stuck and holding on?
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| Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:15pm |
I have been a lurker here for quite a few months, but I need help so I'm making the step to being a poster.
My story is the same as everyone else's, A with xMM last for 18 months, with many "break-ups" during, all initiated by me. Spent a lot of time together, we don't work together but because of hobbies, more than 1/2 my day was spent with him on a regular basis. I'm positive that I never wanted to leave my DH, but I put the decision on xMM even though I don't think I ever wanted him to leave. It was easier to blame him for not wanting to be with me than to deal with the fact that I used him just as he was using me. Using him for attention, affection, love, and fulfilling fantasies.
Forward to 6 months ago, I had finally felt so tired of the drama and the roller coaster so I began NC. He of course broke it like so many times before and I would feel the wants and "needs" and would reply. Finally, I had enough and thankfully had good friends to help me establish NC, although I did break NC in November in a moment of weakness. It was one phone conversation but, I purposely hurt my xMM to establish NC after that. I'm positive (even after reading the other posts the last couple of days) that I will never again talk to xMM.
Now it's February, and I have gone through the healing process but I feel like I'm stuck in the finality step. I unfortunately have a lot of time on my hands at work and that doesn't help. But I still have bad days and I don't understand why. I have made HUGE progress in figuring out what has driven me to have the A and resisting the urges to fall back into the fog, but why can't I seem to make that last leap and let go?
It just can't seem to get here fast enough, when I get upset I have to make excuses to DH and that just makes me so mad to have to KEEP lying. DH worries when I get the "blah's" and worries he has done something wrong, when it's me that has done something wrong. I just want to let go, I just want the triggers to go away permanently, and I just want to be the wife that I promised to be. Any suggestions or advice that you can give?
Edited 2/9/2010 11:28 pm ET by bbear2010

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de/bear, you go girls!!!!!!
Once I realized I was not some stupid, wide-eyed innocent, completely shocked... "oh my! how did I get _here_!?", I began to be accountable for my actions and accountable for the A. The AP was just a tool I used for my own self destruction. Love had very little, if anything, to do with it; the relationship was down-right massaged into existence by my selfish needs and desires.
This is the ah-ha moment that got me through the ending of a toxic relationship called an A and has kept me from starting another one. When we realized we chose this for ourselves and that our MM didn't pursue us, it didn't just happen. It took one little step at a time and at each step we chose to take it further. This is stepping out of denial/fantasy and entering into reality.
The AP was just a tool I used for my own self destruction. Love had very little, if anything, to do with it; the relationship was down-right massaged into existence by my selfish needs and desires.
Boy, you said a mouthful there. I had an EA before with some cyber guy.
NC since 2/4/2010
One more sobering reality that just hit me.
NC since 2/4/2010
Whoop. btdt. My road to heck was plastered with warning signs:
I had a heavy flirtation with a co-worker 12 years my junior, first. That seemed 'safe' because he did most of the flirting and I did the batting away thing. I loved the attention, though, and actually went so far as to kiss him once at one of his gigs (like a drunk groupie). That's as far as that went (except he fn stalked me for two years afterward!) -- but it was the start of my addiction to illicit validation and I began rolling downhill from there! The next incident was an on-line, heavy-duty, totally FAKE relationship with a young man. This also felt 'safe' because it was fake. -- omg, so stupid. I felt like C.R.A.P. for months and months about it. See... little baby steps that erode away our shock and horror at our behavior - get it? Then, with the current xAP, I wrote him an anonymous note of giddy gushing - felt safe, right? but he responded, then I responded, then he... well, you get the idea.... and BAM! I went from playing with firecrackers to juggling dynamite. Even then, I was feeling safe; we had to 'sneak up' on the PA situation by dancing around for almost 8 months with emails and phone calls. You know, because "we just were NOT _that_ sort of people." pht. whatever. When I found out I was not his first A, I was actually relived! At least this was not his first rodeo and I didn't feel like I was deflowering a virgin. Oy! He was dirty, and I was dirty... want a nice pair we made.
Icky. Icky. Icky.
I wish I knew then what I know now about addiction. I already knew right from wrong; I chose to justify and ignore my better judgment. I wish I knew it was my addiction talking so I could have had some rhyme and reason to battle my stupidity.
Work calls. Sorry if this doesn't make sense; I don't have time to proof! running...
x
Dee
<>
In the beginning, I don't know how many times xAP said this to each other. That we just never thought would we have affairs. Everyone is capable of having an affair, the difference is when the time came, I chose to continue. I put myself and my desires first.
I spent months telling xAP that we could never be together, that he didn't even know the real me. He always responded with "in the end we'll be together" and "I want to know you, because I want it all". Shortly after the affair ended I was so angry, cause I felt like I let him "talk me into" believing we had some kind of future despite my protests. I now realize, he didn't "talk me into" anything! I played the game willingly, I chose to put reality in the back seat and continue with the fantasy no matter how much I hurt myself and the ones that I love.
I couldn't have realized all of this during the A, or even shortly after the end, because the emotions and heartache were to raw. It's been officially 8 months since end, and 3 months NC that have helped me see things for what they really are.
The honest truth is: I'm just as selfish and self-consumed as xAP. I played the same game as xAP. I chose to continue this unhealthy "relationship" with a "safe" married man. I told as many lies as xAP. I was just as manipulative as xAP.
I can't blame him for everything, and I cannot continue to blame and beat myself up. What I can do is acknowledge my mistakes, my faults, my bad habits and own up to them. I can change my behavior. I can forgive myself. I can make damn sure that I learn from this. I can be loved by my husband. I can be the wife that my husband married and deserves.
Wow ladies, it's hard owning up to all of this, but I thank you ALL for support and understanding that you have given.
Edited 2/17/2010 3:02 pm ET by bbear2010
Shortly after the affair ended I was so angry, cause I felt like I let him "talk me into" believing we had some kind of future despite my protests. I now realize, he didn't "talk me into" anything! I played the game willingly, I chose to put reality in the back seat and continue with the fantasy...
BTDT and sewed the big red A on my souvenier Tshirt, bbear.
We had a moment about a year and a half ago when I gave myself away completely.
NC since 2/4/2010
and now I'll FINALLY get to the point I wanted to make. We picked these guys because they were "safe" because they were married so there wouldn't be that complication of him wanting
My T also told me to imagine that I liked my neighbor's house and I decided that I wanted it. I stalked out and hid in my neighbor's bushes unknowing to them and as soon as my neighbors left I moved myself in and stayed there and wouldn't leave. I didn't care that my neighbors liked their home and were there first, all I cared about was that I liked their home and wanted to take it from them.
OK, WAW, you really got me thinking.
NC since 2/4/2010
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