Stuck, scared, alone... Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Stuck, scared, alone... Please help.
25
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:43pm

I apologize if this story seems long winded and consumed with unnecessary detail but this is the first time I am writing it down and sharing it with people.

I am currently involved in (but trying to get out of) a year affair with a married man. I have known him for nearly fifteen years and to make matters worse, he is the brother of my ex-boyfriend- my first love no less. My ex and I broke up 12 years ago but it still plays a huge role in this mess. (Jerry Springer might come out of retirement for me.) The married man (we'll call him John) and I have always had a very strong attraction towards each other- both physically and emotionally. But he was married, I knew his wife and he was the brother of my ex-boyfriend so I stayed away. Then a little over a year ago, his wife kicked him out of their house. For all intensive purposes, they are separated. Not legally but he hasn't lived with her as husband and wife for a very long time.

Our friendship grew when he moved out and the innocent flirting turned into a full blown affair. I fought it for nearly 3 months but I found myself unable to resist his relentless pursuit of me. That sounds so ridiculous but it's the truth. We would sit up till all hours talking about life, his marriage, the death of his mom, etc. We grew closer and closer until I eventually found myself head over heels in love with him. Funny enough, I never revealed my feelings to him until a few days ago. I always tried to hide it from him but of course, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

This hasn't been a typical affair though. Usually, from what I've read, the "other woman" is treated like royalty. Okay, maybe not royalty but they get the affection and attention and love that is absent in the marriage. All I got was sex. Even our friendship, as deep as it is and as much as it means to the both of us, is also one-sided. We are always talking about him and his issues and it is rare that he ever takes interest in my life. Still he claims that I am the best friend he's ever had.

I have done so much for him over the last year. He lost his wife (for the most part), his job, his mother and his self-respect. I have bought him concert tickets to cheer him up because music is the only thing that makes him feel alive. I pay for his food, his cigarettes and anything else he needs. Mind you, he NEVER asks for any of it. In fact, he turns it down and I have to force him to take it. My goal in my obviously twisted generosity wasn't to win his love but to show him that someone does love him and care for him- that he shouldn't have to settle for someone that beats him down every chance she gets.

I know that I can't save him. I know that I can't fix him. But I wanted to badly to show him how special he was and that he was wasting his life away waiting for someone who didn't see that in him. I never once believed that he would leave his wife for me. I didn't even want him to because I knew that even if he did, it would take years before he was able to fully invest himself with someone else. I knew I'd never compare to her so I never tried. In all honesty, I never knew what I was hoping to gain from this. I guess I just wanted him to want me. I guess that I was treating him the way that I wanted to be treated.

But now a year later, as much as I love him, I am tired. I am tired of the lies and the secrets. I am sick of sleeping with him and having to leave before anyone realized I was there. No cuddling. No pillow talk. I can't reach for the phone and call him when something good or bad happens. I can't turn to him for support. We can't go to dinner or take a walk on the beach. Our relationship is limited to late night talks followed by sex that ends with me in tears because I feel so used. His guilt is written all over his face and he actually said to me... and I quote... "every time I wake up and see you laying next to me, I want to throw up." He was adamant that it had nothing to do with me but the affair itself but still... what kind of a thing is that to say to someone and what must I think of myself that I allow that?

Obviously there is far more detail that I am trying to spare anyone that has already read this far. The point is, I'm devastated and tired and I need out. We mutually decided the other night to end this affair. Going into the conversation, I wanted to end the friendship as well because I didn't think that I could get over him while still having him in my life. He wasn't too pleased with that idea. Tonight is supposed to be our "last" night together. My heart is hurting so badly that I can't think straight. He keeps telling me that we would have been amazing together in a different life. Great.

This affair has done nothing for me but made me already low self-esteem plummet even further. It's made me aware of how little I value myself. I obviously don't think that I deserve any better than a man who looks at me and says "sometimes I just want to have sex with you and then be left alone." But it's okay because he then proceeds to spend 20 minutes convincing me that it has nothing to do with me but the guilt he feels. Right? Wrong. It's not okay. But yet here I am sitting by my phone praying that it rings.

