stuck and holding on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
stuck and holding on?
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Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:15pm

I have been a lurker here for quite a few months, but I need help so I'm making the step to being a poster.

My story is the same as everyone else's, A with xMM last for 18 months, with many "break-ups" during, all initiated by me. Spent a lot of time together, we don't work together but because of hobbies, more than 1/2 my day was spent with him on a regular basis. I'm positive that I never wanted to leave my DH, but I put the decision on xMM even though I don't think I ever wanted him to leave. It was easier to blame him for not wanting to be with me than to deal with the fact that I used him just as he was using me. Using him for attention, affection, love, and fulfilling fantasies.

Forward to 6 months ago, I had finally felt so tired of the drama and the roller coaster so I began NC. He of course broke it like so many times before and I would feel the wants and "needs" and would reply. Finally, I had enough and thankfully had good friends to help me establish NC, although I did break NC in November in a moment of weakness. It was one phone conversation but, I purposely hurt my xMM to establish NC after that. I'm positive (even after reading the other posts the last couple of days) that I will never again talk to xMM.

Now it's February, and I have gone through the healing process but I feel like I'm stuck in the finality step. I unfortunately have a lot of time on my hands at work and that doesn't help. But I still have bad days and I don't understand why. I have made HUGE progress in figuring out what has driven me to have the A and resisting the urges to fall back into the fog, but why can't I seem to make that last leap and let go?

It just can't seem to get here fast enough, when I get upset I have to make excuses to DH and that just makes me so mad to have to KEEP lying. DH worries when I get the "blah's" and worries he has done something wrong, when it's me that has done something wrong. I just want to let go, I just want the triggers to go away permanently, and I just want to be the wife that I promised to be. Any suggestions or advice that you can give?




Edited 2/9/2010 11:28 pm ET by bbear2010

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:50pm
Hi bbear, could you use that time at work to plan something for you and your H? Maybe look into taking up a hobby with your H or planning a regular date night with him. I think bonding with your H will makke it easier to move further. HTH :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 1:46am

Hi Bbear,


It sounds like you have made a lot of progress in a short amount of time.


When you say you have made huge progress on what has driven you to have the A, I hope it means that you have gotten to deep personal core issues and not just what is lacking in your M.


I agree that something is stopping you if you have made it this far and still have a problems completely letting go. In most of my reading and even talking to people off board, the hardest thing for most women to let go of is the fantasy that xAP really truly cared about them and loved them. I call it not letting go of the fantasy.


I however, do not get the feeling that is what is fully holding you back. I do however, suspect that the letting go is a deeper problem then you have figured out thus far. It could be connected to abandonment issues or even more of what you will have to face in RL by letting go completely of your xAP.


Hmmm I have a strong suspicion that it could have to do with control? Are you in IC?


You are a very intelligent individual.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 4:18pm

Belle - I have actually "implemented" date night with hubby last year, and we've done really good keeping with the schedule. We actually enjoy the same sporting event, so we have made that a regular thing to attend together. We are also beginning the process of buying our first home, so I hope that keeps me busy.

<<>>

I have been married 12 years, and before this I wouldn't have ever thought this would happen to us. In retracing my steps, I realize what the drive was for me to seek out xMM. A couple of months before the A began, DH and I had a marriage changing issue come up. I felt betrayed and deeply hurt by him. I felt that I had been naive for so many years, and this man was going to leave me like everyone else (yes I have abandonment issues). It's how I dealt with this problem that led me to the A, and I now realize I have to learn to cope with problems differently. My first reaction to anyone that can hurt me has been to shut down and hurt them worse. By having an A, I did the one thing to my husband that in my mind would equal the hurt that I was feeling. So in essence, I used my xMM to "get back" at my DH even though he never found out. I have slowly began to forgive my husband and let him back in. I couldn't do that when I was in the A fog.

I didn't have the best childhood as many others here haven't either, but I have always been a survivor and I protect myself when need be. I'm working really hard to let DH back in and learn to trust him once again, cause he is trying so very hard. He's a good man and most times I feel like I don't deserve him. He has always put me first, and I am beginning to appreciate all the "little things" once again. His actions show me he loves me, i.e. I'm a clutz and he is always watching the ground to make sure I don't trip, or he pulls me out of the way of someone else walking cause I don't pay attention.

<<>>
This I believe you are right. I know that xMM had issues, but overall I do honestly believe he was a good man. He actually came back time and time again even after me pushing him aside over and over again. My head keeps telling me that if it was really love we would've never had an A, and instead waited until we were free to pursue the possibilities. My heart mourns him though to this day, and it's my heart that is holding onto the fantasy, because it is the last thing I have of him (because I was good and deleted everything from him months ago). Maybe it would be easier to let go of the fantasy if it had been him always pushing me away, or him feeling guilty and calling it off, or him saying the mean and hurtful things that I said to him.

Thank you for your insight E1, I have read your responses and you always seem to be dead on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 4:21pm
PS...amazingly enough your description of the bear hits home with me. I actually chose it because it represents a pet name that DH calls me. I wanted to be reminded of him when I post so that it shows me what I'm working toward again. But it was odd to read that paragraph and it to describe my personality almost perfectly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 7:15pm

I think you are on the right track... just takes time to start feeling better.


"My head keeps telling me that if it was really love we would've never had an A,"


I think it's not that there was no love, it's that marriage is day in and day out and it becomes routine. Also like when a kid gets a new bike... they love it, but as time goes by the bike gets used, older and they still love it, but has lost that initial excitement. All marriages go though that, I think.


