Struggling with No Contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Struggling with No Contact
8
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 1:59pm

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/all-sides-affair/all-sides-affair/ended-it-morning#new

i ended what I thought was a relationship a few days ago. It turns out, he was cheating on his wife with me. She knew about his girlfriends. I did not know about them or how he was still working things out with her. He told me we were exclusive emotionally and sexually.

Naturally, I go back and forth between being angry, sad, disappointed and relieved that it's over. Most of all, I miss the attention he gave me. I thought there were many things that were good about our relationship, but now I'm not sure what's real and what's not. I'm struggling with this sadness and it's so hard to shake it.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 4:54pm

Glad to hear that.  Nothing like hanging out with friends to take care of whatever ails ya.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 12:57pm
I'm ok. Just riding the wave... Had a great weekend hanging out with friends, and more stuff planned for this week.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 2:29pm

Post in, Teeenybubbles and let us know how you are faring.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 6:15pm

Still struggling day by day, sometimes hour by hour. My brain has come up with some 'fantastic" schemes to alleviate the pain, most of them (if you take a step back) are completely laughable! LOL I'm not going to do any of these, but it helps to write it down and view the crazy lol

Please laugh with me!

  • Consider polyamory
  • Ask him to be a sperm donor and then consider polyamory
  • Ask him to be a sperm donor, raise the child on my own and casually date
  • Ask him to be a sperm donor, raise the child on my own and ask for child support
  • Get back into the relationship, but only if he comes clean about EVERYTHING
  • FWB - straight up, like there's no emotional connection between us...
  • Get back into the relationship, ask him to come clean about everything and wait for him to get a divorce... and in the meantime, have his baby
  • Get back into the relationship, ask him to come clean about everything and consider polyamory... and in the meantime, have his baby

LaughingLaughingLaughingLaughingLaughingEmbarassedLaughingLaughing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:08am

He not only cheated on his wife, he cheated on you too.  If there were other women in his life.  A man who is a cheater is very good at manipulation, and what better way to manipulate than to give a woman what she wants, attention, and compliments, and sad stories to make you think you're his savior.  In other words, he's building your ego, making you think he can't live without you. The sad truth is that he CAN live without you.  The one he can't live without is his wife.....if he could he would divorce her.  You miss the attention.......so you need to work on yourself to realize that you don't NEED attention from a man to make you feel good.  You need to start loving and appreciating yourself, and you need to realize that you're much better than he is, and you deserve much better than a man who lies and cheats.  Every woman I know including myself has been thru an affair, and if you learn from it, you'll come out better in the end.  Understand that they all say it's terrible at home, and they all lie, because actually you're building THEIR ego for them.  If they cheat WITH you, they'll cheat on you too......You're a better person than he is. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 8:20pm

Hi Teeenybubbles...glad you made it here ;)

I'm sorry you are struggling and experiencing all those normal emotions that come with the ending.  I can only assure you that with some time and distance under your belt it will get easier.

It's all pretty normal in the beginning to look back and wonder what was real and what was said in a manipulative way. So, distract yourself as much as you can to keep from doing so because it sounds to me like he duped you big time, and you won't be the first open, trusting and intelligent woman to fall for a manipulator...some are masters at it.  I really admire your show of self-respect and self-worth. I know...I know, it still hurts.

Stay the course and over time the intensity of the emotions will lessen...and you will begin to feel lighter  and brighter.

Post in as much as you need.  I'm delayed getting to you because the site was down for a while.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 7:06pm
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 3:29pm
Hi Teeny! I am sorry you are having a rough time. It feels so good to get the positive attention. You need to be strong and be relieved it is over. Block all ways that he might contact you. It is hard, but each day that passes will be a step closer to regaining your freedom from him. Best wishes to you. You will make it through this rough time...I promise.