Sorry you're struggling. What you need to do here is to realize that his words or opinions really have no effect on you - only if you believe them to be true.
So for everything he said - out of spite or anger or whatever else - after all, you dumped him and upset his little perfect world where everything and everyone was serving his little selfish needs so well - now you have to come up with a rational, adult-like response to every hurtful thing that he said to you.
So here it goes:
"you wanted too much." - In other words, he wanted you to accept as little as he was comfortable to give you and be happy with it and not to expect more.
"It was never enough." - Right, since he never gave you that much in terms of relationship and you always were left starving nad wanting more.
"you could have made it work if you wanted to" - Meaning you could've just shut up and put up and be glad you have him in your life on whatever terms are comfortable for HIM.
"you never let me breathe" - Again, comes down to expectations - you were expecting much more than he was willing to give.
"i will finally sleep a decent night without you in my life" - Your guy takes the cake for being the most cowardly xap on this board, I've never heard of a guy who'd be so scared to get caught. He really had no guts for it, should've been staying faithful to his wife because he's going to give himself a heart attack worrying getting caught.
"all you did was pressure me" - Yes, you were expecting him to live up to the words "I love you" in a meaning that the whole world assigns to those words - meaning care and commitment.
"I am so sick of being analyzed by you" - Because it was all smoke and mirrors and nothing ever made sense - he says he loves you but then goes home every day to his wife - and you're thinking you're crazy and don't know what to believe anymore.
"I have a f"'*&ing job you know! I cannot spend all day texting and calling you to prove to you I love you. - Yes, when the only proof of his "love" is returnig texts in time and not forgetting to call you back.
Alice, I don't know if that helps or not, but believe me, at some point we all felt pathetic still thinking of them and obsessing over all this nonsense. It will pass with time.
Hey Alice, I'm so sorry it's one of those bad days. Why can't these XAPs just stop renting space in our heads? I wish I could erase the pain for you. During the last few months of my A, my XAP said some similar hurtful things to me. Like you, I have had a few days here and there of replaying them in my mind. What has helped me most to get through those days is to tell myself (and this is very true) that my H has never, ever said anything like that to me. Why did I ever put up with the crap my XAP gave me?
IMO, those are the words of an insecure person who feels completely inadequate. The only way he could deal with his insecurity was to lash out at you. He's making you out to be the bad guy in all this. That's his way of getting back at you for ending it.
Please don't hate yourself, Alice. The anger and regret rear their ugly heads every so often. It's part of grieving and healing. Know that you are a good person, no matter what he said to you. You're strong, you're beautiful, and you're so much better off now that you're free from the shackles of an A. Come away from that ledge! Tomorrow will be a better day!
You have a lot of gals out here who love and support you. I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking about you.
Not only is/was he a JAM, he's an A$$ to boot! He was always that way with you, Alice. Please don't waste your time trying to analyze him. He's really, really just not worth it. Sweetie, just scream to yourself if you have to "he's not effing worth two seconds of my thoughts!!!!"
Instead, see yourself in this whole sordid affair. Ask yourself questions. What was it that xMM gave Alice that she thought she
You're welcome Alice - and since your guy takes a richly deserved award for the Biggest Wuss (I remember him freaking out because you used - OMG! - body lotion!!!), my x will take the Most Persistent Fisher Award. 4 months out, I'm telling you - some people will die trying!
I am laughing my head off thinking about him and if he knew you told a bunch of anonymous women about what kind of wuss he is on this type of board. Wouldn't he be just horrified??? OMG. He would think we had some kind of tracking devices on our computers that would lead us to his doorstep so that we could bust him out on his part of the A.
Is there a smallest penis in relation to ego award?? If so, my x wins.
I really shouldn't be so hard on him; he was never, ever unkind to me and I don't have any feelings of ill will toward him at all. In fact, I kind of chuckle thinking back on the ways he tried to impress me with his position of stature ... at heart, they are still little boys showing off, aren't they?
They really are just lil ole boys. They never grow up. Have ever shrinking egos. They portray this strong personas but really feel like failures. I don't know if they that they will ever feel whole or happy. Unless they have a board for MM or SM who engage in A's somewhere. I mean we are a board for em but so many are narsists that they would never feel like they have a problem...and/or get help.
