struggling hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
struggling hard
9
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:49am

I dont' know if it's a delayed reaction to all the chaos going on around me, or just the emotional upheavals with losing my job, not being able to find another, D, all of it - I feel so low today.



It's the first time that I picked up my phone and considered calling xAP.



I miss him today.



a lot.



Photobucket
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:28pm

Lolly,
Hang in there. It is so hard...I actually got a text from XAP today (i did take him off my contact list so it just shows up as his #)...I haven't gotten that block package thing from AT&T yet, but looks like this is gonna be top of my priority list.
I miss the "friendship" I had with XAP, though I know I put in 99.9% of the effort and where did that get me??! XAP is going fishing BIG time and misses his regular f**k sessions and his cleaning lady...wants me to "stop over at his apt if you want to"...blah, blah.
Hold onto your resolve, Lolly. Your posts have been encouraging to me as a newbie here at EAS. You are one strong woman and I know that you can do it. :) It sucks that it takes so much damn time for that healing process. And that it hurts so much. But the outcome will be so amazing!

Hearts <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:16pm

((Lolly))



Life if full of hurt, disappointments, upsets, and losses. It's times like this that you have to hold on tight to what you do have and not botch it up worse.



I came into work to find out one of our electrician's mother is on her death bed and he doesn't expect her to make it through the day. Another electrician's W has a terminal disease and is slowly losing her battle. Now IMO, this is two examples of very hard times, so it's important to keep things in perspective. If you and your children have your health, then you have all that you need right now to get your through. Give the job search some time. It took my daughter and son months to find one, and Michigan's economy is in the tank. Perseverance and faith landed them decent positions.



Reaching out to XAP would be a huge mistake and you know it. I understand that desperate times call for desperate measures, but acting desperate is a whole different thing. He will see you this way and you are going to feel worse than you do now no matter what kind of reception you do OR don't get. Don't go there, Lolly.



I know life sucks right now, but it is "Always darkest before the dawn."



((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 7:20pm

Dear Lolly,
I can totally understand and just wanted to send a little light your way in hopes that your day got easier, and the weight of the world has lifted a bit.

I too have had some major chaos, and when ever I think about using xAP as a security blanket to ease things, I imagine that blanket is full of BED BUGS!!! So is staying warm worth the long term itching and scratching...Hell NO! Not to mention that once the bed bugs get in, they take over everything in your house/life! So even as an ecologist and lover of nature, that image is enough to creep my off the ledge:)

I know I have been quiet since you have been here, but I have been really inspired by each of your posts. As Iddy and the others said, no good could come of contacting him, but I know that you already know that, and have convinced me completely of that in your strength in your approach to ending.

So I hope you are well, and I know that when Gratituesday rolls around tomorrow that I will be very grateful that you made it through a crappy Monday, and will still be with us, helping not only yourself but many others keep fighting the good fight. Maybe a bit wobbled, but I know no way fallen down.

Sending warm thoughts and calming vibes your way tonight.
peace&light
Foggy


I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 8:02pm

((Lolly))



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:14pm

Thanks to all of you -

I'm still pretty low tonight - I've tried all of my tricks and have faked it until I got home from my 2nd job tonight - and then I let myself fall apart.

I feel so drained today - and no, I didn't call him.
but I wanted to very very very very much. He was a good friend too - and to be honest, that's been the hardest part in all this NC for me - I am very discriminating in those I let get close to me so losing a friend is akin to losing family.

I know all of you are right - and no, I don't want the regret that most inevitably would follow - i just want someone to fill the 'ol emo tanks for me - i don't want to do it by myself right now.

does that make me lazy? bad?? don't get me wrong - I like the satisfaction of being able to normally fill them on my own - but once in a while, i just wish someone else would do it - someone else could just take care of me.

i've never had that - not even in my marriage - and somehow, that seems so sad to me. i don't even know if that makes sense - or maybe i'm wanting something that is not realistic. i feel like i'm rambling tonight - and i'm laying here physically awake and emotionally numb. kind of like a full-body hangover.

god I could use a drink.

that's not gonna happen either (well maybe a diet pepsi)

it's been raining today and for the most part i adore rain - the smell, the coolness, the sounds - here in the south it's been SO hot - that it's really been a godsend. in the same instant - rain reminds me so much of xAP - for many reasons (and no not just sexually). perhaps this is why my thoughts have been centered on him I just feel like all of a sudden when i woke up he had bought up ALL my headspace.

i need to evict him.

i thought i had.

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:41pm

Lolly love

Your posts have been a source of inspiration to this lurker for a while now, but I know that is of no comfort to you at this precise moment.

I know how you feel- have felt the yearning and the longing that feels like a physical punch in the guts, though of course my story has been very different from yours.

But you can DO this. In yoga there is a routine where you lie flat and concentrate on relaxing each part of your body from your toes up to the crown of your head. Maybe you could try this now, and it might relax you enough to allow you to sleep off the blues.

It's a simple suggestion, but one that I have used. Sometimes it's not that there is any magic trick, but one that just happens to work when all else fails.

Relax, love. This will pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 6:36am

Huge ((((((HUGS)))))) Lolly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



You can do this!

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 10:16am

Foggy, although your words were not directed to me, I wanted to say how uplifting and supportive they were :)



Absolutely amazing.



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d