Stuck, scared, alone... Please help.
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| Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:43pm |
I apologize if this story seems long winded and consumed with unnecessary detail but this is the first time I am writing it down and sharing it with people.
I am currently involved in (but trying to get out of) a year affair with a married man. I have known him for nearly fifteen years and to make matters worse, he is the brother of my ex-boyfriend- my first love no less. My ex and I broke up 12 years ago but it still plays a huge role in this mess. (Jerry Springer might come out of retirement for me.) The married man (we'll call him John) and I have always had a very strong attraction towards each other- both physically and emotionally. But he was married, I knew his wife and he was the brother of my ex-boyfriend so I stayed away. Then a little over a year ago, his wife kicked him out of their house. For all intensive purposes, they are separated. Not legally but he hasn't lived with her as husband and wife for a very long time.
Our friendship grew when he moved out and the innocent flirting turned into a full blown affair. I fought it for nearly 3 months but I found myself unable to resist his relentless pursuit of me. That sounds so ridiculous but it's the truth. We would sit up till all hours talking about life, his marriage, the death of his mom, etc. We grew closer and closer until I eventually found myself head over heels in love with him. Funny enough, I never revealed my feelings to him until a few days ago. I always tried to hide it from him but of course, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
This hasn't been a typical affair though. Usually, from what I've read, the "other woman" is treated like royalty. Okay, maybe not royalty but they get the affection and attention and love that is absent in the marriage. All I got was sex. Even our friendship, as deep as it is and as much as it means to the both of us, is also one-sided. We are always talking about him and his issues and it is rare that he ever takes interest in my life. Still he claims that I am the best friend he's ever had.
I have done so much for him over the last year. He lost his wife (for the most part), his job, his mother and his self-respect. I have bought him concert tickets to cheer him up because music is the only thing that makes him feel alive. I pay for his food, his cigarettes and anything else he needs. Mind you, he NEVER asks for any of it. In fact, he turns it down and I have to force him to take it. My goal in my obviously twisted generosity wasn't to win his love but to show him that someone does love him and care for him- that he shouldn't have to settle for someone that beats him down every chance she gets.
I know that I can't save him. I know that I can't fix him. But I wanted to badly to show him how special he was and that he was wasting his life away waiting for someone who didn't see that in him. I never once believed that he would leave his wife for me. I didn't even want him to because I knew that even if he did, it would take years before he was able to fully invest himself with someone else. I knew I'd never compare to her so I never tried. In all honesty, I never knew what I was hoping to gain from this. I guess I just wanted him to want me. I guess that I was treating him the way that I wanted to be treated.
But now a year later, as much as I love him, I am tired. I am tired of the lies and the secrets. I am sick of sleeping with him and having to leave before anyone realized I was there. No cuddling. No pillow talk. I can't reach for the phone and call him when something good or bad happens. I can't turn to him for support. We can't go to dinner or take a walk on the beach. Our relationship is limited to late night talks followed by sex that ends with me in tears because I feel so used. His guilt is written all over his face and he actually said to me... and I quote... "every time I wake up and see you laying next to me, I want to throw up." He was adamant that it had nothing to do with me but the affair itself but still... what kind of a thing is that to say to someone and what must I think of myself that I allow that?
Obviously there is far more detail that I am trying to spare anyone that has already read this far. The point is, I'm devastated and tired and I need out. We mutually decided the other night to end this affair. Going into the conversation, I wanted to end the friendship as well because I didn't think that I could get over him while still having him in my life. He wasn't too pleased with that idea. Tonight is supposed to be our "last" night together. My heart is hurting so badly that I can't think straight. He keeps telling me that we would have been amazing together in a different life. Great.
This affair has done nothing for me but made me already low self-esteem plummet even further. It's made me aware of how little I value myself. I obviously don't think that I deserve any better than a man who looks at me and says "sometimes I just want to have sex with you and then be left alone." But it's okay because he then proceeds to spend 20 minutes convincing me that it has nothing to do with me but the guilt he feels. Right? Wrong. It's not okay. But yet here I am sitting by my phone praying that it rings.
Okay, I think I've said enough. Thank you for letting me vent and thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Any input or support would be greatly appreciated. I couldn't feel more alone.

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I am sorry for the miscommunication in my previous post. I unfortunately did sleep with him. As angry as I am at myself for not leaving before it took place, I'm glad that I didn't because it made me realize even more how important it is for me to get out.
I understand that I shouldn't be in contact with him at all but for now it's not really possible because of my situation with his brother as well as previous engagements we already have planned. That sounds ridiculous but I'm not going to give up a ticket that was $100 to see my favorite band just because he is going. I will, however, stay as far away from him as I possibly can while we are there. I didn't tell him this was over in so many words. We talked about it the other night but I don't think he takes me seriously and in order to avoid further fights, I don't plan on talking to him about it. I'm just going to distance myself from him. For now that may mean responding to texts hours or days later. If I talk to him and he asks me to hang out, I'm going to be busy. He will have to find his own rides to and from places. His own money, his own concert tickets and another shoulder to cry on.