Hi Alice
Sorry you're struggling. What you need to do here is to realize that his words or opinions really have no effect on you - only if you believe them to be true.
So for everything he said - out of spite or anger or whatever else - after all, you dumped him and upset his little perfect world where everything and everyone was serving his little selfish needs so well - now you have to come up with a rational, adult-like response to every hurtful thing that he said to you.
So here it goes:
"you wanted too much." - In other words, he wanted you to accept as little as he was comfortable to give you and be happy with it and not to expect more.
"It was never enough." - Right, since he never gave you that much in terms of relationship and you always were left starving nad wanting more.
"you could have made it work if you wanted to" - Meaning you could've just shut up and put up and be glad you have him in your life on whatever terms are comfortable for HIM.
"you never let me breathe" - Again, comes down to expectations - you were expecting much more than he was willing to give.
"i will finally sleep a decent night without you in my life" - Your guy takes the cake for being the most cowardly xap on this board, I've never heard of a guy who'd be so scared to get caught. He really had no guts for it, should've been staying faithful to his wife because he's going to give himself a heart attack worrying getting caught.
"all you did was pressure me" - Yes, you were expecting him to live up to the words "I love you" in a meaning that the whole world assigns to those words - meaning care and commitment.
"I am so sick of being analyzed by you" - Because it was all smoke and mirrors and nothing ever made sense - he says he loves you but then goes home every day to his wife - and you're thinking you're crazy and don't know what to believe anymore.
"I have a f"'*&ing job you know! I cannot spend all day texting and calling you to prove to you I love you. - Yes, when the only proof of his "love" is returnig texts in time and not forgetting to call you back.
Alice, I don't know if that helps or not, but believe me, at some point we all felt pathetic still thinking of them and obsessing over all this nonsense. It will pass with time.
Hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.
Love,
Gone
Hey Alice,
I'm so sorry it's one of those bad days. Why can't these XAPs just stop renting space in our heads? I wish I could erase the pain for you. During the last few months of my A, my XAP said some similar hurtful things to me. Like you, I have had a few days here and there of replaying them in my mind. What has helped me most to get through those days is to tell myself (and this is very true) that my H has never, ever said anything like that to me. Why did I ever put up with the crap my XAP gave me?
IMO, those are the words of an insecure person who feels completely inadequate. The only way he could deal with his insecurity was to lash out at you. He's making you out to be the bad guy in all this. That's his way of getting back at you for ending it.
Please don't hate yourself, Alice. The anger and regret rear their ugly heads every so often. It's part of grieving and healing. Know that you are a good person, no matter what he said to you. You're strong, you're beautiful, and you're so much better off now that you're free from the shackles of an A. Come away from that ledge! Tomorrow will be a better day!
You have a lot of gals out here who love and support you. I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking about you.
Much love and ((BIG HUGS))
CSN
Not only is/was he a JAM, he's an A$$ to boot! He was always that way with you, Alice. Please don't waste your time trying to analyze him. He's really, really just not worth it. Sweetie, just scream to yourself if you have to "he's not effing worth two seconds of my thoughts!!!!"
Instead, see yourself in this whole sordid affair. Ask yourself questions. What was it that xMM gave Alice that she thought she
Bravo, Gone. This is the perfect reply.
Give us a hug, Alice. We are all here for you and will not let you fall off the ledge.
You're welcome Alice - and since your guy takes a richly deserved award for the Biggest Wuss (I remember him freaking out because you used - OMG! - body lotion!!!), my x will take the Most Persistent Fisher Award. 4 months out, I'm telling you - some people will die trying!
Love,
Gone
I am laughing my head off thinking about him and if he knew you told a bunch of anonymous women about what kind of wuss he is on this type of board. Wouldn't he be just horrified??? OMG. He would think we had some kind of tracking devices on our computers that would lead us to his doorstep so that we could bust him out on his part of the A.
Bwahahahahahaha!!!!
Is there a smallest penis in relation to ego award?? If so, my x wins.
I really shouldn't be so hard on him; he was never, ever unkind to me and I don't have any feelings of ill will toward him at all. In fact, I kind of chuckle thinking back on the ways he tried to impress me with his position of stature ... at heart, they are still little boys showing off, aren't they?
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida