STUCK IN A RUT - HELP!
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| Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:33am |
Hey aLL,
I'm back again.
Hope you are well.
Things on my side are not so good. XMM and I are talking and emailing in work as much as ever. We have constant contact now everyday.
No fights or anything like that just chats but i don't know it's the same as always like i have not fallen out of love with him at all.
In fact i know i have not. After 3 years i am still 100% totally in love with him. He told me yesterday that he loves me just as much as he always did - i emailed him and asked him did he.
To those of you who do not know me things have been over with me and XMM with nearly 2 years and i am still going round in a vicious circle.
I don't know what to do anymore. It's lovely been friends especially since we spent the past 2 years fighting but it is like i am stuck in time. I have my life with my husband to look 4ward to yet i think about XMM all day every day and crave to see him.
Before i used to email him or ring and he would never ring back he treated me very bad but now he is completely different. He never remembers to ring first - i am always the one to ring or email first every day but he always responds then and it's like that for the day - ringing and emailing, ringing and emailing.
I know i love him with all my heart but cannot have him. I have let go all the bad things he done to me. I have completely dismissed all the hurt he caused me and all the bad treatment i got from him. He has a hold over me which i do not understand. I say everyday i will not ring him now today or email and i always end up doing it.
Every Monday i say i will not contact him first and i always end up doing so.
I am addicted to him and the relationship.
I don't know anymore.
So disappointed with myselp.
Thanks for listening,
Kerry.

It is an addiction Kerry! Although I am in limited contact with my xMM now i took some tiem to have total NC to break the habits. If you really want to end this you have to break the habits as much as anything. But I am not sure that it sounds like you do?? That is what you first need to decide b/c if you truly dont want it to be over then it wont work. Take some time and think about a life free of this hold he has on you. As hard as it is to break, freedom and peace do have a nice ring to it!
Good luck
Kerry
Your not addicted to him and he has no power over you that you do not choose to give him, none of this is about him or healthy love it is all about how this is making you feel about "YOU".
This FEELING does not come with out a BIG price tag attached, sooner or later your going to get to pay it, how much are you willing to pay for a FEELING what price is to high ?
Naturely he calls you now, this is a normal response that ALL these guys have when they feel the WS starting to pull away, there reactionis about them not YOU, it is about CONTROL not LOVE.
All the DENIAL in the world will not change this from a TOXIC relationship into a healthy one, in time when he feels secure again he will go back to doing the things that hurt you in the past because that is who he is and he cannot deny his true nature for ever.
I don't expect you to like what you have just read, but try to remember it it may serve you in the future.
JMHO
Free
<<<..in time when he feels secure again he will go back to doing the things that hurt you in the past because that is who he is and he cannot deny his true nature for ever.>>>
Well put free. This is what stops me in my tracks if I start having an itch to see him again.
hi kerry,
its Monday, have u called him or email him yet, if u feel the urge , instead just post here
send email to this board , hope it works
try not to call him or if he calls dont answer, maybe try to turn off your cell phone
start with small goals, im trying to do this myself too, i had a set back last nite
max
Dear Kerry: You are absolutely right - it's an addiction. The only way to break it is, so sorry to say, cold turkey. I didn't believe it either when my A first ended, but it's true. I felt the same emptiness, etc., for the first few weeks or months, but like you, I was so tired of being in that rut. Still in my marriage, still seeing another man, still getting my highs from the XMM. You need to find out WHY you need the MM in your life and find another, more positive, healthy way to get that need met. If you truly can't have this man, you're just torturing yourself by remaining in contact with him. It's not going to change, and neither is your mental state. But you have to be entirely ready to end this rut once and for all.
For me, I hung out on this board alot and identified with all the others who were posting about the sad feelings. I reminded myself regularly that I couldn't live this way anyway - that nothing would get better. I wouldn't fix my marriage if I had my heart in 2 different places. I convinced myself to give the marriage my full attention. Everytime I wanted to contact XMM, I contacted H. Whenever I felt love to give, I gave it to H. It all worked out. My M is better than ever. My H was more than delighted to get all the extra I had to give but had for so long been ferreting over to the XMM.
You can do this. You're no different, or more in love with your XMM, than anyone else on this board. I know many of us suffer from "terminal uniqueness" but we're really all the same - self-centered and wanting to feel good. Hang in there, honey. It can get better! Love, Mo.
HI Guys,
It's Thursday now and what a week.
On Monday just after i posted here i got a phone call to say that my mam had taken terrilbe ill so i had to rush to the hospital.
I got a terrible fright and what did i do only ring XMM, not my husband, not my sister, not my brother, only him.
I was disgusted with myself. My mam was so sick and i rang him in tears - crying over the phone to him. I rang back and said sorry for being in such a state. I felt terrible all day long - felt i had made a fool our of myself to him by being in such a state over the phone.
But on the upside it is Thursday now. I am back to work today and i have not rang him since Monday.
I agree with all you have said and i know only i can stop the contoll he has over me.
I will continue with the post this time - i will come here for support and reassurance that i can get free from this terrible relationship.
I like the sound of the advice i got - freedom!
I will be back tomorrow - hopefully with good news.
Thanks Everyone!
Kerry.
p.s: My Mam is on the mend now, hopefully she will recover well.
Kerry
My best wishs for your Mom, may she make a total recovery.
Have you ever really addressed the WHY you decided to have an affair\cheat as a solution to what ever it was that motivated you, there is always a reason NOTHING just happens ?
Self Knowledge is the beggining self control\power.
YOU CAN DO IT
Free
Hey Guys,
It's been a few days since i have been here but i have some good news - i came back to work after the weekend on Monday, today is Wednesday and i have not contacted XMM!!!!!
I have been itching to do so, it has taken all my power not to do so but i have not rang or emailed him!!!
I have had a look to see if he is in work when i come in in the mornings and also had a look around the canteen at lunch and he is still always on my mind 24/7 but i like the sound of all the advice i got - freedom from this toxic relationship.
In answer to your question free i have never actually looked at why i went in to the affair at the time it was a bit of fun and the flattery and attention i got from him soared my confidence - i have very low self esteem and no confidence but he made my life brighter every day.
Men in general (except for my husband) have treated me very badly so maybe it was all the attention. I do notice that even to this day when we talk it is always about me, he listens to me no matter what i have to say and gives me lots of attention but on the other hand he does not contact me, it is always me who contacts him. And he has treated me badly in the past - when we were meeting it was once a week for 15 minutes in a car park. Nothing more.
So i really dont understand why i give him this power and why i feel i need him so much. I crave to talk to him and have contact, for me not to have contacted him at this stage in the week is very unusual.
Then i think should i just stop talking about him, if i pretend he does not exist and stop talking about him will he just exit my mind.
Oh this is so hard, i so wish i did not think about him all the time. Yesterday i got quite mad that he had not contacted me, i felt like he did not think of me at all. Is he making a complete fool out of me.
I just dont know anymore - what is there to do only suffer on and hope in time this man will be a distant memory.
Thanks for listening,
Kerry.