Okay, I think I've said enough. Thank you for letting me vent and thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Any input or support would be greatly appreciated. I couldn't feel more alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:55pm
I should also add that I offered to talk to his wife for him to try and help to get them back together. Beyond twisted. And next week we will all be together- me, him and his wife. I am terrified of how I will react if I see him kiss her. She already suspects that our friendship is more than a friendship so I am sure that she will go out of her way to taunt me. The bizarre thing is that she kicked HIM out. She won't let HIM back home. I guess it's the typical situation of "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 5:21pm

LTL,


I only have a minute to write but wanted to offer you a cyber hug and offer a suggestion:


How about you cancel tonight? Read what you wrote and then ask yourself why are you going to allow "one last time." Start taking control of your life now. You owe him nothing, not even courtesy. He wants to throw up after having sex with you? So save him the anguish. But most of all, save yourself from one more stab wound through your heart.


Wishing you strength, hon.


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 5:46pm

Hi LTL, and welcome to Endings. We all know how painful it is to end an A but they all come to an end eventually. Affairs start out exciting and adventurous, but

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 5:59pm

Thank you so much for your responses. I know that the one last night thing is an awful idea but you're right. No one will be able to talk me out of it.

He has cheated before. He's honest with me about everything he's done. His wife kicked him out because he drinks. He's not a raging alcoholic but he does drink too much. She wanted him to quit, go to AA, detox, etc. He did all of those things and she still won't let him home. It's not so much that he's still in love with her. They've been together longer than they haven't. All he knows is her and he's afraid of what life without her might mean for him. He still loves her but he's not IN LOVE with her anymore. He's in love with the idea of what they had anticipated their life together to be. Also, he has nothing going for him right now. He has no home, no job (although he's supposed to start work next week), no money, and he depends on everyone for everything. I know. None of this matters in the big picture. All that matters is the way that it makes me feel.

I don't doubt that he cares about me. I know that he does but it's not nearly as much as I deserve or in the ways that I deserve. He's admitted to taking out on me what he should be taking out on her because I'm the woman in his life. He uses his honesty as an excuse for the way that he treats me. He figures that if he's honest, no matter how cruel his delivery, that it makes it alright. It doesn't.

As far as tonight goes, I'm not sure that I will see him because he might have seen his wife today and we made a rule recently that we can't see each other on days that he sees her. I'm not sure what that will mean for our supposed night of closure but it is what it is and I'm gonna have to figure out a way to cope with whatever happens. I know for sure that I will be seeing him AND his wife TOGETHER next week. That is really consuming my mind at the moment. Maybe even more so than the end of this affair. Both are destroying me.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 5:59pm

Hello livetolaugh...


You sound extremely down. I'm so sorry for your pain. I too am sending a cyber hug because when you're involved in an A and things are going wrong, I've found it to be the loneliest place in the world. Ever.


I do think the suggestion about meeting up tonight and cancelling is good advice. Extremely hard to take on board. But it would allow you to leave with what self esteem you have in tact, knowing for the last time, you called the shots? What do you think?


I also, from experience, believe, even if the XAP is outta the home, there are always strings attached to the wife.


I think you want out of this, but it's given you some comfort and you do love him, but some of those comments... jeeze... that man sounds horrible. And you've been so kind to him in every way.


NC is the best and only advice I've got. And at least he will learn to appreciate exactly what you gave him when it's taken away. While you will come out stronger.


I've messed up NC and feel worse than what I did when I wasn't in contact.


Would you reconsider this evening?


Wishin you loads of luck and warmth.


PikuLou

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 6:19pm

Deep Sigh. ((hugs))

The fog is so thick that it actually makes it hard for ME to breathe. I know I once felt this way, and perhaps that's why I find your story so triggering. I am fighting the urge to beg you to not meet up with him. It's like knowing someone is about to hurt themselves so deeply, yet they say to you, 'there is nothing you can do to stop me'. It hurts me to know this. It hurts to know that you're going to be hurt even further through this final meeting. But this is your painful journey. We can be here to support you, but you have to make the choices.

And what is SO important that you HAVE to see him and his W. Have I missed something? I hope for you that if you are ending this A, you'll learn quickly the differences between 'having' to see him and the excuses we tell ourselves to justify seeing him at optional times. None of us HAVE to see our xAPs, we make choices. Even those of us who have (had) to work with them - difficult, devastating choices are sometimes the only options available. That may mean sticking it out and learning to manage the horrible pain of LC, or leaving a loved job. Doesn't matter - it only matters that the A ends.

Sending you caring vibes,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 7/9/2010 6:23 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:54pm

PikuLou,

Thank you for your concern. It's really nice to feel supported. I know that I should cancel. Funny enough, he's been texting me for a few hours and even called me twice and didn't mention hanging out tonight. I'm sure as hell not bringing it up so we'll see.