I was reading about the 5 love languages - words of affirmation, giving, service, touch etc. Sounds like you H is like my H in that his way of showing love is service. His acts of love are shovelling the snow, paying the bills, washing the car. I learned that the way he shows love is what he needs from me. My language is moreso affirmation and touch. I find that giving him a hug is nice, but he gets all happy when i take the car and give it a nice wash :) We're quit different. My love is expressed by making pieces of art as gifts. To me it shows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:01pm

Hi Bbear,


You really gave me a lot of info. in your posts and that was the only way I was able to finally get on a reasonable track. But you did really have me stumped because someone who has abandonment issues usually has trouble ending the A and maintaining NC. You seemed to have executed those two very well. Kudos for doing that with abandonment issues as that makes it an even more difficult task.


I’m glad you have read my other posts as sometimes I come on a big strong but it is always with the intent to help. I’m also glad you were intrigued of what the bear symbolizes. I found it interesting as well.


So yes I think after your response that it is part fantasy and maybe part guilt on your part for not being able to fully let go. I know after I ended my A and for months afterwards, I actually wondered what if xAP meant all the things he told me or insinuated (my xAP was king of innuendos) to me. Well long story short and it’s all here in old posts if you ever care to read it in detail, I broke NC and found out that xAP was the complete liar, cheater and user that my gut told me all along he was.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:25pm

My DH definitely shows his love with his actions. I am learning to once again appreciate this. It's pretty much about all the little things, like when he holds out his arm when we're walking so that I can slide my arm around his. It's the way he has accepted all of my faults, because I have never been an easy one to get a long with. I can once again appreciate my husband now that the fog has lifted.

E1 - I think the way I was able to let go of xMM was because I was just so tired of everything. I've always been an independent, don't tell me what to do kind of gal, and xMM was slowly trying to take over my life. Him trying to manipulate me drove me nuts, and I was never shy to point out his guilt trips, and all it would do was create another fight because I didn't/couldn't ever love him enough. His attitude, my growing tiredness of his drama, the guilt, and realizing that my husband is the one true person that knows me and loves me regardless is what drove me to stick with NC.

I have known for years about the abandonment issues. I used to have highly emotional dreams of DH cheating on me (ironic isn't it?) but it wasn't the cheating part that would wake me...it was the fact that he would just be gone, no explanation, no trying to make it work...just gone. I don't know if I could actually handle the thought of DH being gone.

I don't want to minimize my feelings for xMM, because I do honestly think in my own way I loved him. We did the ego-stroke thing of course, but we also entertained each other, actually talked about his/my issues - I remember harping at him for weeks about his relationship with his father lol. In the end, and just like I told him the last time I spoke to him...when we ended he didn't jump on a plane to come and see me, and either did I; when we ended it neither one of us stopped breathing; when we ended it we both chose to return to our marriages and commit to the promises we made so long ago.

I just need to open my heart again to my husband and trust in his love for me and our marriage. Maybe when I can make that step fully, it will allow me to let go of the fantasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 1:46pm

Hi Bbear,


Sorry it took me a while to respond. I have had a lot on my plate lately.


I’m sure as you get further and further away from the A and reconnect with your H, you will be able to fully let go.


<>


I am careful to not try to tell people what they do and do not feel. I do however have this to say about love and As. If you would have asked me shortly after ending my A if I loved my xAP, I would have told you yes. That was before I did the real hard work in IC of getting to my core issues and fully understanding why I had the A and picked my xAP. If you have read any of my old threads you know that I have a theory that we actually pick our xAP and it has to do with our baggage. Once I saw the bigger picture and was standing back and looking at the situation as a whole, I saw that love was just a dot on painting which I would describe as Picasso because of the undefined imagery.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 11:12am

Thanks for your reply E1, I really appreciate it. I definitely agree with you that we do pick our AP's. You don't realize it in the beginning, every post always starts out with "It just happened". At least that's what I thought in the beginning.

But now, digging into the why's, I realize that no...it didn't just happen. I let xAP in because since he was married, I thought he was "safe". By "safe", I mean that I never had any intention of leaving my marriage, and I figured that if he was married he would never have any emotional expectations of me, or ask me to leave. Writing that down and realizing that about myself is hard to swallow, but it's the truth. The more I retrace my steps the more I realize how much the A was about me and not about "love". I honestly think that it was never about him as a person, it really could've been anybody. At the time that my A began, I had a nice good-looking single man hitting on me, but I politely told him I was married and that him flirting with me was inappropriate. Why did I pick xMM over the single guy? Because with xMM I wouldn't have to give so much of myself. Wow, now that I've actually admitted that out loud I feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 12:01pm

Boy, howdy! Do I ever relate to your post. I picked xAP for a lot of the same reasons. I actually frickin' _vetted_ him for his position as my partner in crime. I think it's very important that the enders look closely at the hows and whys of our choices and realize that we INTENDED to do what we did. We're not all a bunch of stupid babes in the woods who don't know the consequences of our actions. That slippery slope started _somewhere_, ykwim? Once I realized I was not some stupid, wide-eyed innocent, completely shocked... "oh my! how did I get _here_!?", I began to be accountable for my actions and accountable for the A. The AP was just a tool I used for my own self destruction. Love had very little, if anything, to do with it; the relationship was down-right massaged into existence by my selfish needs and desires. I pity my xAP - I no longer pity myself. Sure, he did the same to me, but that doesn't really matter now, does it? It's all about me -- and all about US (the enders), now.

Dee

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