I did take it upon myself to take care of him. I fully admit that but when this began it was strictly a friendship and I did for him what I would do for any of my friends. We have known each other for 15 years and I jumped in to help him the way I do with everyone else in my life. Obviously that is a problem in and of itself that I am so accessible and willing to be taken advantage of. I am (more now than ever) aware that I need to work on my self-esteem issues and that they are at the root of why I'm in this situation to begin with. I really do feel empowered and I believe that I am taking the necessary steps to move on from it and feel better about myself again. I've started an affirmations journal. I've made a nice little itunes playlist of songs that make me feel empowered. I've been reading books on moving on from affairs and rebuilding one's self-esteem. I'm writing poetry again. I'm treating myself to things that make ME happy and that make ME feel good. I'm really going to dedicate myself to regaining my life back.
Thank you for letting me know that the boards are empty on the weekends. I've already begun reading the threads in the Healing Library. They are wonderful. Thank you!
-livetolaugh
Hello Missuz...
So good to hear from you, but sorry to hear you're still feeling low.
I can't gather if you slept with XAP lastnight, but even if you did, I don't really think it matters, what matters now is that you do leave him. And maintain no contact.
You have to think this man is always talking about his love for his wife, having kids with her.. this spells no future for you with him, which is why you should end it... and I know that's stomach churning to read. He has no plans for you in his future. I'm sorry and feel sad for you...
I have no doubt that he will miss you. I remember I had a partner for a year, I never was really that interested in him, but his feelings were stronger, I didn't even finish with him, he rang me to find out were we over and I casually confirmed it.
Roll on a month, two months later, he had gracefully never contacted me again, moved on with his life, and when I saw him out was nothing but polite and friendly and forever, even now, I miss what I had with him, and I'm still attracted to him. I only found
I am sorry for the the miscommunication. I clarified in the post after that. I know that he will never leave his wife for me. I never hoped or expected him to. Honestly, I don't even know what I expected or even wanted out of this. Right now I am experiencing so many different emotions. There is a huge part of me that feels incredibly empowered and excited about how I will be handling this from now on. Another part of me feels unbelievably sad for so many reasons- how he treated me, how I LET him treat him, missing him, knowing that I can't make him happy, knowing that he doesn't want me to make him happy. Another pat of me is angry- painfully angry. I don't know. I'm just a mess right now. But I still have a plan of action and I am confident that I will follow through on it as long as I keep in mind that the end result will be worth it.
Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I know that I shouldn't care whether or not he will miss me or even notice my absence but I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Your input made me feeling more comfortable with walking away. You can't spend that much time with someone and NOT miss them or at the very least notice that they are no longer part of your everyday life. Thank you for showing me that.
-livetolaugh
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NC means NC.
Hi ltl.
A "kind", "sensitive", "gentle" man does not say:
"every time I wake up and see you laying next to me, I want to throw up."
"sometimes I just want to have sex with you and then be left alone."
"not in this lifetime"
he won't hug you, cuddle you or
I don't mean to make excuses for him but he really is all of those things. Just not with me and this has only been within the last two weeks that he's said such things to me. And he's openly admitted that he takes out on me what he can't take out on his wife. Which, of course, is ridiculous and inexcusable. Hence why I need out. Lol He's good at heart but he's damaged and has so many unresolved issues that he needs to work out and can't possibly do that with me in his life- although he claims that I am his source of strength and courage. Blah, blah, blah. If he really cared that much, he'd hold back his nasty comments and realize that I'm a human being with emotions that doesn't deserve to be his punching bag.
You are absolutely right about being physically and emotionally drained by him. I didn't realize just how much until recently. It's unreal how he just sucks the life right out of me. It's not all the time. For the most part when we are hanging out listening to music, talking about nonsense and things that aren't stressful to either of us, I am fine. But when the conversations become more intense, I feel all of the energy leaving my body. It's incredible how he drains me. No more. I won't allow it.
He could take it out on his wife, but knows she will probably kick his azz. lol In some way I think a lot of us are damaged: have unresolved issues that cause distance in relationships. Itès what we do with it that counts... seeking help and trying to live better and make better choices. can be hard when we feel like we are stuck in a rut.
I am glad you are seeing that you don;t deserved to be treated this way and won;t allow it anymore. :)
LTL -
I just read through your thread and one of the things that jumped out to me was:
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I can tell you from experience, you'll never be "ready". And even when you think you're ready, you will get sucked back in. And when you've been crushed for the hundredth time, you'll think you're "ready". And you will fail. IMO, it's not something you train for like a marathon, or think to yourself miraculously one day "I'm ready!" I had a week to more of less "prepare" while XAP was on vacation, and I still struggled. You've taken a step and posted here - take the next step and cut him off. You deserve a LOT more.
The EAS mantra No contact = No new hurts really is true. You just have to do it. And when you do, everyone here will help you get through it.
Bodhi
Bodhi is right! LTL, you'll never be ready.
<<>>
I believe I've gone 180 on the subject of NC. BEFORE, I went NC, I wanted one more text, one last talk, one last look for closure, to get things straight in my mind, wanted the 'bad ending' to end on a good note, but it won't work and I've come to realize that. So, I took a deep breath, fought all the PANICKED feelings and thoughts, and said NC is what I will do.
xAP lives in my home town. I used to ride my bike in the neighborhoods that connect us and I haven't been biking in a month, but doing other things. I love to bike but will find another route sometime soon. We used to bike together, so that activity holds memories for me, but I will get back to it in time. I purposely avoid driving by where he works (go out of my way for an alternative route) and hope I don't see him around at events, shopping, etc.
I have to chuckle...five weeks ago I would have done ANYTHING for one last fix of my xAP, now I feel like I would do ANYTHING to never, never see him again.
MO at 50!
MovingON
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