Struggling with Ridiculous Thoughts
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|Tue, 09-04-2012 - 4:45am|
This past few days I am struggling really really badly. Not in, I need or want to contact xAP way but I am desperate to know if he is ok after his heart attack. I have a very uneasy and anxious feeling that he is sick again and I can’t shake it. I am actually scaring myself with my thoughts. Just that, what if he has died? This morning in the shower I cried my eyes out at the thought, which I know is ridiculous. I haven’t heard anything since his cousin told me of his suspected heart attack, in July and I white knuckled my way through NC at that time. I have tried to identify what has triggered this but I can’t find anything, just this increasing belief that something is wrong. Is this normal? And what can I do to shake it? I have asked myself is this some way of me trying to justify to myself why I should break NC. But I don’t think it is, because I am not going to contact him, and the most absurd thing of all is that I don’t even want to contact him. What is wrong with me?