I know that I've made him out to be horrible. I think it's easier for me to concentrate on all of his bad qualities and ignore the good ones. That way I remember why it is that I need out of this. He's actually quite incredible. He's gentle and kind (despite the horrendous things I've said about him). He's cultured and sensitive. He's also a deep thinker which is part of the reason I am so drawn to him. But I try not to talk about all of the reasons why I love him because that makes it harder for me to walk away.

I just wish I didn't have it...

-livetolaugh

Transcendingus,

I am so sorry that my story is affecting you this way. I completely understand what you mean when you see people basically running head on into a fire and you know that they are going to get burned but you can't do anything to stop them. Trust me, I know. I'm a Social Worker. Go figure, huh? Hence the phrase, do as I say and not as I do. :(

As far as me talking to his wife, you haven't missed anything. I'm a moron. He knows that if anyone can make her see what she's missing in him, it's me. He knows that if I spoke with her, more than likely I can convince her to take him back. That ship has sailed. I am no longer even entertaining that idea and the only reason that I did was because his happiness has always been more important to me than my own. And if that meant sacrificing myself for him, that was what I was going to do. Not anymore. I'm not going to play the role of a martyr. The lyrics to the song "Lover's Cross" by Jim Croce pretty much some it up. (Sorry, I'm a music fanatic.)

What makes walking away even harder is that his brother (my ex) is one of my best friends. We dwell in the same circle and it's going to be nearly impossible to have him out of my life completely. And as much as I know that I should find a way to make sure that happens, I'm not sure that I'm ready (or want) that right now. I don't know. I'm stuck. I'm scared. I feel like I've lost myself in this. He credits his strength to me and meanwhile, I've lost all of mine to him.

-livetolaugh

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 6:51am

Well???? Did you meet up? What happened?


I hope you're okay. You're doing the right thing by coming here. And I'm sure XAP has some great qualities, most do, which is why we are attracted in the first place. But you can do better and once the pain after ending is gone, you'll find someone who is devoted to you.


I'm changing my phone number today... and it's killing me because I know that signs the end of contact with my XAP. And I do want to know he's thinking of me and that he misses me. But he and I have shown we can't stick to NC and it's the only way to end this self-destructive mess.


I wish you all the best, and hope you can maintain friendship with your ex-boyf and distance yourself from XAP.


Let me know how you got on.


PikuLou xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 12:55pm

Thank you so much for the support. I'm so glad that I came here and posted my story. It's not easy talking to just anyone about this because most people are so quick to judge and tell you what they THINK they know about the situation.

So I went over there last night. We spent about 7 or 8 hours just hanging out on the porch talking and listening to music. It was wonderful. I was having a great time and thinking to myself that this is what I was going to miss- just the simple, fun, non-complicated times. As it got later and later, I started to wonder if I should just up and leave and not have to worry about whether or not anything sexual would take place. (I should note that we aren't affectionate with each other. There is no sign that we are even involved in any way other than when we are fighting or actually having sex.) Sigh. Anyway, I had you all in mind when trying to make a decision and I knew that I should leave that way I could walk away knowing that I called the shots this time but of course I didn't.

But this time when I left, it was different. As sad as I was, I was even more angry. Angry at myself, angry at him, angry at the situation. I was screaming in my car on the way home- so mad that I let myself be treated this way and I vowed that it was going to end. I have NO reason to stay. Loving him (when he barely deserves to be loved anyway) is no reason to stick around and let myself be trampled on. And even though I'm so incredibly lonely and am terrified that I won't find anyone else to provide me with the attention I so obviously need, I realized that he's not giving it to me either so really... what's the point? I don't need to sit there and listen to how much he loves his wife and how he wants to have kids with her. Or how he can't wait to be single. Or how I'm perfect and wonderful but "not in this lifetime." Enough. I've had it.

I just keep wondering if he's even gonna notice when I'm gone. I know that I shouldn't care but I do. When I don't respond to his texts or calls as often or I'm not there for him to talk to, is he gonna miss me? Is there ever going to be a time that he regrets the way that he treated me and realize that I gave him the world and he took me for granted? I feel disposable. That's the problem. I feel like people can just so easy walk away from me without a thought. They (he) talks about how much I contribute to his life but when I'm no longer in it, I feel like he will barely notice.

I'm just trying to remember that I am worth it. Fake it till I make it I guess. Sigh. :(

-livetolaugh

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 4:14pm

LTL,


I'm gathering from your last post that you didn't have sex with XAP last night, which was the right thing to do, but

   ~Iddy~ 


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