Struggling so badly right now...
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| Sat, 02-20-2010 - 12:04am |
I have been avoiding posting for a few days about this, and I'm especially glad I didn't as there's been so many really newbies that have needed support.
But...I can't hold out any longer. I hate doing this but I think the only way I'm going to get through this is by doing something about it instead of just 'surviving', so I'm going to be honest and get these feelings 'out there'.
5 weeks NC Monday. And it f'n sucks. I'm struggling, big time. And I feel like such an idiot as there I was last week and the week before that answering other's posts with support and strength, acting like I knew what I was talking about and sounding like I had it covered.
Well, news to everyone, I haven't got it covered at the moment. Not even close. My moods have fluctuated so badly - up until my H came home from his week away at work last Wednesday, I felt in control. My H and I connected pretty well the whole week he was away, I felt like I knew where I was going and I had a strong, positive IC session Wednesday morning. Then he comes home. And we start talking. And my thinking starts changing. And I start becoming shorter and shorter with him, and start doubting what I'm doing. I miss xAP. Just want to catch up with him, spend some time talking with him. I've even told my H that I still want the option of having xAP in my life down the track. That I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying like crazy that I'll bump into him (my new job starts in a week and it's only about 5 minutes away from my old workplace where xAP works) and not being sure what will happen etc etc etc. Thinking that maybe my M and my H is 'not' what I really want. WTF is wrong with me??? I feel so so sad, so lost, so alone, so f'd up in the head. So confused. So worried. So guilty. So unable to deal with this any longer. So so so tired....and exhausted. Sick of living life with no joy, feeling like nothing ahead is exciting or important. Knowing that I let myself get into this and hating myself for it, when things could be sooo different. It's funny, I was thinking this morning how when I cry now, it is gut wrenching, incredibly painful tears...and so many of them - when I 'used' to cry years ago about something (which was pretty rarely) they were so so different...so much less painful....
I'm so sorry for dumping this on people, when there's many of you out there who are dealing with so much more difficult situations and circumstances. For that I apologise, and I hope I don't add to people's pain or fear that things are going to get worse, not better. But I know I need to write this down, in the hope for a little support, and (maybe!) understanding...and maybe a smack on the a$$
Be Strong xx

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Hey Bestrong,
Were you posting in the middle of the night or do you live somewhere far away? I think I am the first one to catch up with you.
In my opinion, EVERYONE has a right to express themselves here. Not just newbies and I am sure they'll agree with me.
I am sorry that you are feeling so #&^$*#(()#%@%^#&&#* right now. There are no words to describe that feeling and yes, it IS exhausting.
What can you do... hm let me see... did you already write a long list of things you didn't like about the A/ about xAP? Maybe that will help you.
I wish there was some magical medicine I could offer to you.
Remember it comes with ups and downs. You might already feel a little better today, I hope, or maybe tomorrow...
Big hugs!!
HTGO
BeStrong,
i sure know what you mean about not having it covered. stop your mind from racing. right now. take a deep breath. take another.
i was a month into NC when I caved last year and let xap work his way back into my life. you know where it got me? back here. in an affair, ALL ROADS lead back here.
your marriage is a separate issue. whether you will or won't love your husband, stay with him, invest in your marriage---has nothing to do with your affair. don't let yourself slip back into the fog and confuse and intermingle the two.
if you are considering the possibility of a real relationship with xap down the road---NOT an affair--that is a horse of an entirely different color. but be honest with yourself. don't bullsh!t yourself. be honest with yourself about his character and the nature of what you have already done with him. is that worth giving up your life and your marriage for?
just some thoughts from another insomniac on the same journey...
lillie
((((bestrong))))
I am so glad that you posted.
NC since 2/4/2010
Hey, bestrong~
Take it from someone who dove headfirst back into my m without dealing with the pain of ending my a first: Not recommended.
You're still very fresh from ending and unfortunately you will probably still have emotional highs and lows and emotions on top of one another.
I'm about 3 months post-a and I question whether I'm doing the right thing by staying in the marriage. However, what I've learned is that my xap provided desire/want/lust/passion all that good stuff, but it was because I only got the good parts of him. His wife got the part where he left her taking care of the family finances, cleaning the house, cooking, raising the kids and having a full-time job while he was out having affairs and telling me how emotionally distant she was, how he begged for sex blah blah blah...
My point is, if what I'm looking for is sustained desire/want/lust/passion in a long-term r, I will ALWAYS end up disappointed. ALWAYS...because that's not how real life is. Affairs
BeStrong,
<<< I felt like I knew where I was going and I had a strong, positive IC session Wednesday morning. Then he comes home. And we start talking. And my thinking starts changing>>>
All I can suggest is to bring this up at your next IC session. If you were feeling in control until your H came home, something triggered your sensitivity mechanism, and although I am not a professional counselor, you are still harboring hostility. It could be due to how you had to end your A, or something H said has ignited your fears again. The thought that crossed my mind is you may be fearing the start of your new job, not because XAP is only 5 minutes away, but because your A took place at your previous workplace; thereby triggering inner fears that you may do this again. Learning to trust ourselves again after having an A is very hard to do, no matter how honorable our intentions are not to ever go down that road again.
Just some food for thought.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Be Strong,
This board is for everyone...all the time. That is of course if they stay within the boards rules and guidelines. Post, post away, whatever you need to do. we are here for you. you mentioned that you are on here and dumping on us. Not at all. If anything, we all dump on each other. N when you are responding to someone's post and giving them support and encouragement, you are healing too. So its never a waste. even if you are writing a post and feeling like crap, you taking the time to post is a momentary break from your own mess and if thats what it takes to not focus on the A for a little while so be it.
We are here for you. Never hesitate. If you want to private email me, let me know.
