Struggling so badly right now...
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| Sat, 02-20-2010 - 12:04am |
I have been avoiding posting for a few days about this, and I'm especially glad I didn't as there's been so many really newbies that have needed support.
But...I can't hold out any longer. I hate doing this but I think the only way I'm going to get through this is by doing something about it instead of just 'surviving', so I'm going to be honest and get these feelings 'out there'.
5 weeks NC Monday. And it f'n sucks. I'm struggling, big time. And I feel like such an idiot as there I was last week and the week before that answering other's posts with support and strength, acting like I knew what I was talking about and sounding like I had it covered.
Well, news to everyone, I haven't got it covered at the moment. Not even close. My moods have fluctuated so badly - up until my H came home from his week away at work last Wednesday, I felt in control. My H and I connected pretty well the whole week he was away, I felt like I knew where I was going and I had a strong, positive IC session Wednesday morning. Then he comes home. And we start talking. And my thinking starts changing. And I start becoming shorter and shorter with him, and start doubting what I'm doing. I miss xAP. Just want to catch up with him, spend some time talking with him. I've even told my H that I still want the option of having xAP in my life down the track. That I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying like crazy that I'll bump into him (my new job starts in a week and it's only about 5 minutes away from my old workplace where xAP works) and not being sure what will happen etc etc etc. Thinking that maybe my M and my H is 'not' what I really want. WTF is wrong with me??? I feel so so sad, so lost, so alone, so f'd up in the head. So confused. So worried. So guilty. So unable to deal with this any longer. So so so tired....and exhausted. Sick of living life with no joy, feeling like nothing ahead is exciting or important. Knowing that I let myself get into this and hating myself for it, when things could be sooo different. It's funny, I was thinking this morning how when I cry now, it is gut wrenching, incredibly painful tears...and so many of them - when I 'used' to cry years ago about something (which was pretty rarely) they were so so different...so much less painful....
I'm so sorry for dumping this on people, when there's many of you out there who are dealing with so much more difficult situations and circumstances. For that I apologise, and I hope I don't add to people's pain or fear that things are going to get worse, not better. But I know I need to write this down, in the hope for a little support, and (maybe!) understanding...and maybe a smack on the a$$
Be Strong xx

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Free,
Great post....love to read em...u get me thru more than you may ever realize, happy are still here, so few of us older newbies/tweens...please stick around my sista...
Everyone else,
what Free said!!
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I hope that when people see this post up at the top again that they don't panic and think 'not another negative and draining post!!!
I actually wanted to make a point of saying thank you. A big heartfelt thank you to all of you, for taking the time to reply to me 3 days ago when I needed support. I did feel so much love from so many, and I also gained so much wisdom, great advice and strength...to keep going and keep fighting. I am actually on the other side of the world, so no, my post wasn't written in the middle of the night, it was posted in the middle of my afternoon :)
I am still here, and I am still NC (of course!) My H is being his usual wonderful, caring and supportive self, and for that I am so blessed. I am going to continue riding this rollercoaster - I will keep holding tight and stay on for the ride. I believe that it will eventually slow down, and those huge dips and very dark tunnels will eventually disappear, to be replaced by a much smoother and more enjoyable ride :) Right now, I am determined to see this through, although at times I feel like that's not the case. But it's day by day, and I know that right now, time is my best friend. All of you girls who are farther out than me give me so much hope, and those girls who have broken NC and are at the very start of the process remind me that I so don't want to be back there. But I DO want to be able to provide support and encouragement now and in the future, and my experiences will help me to do that.
Iddy~, thank you for being our wise leader. Just knowing you're there provides me an inner strength and peace...knowledge that you've faced the worst demons possible and fought them to their death, and lived to tell the tale ;-) I want to do that too!! I've been thinking about a couple of things you said. First one is regarding how when my H came home my feelings changed. My H is a big 'thinker', and talks, talks and talks some more. Analyses everything, thinks about everything, has to talk about everything. Doesn't get angry, doesn't yell. And unfortunately I'm a little the opposite. And he asks me lots of questions. About all sorts of things. The afternoon he came home, we spent some time lying on our bed talking. And then that talking got me thinking. And the cycle began. So I talked to him about that, and we've decided that we just have to deal with it - I know that my H needs to talk about things when they come up, that's an important part of his healing. Second thing, about my new job that I'll be starting on Monday. Yes, maybe it's affecting me more than I cared to admit. A new job, last time I left a job was Oct 2nd when xAP bought me my favourite flowers on behalf of other co-workers and our boss, I received a beautiful card, I went out for lunch with xAP. I spent the whole 20 months of my last job with xAP (half in our A). And...xAP was a Referee for me, and was contacted by my new workplace for a lengthy discussion regarding my work ethic etc etc back in September, and I know regret that 'link' - although I know that's just the way it was, and there's nothing at all I can do about that. So, needless to say, a new job, new people and new environment will all provide a different set of challenges, and my eyes are open and no longer as 'innocent' as they once were! KWIM? I am looking forward to being a month in, new jobs are always a bit scary for so many reasons. But it'll be great to have something different to focus on and to think about for sure. Bring it :-)
What a journey this thing is...I know that if the majority of us could have known the hurt, the pain, the anxiety, the tears, the heartache, the depression, the confusion, the anger, the loss of self belief and self esteem, and the incredible sense of hopelessness that being involved in any type of A brings (not to mention the damage to our loved ones), then we would have put a complete stop to it before it even began.
I know I would have. Without a doubt....whatsoever.
Everyone - continue to Be Strong.
xx
(((BeStrong))
Thank you for letting us know you are feeling better today. There are going to be peaks and valleys for a while and sharing them here, although difficult at times, gives us the opportunity to offer you hugs, support, and feedback. There are so many things we overlook because we are so focused on just wanting to feel better. Your H sounds like he is the voice of reason in your life, and you are very lucky to have him in your corner. I can understand that sometimes you just don't want to hear stuff, but this is the time we NEED to hear it the most, KWIM?
You've been missed this last week or so, but you've managed to pop in when needed, and for that I see a very loving, compassionate woman who has so much to offer others. You are going to rise above all of this someday, and I definitely see a Vet in the making. ;-)
Much love and hugs,
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
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