figure out why they do/don’t do something, if they meant what they said etc.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Bitsy,
First of all a big hug for you :( I understand how confused you must feel after xAP being so cold all of a sudden! My xAP has ended it many times and I can tell you , the first time I was so upset and confused, and I didn't understand how he could be so cold towards me all of a sudden. So insensitive! I kept asking : "what did I do wrong? What have I done to you that you are being so cold with me all of a sudden? HOW can you be nice one day and the next colder than ice??"
XAP would always get so annoyed with my questions. Mostly he would not even want to answer but when he would answer he would say:
"you did not do anything wrong.
It has to be like this.
I feel guilty towards my wife."
I asked: "but why so cold??"
He said: "it needs to be like that."
He looked very annoyed all the time I would be asking the questions. I irritated him BIG TIME.
SO, ADVICE NUMBER ONE: NEVER ASK THE XAP ANY QUESTIONS! JUST LEAVE HIM BE! HE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU AS AN ANNOYING FLY THAT NEEDS TO BE SWATTED AWAY. Keep your dignity!
From all the break-ups, I have learned that it's better to 'copy' his cold behavior, instead of contacting him and asking him all the "why" questions.
Now,since XAP broke up with me many times (but this time it's for good!!! He's not going to get me ever again!), I have found out more.
As soon as I would turn a little colder on him (he is my neighbor, so I see him regularly), and as soon as I would stop showing my sadness, just looking happy and cheery as if nothing is amiss,
xAP would come running back to me (FISHING! Now, you have to be prepared for that!)
He would say: "How are you?", in a warm and caring voice.
(Big RED sign, because he never asked me how I was doing. All he came for was sex)
At first I would say and admit: "Oh I am so sad. I miss you." And he would grab me and have sex with me and things would go back to normal. And he would break up again after a few weeks.
Only to come back to me again, asking "How are you? You don't seem to be upset about the break-up". Now he was the one looking CONFUSED.
Later we would talk a bit more about xAP's behavior. I asked him (he was in a good mood): "why did you act so cold to me?"
He said: "well, because I felt guilty."
AND he also said: "I was also playing this exciting game with you." (the 'exciting' part started when he started asking "how are you?" and when he got confused)
So he was
a)feeling guilty
b) playing games.
Now... I am just telling you this because it might give you a clue about what your xAP is thinking. (don't be as stupid as I was! I made a complete fool of myself many times just because I wanted to know what he was thinking! The only thing it did for me, was that he could keep on using me and mistreating me!!! And we don't want to be used by anyone, do we?)
I strongly advise you to ignore him! Not because you want him to come fishing (most probably he will come fishing, whether it is in a few days, a few weeks, a few months. And you have to be PREPARED for that. Hopefully you will get enough time to distance yourself from him , so that you will be strong to stay in NC when he comes fishing)
NC is a gift to you. Don't send him anything. Don't contact him.
Right now it doesn't feel like it's a gift (I know) but once the fog starts to lift, you will start to see things more clearly. I also looked up for you the "Poor Little MM" story. One of the CL's posted it here and it's very good. I think it will give you a little more clarity, especially when you are reading about the feeling of "heroism" that your xAP is feeling right now. I posted it in General, it's called "POOR LITTLE MM"
I hope you'll feel a little better today
Hugs
htgo
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