Now to your feelings, I am so sorry it has been rough for you. Wish I had a genie in a bottle for all of us. There are highs and lows...there just are. Sounds like you are in a lull.
I too missed exAp. I do. That is so hard to even type. This man is/was the devil walking on earth. I am ashamed to admit that I actually miss things about him. He hurt me to my core. He turned my whole world upside down. And I let it all happen. I let him break me down slowly. I went against everything I ever believed in. Point is I can relate. I do not recall what kind of person your exAP was, but either way, I have found that we miss em....the good, the bad, and the ugly, we miss it all.
Cry when you have to. That is ok to do. this is a process. it takes time and can be long, but the light at the end of the tunnel does appear. it does.
I hope you do not bump into him. I really hope you do not. But have a plan of action in case you do. Have a plan of action as to what you need to do if you see him in his car. Whatever works for you. Is their a side street way you can take to work? Try not focus so much on whether or not you will see him. That has to be tough....but try to plan on what you will do if you do run into him, vs. fearing if you will or not...hope that makes sense, I am trying to give you an offense, so as to not have your whole day thrown off by the sit of exAP. Sorry if this is confusing.
Hope you feel better and get thru the day. Hang in there. Your posts have helped me so much. Really helped. So post, post away. I am here for you, we all are, just like you have been here for us.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
((HUGS!))
You're not 'dumping' at all - is this not what the board is here for? ;)
In my situation, I was S and xAP was M, so I can't really speak 100% to how you're feeling in your M and about your H. Though, I suppose the only 'link' or understanding I have with that is - there is a S man, a colleague of mine, who has expressed some interest in me and has for the past few months (but I'd always kept him at arms length because my heart was elsewhere). The a has been officially over for about a month now, though total NC was more difficult to start (started/stopped for most of the month, though I will say it 'finally' and really started when I erased FB and the xAP email account just this past Thursday). Anyway! While I've been 'ending' for the past month...I'm nowhere near ready to start a new, even though it would be 'real', R. There are moments when I think of how 'nice' it would be, then there are moments when I think that 'I feel nothing towards this guy', and what this says to me is that - I can't judge, truthfully and fully, from where I am right now. I need to deal with the A ending, the 'me issues' that got me there in the first place. I need to grieve and get over the loss and move on before I can really have or work on anything with anyone else at the moment. Sure, starting up a new/exciting romance might be a nice balm to ease the pain...but, it would just bite me in the ass later. Also, it would not be fair to him, nor would it be fair to me. While your situation is much more complicated in that you are 'in' the relationship (M), I think I'd echo some other thoughts here in that while you may not be 'blinded by the fog', there is a lot pain and other things to work through in you before you can turn your attention elsewhere.
And, let me also say that - I empathize with the pain. It's unlike any kind of pain I've known before, and I have no idea why that is. I've ended relationships before, not quite 6mo before xAP and I met I had ended a very long term relationship, someone who I had spent the better part of my life with...and yet, this seems infinitely harder than that ever was. It's a bit of a hard juggle in the sense that I know I need to feel and 'be with' the pain in order to heal, but at the same time I can't wallow in it and let it consume me...it's a fine balance and I don't think I've quite gotten the hang of it. I especially know of this
"I feel so so sad, so lost, so alone, so f'd up in the head. So confused. So worried. So guilty. So unable to deal with this any longer. So so so tired....and exhausted. Sick of living life with no joy, feeling like nothing ahead is exciting or important."
I think that's a normal feeling, to look ahead and see...well, nothing. I know that dark cloud sneaks up on me every now and again. But at the same time, a small voice (though, it's getting louder now and again) in my head says "...are you f'n kidding me?! I mean, really?! Is that even -logical-?! That makes no sense!". And rationally, it doesn't make any sense. There's always something to look forward to, even if it's something small - it's a start. Like yesterday, for me, it was the sun. I think (at least where I am!) that isn't helping at all, it's still winter and gross and the sun has been hiding. But yesterday it came out a few times, and that really helped. Made me think that spring and warmer weather are on it's way, and that's something to look forward to. While I know this feeling of hopelessness...it also makes no sense that we should put so much into one person that if they were ever 'gone' that our lives would be totally destroyed forever. I know there are days where it feels like that, I know I was 'there' lastnight and even a bit this morning and feeling like there is 'just nothing'...but in the end, that isn't the case.
Big hugs to you, I know I've rambled (I'm good at that...and everyone's gotta be good at something! :p) but I do hope that today finds you better!
((HUGS!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
(((Hugs))
I am so sorry you are going through pain. I am also new and old to the board..just like the others, please post. That is what we are all here for, to lean on each other.
Your feelings count..what you are going through matters. So, please don't feel your pain is any less than anyone else here on the board.
Just wanted to give you my support and you are doing great on NC...stay strong, it will be worth it!
Oh BeStrong, how I know you are hurting and so exhausted. The emotional toll the past five weeks have taken combined with the stress of a new job, and having to give yourself to the demands of your M...no wonder you're so very tired. You have a lot on your shoulders.
The loving support that has come from so many people reaching out to you is amazing. Feel our arms around you, comforting you. No big decisions need to be made today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Just breathe. Cry. Take a long, hot shower, or a walk...something to cleanse and relax.
Keep holding on, stay the course and be kind to yourself today,
Hugs,
Misty
(((((HUGS))))) BeStrong.
I am a newbie (day 3) but I want you to know that I love to read your posts- whether they are strong and full of wisdom, or whether you are having a bad day. We all have ups and downs- so please don't let that stop you. Come here when you need to.
You have come so far, and you are gonna be alright. I am so new to this, i don't have much to offer- but I just wanted you to know that I am here and sending you loving and kind thoughts and hope you are feeling better. :)
Hazel
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