Stuck, scared, alone... Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Stuck, scared, alone... Please help.
25
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:43pm

I apologize if this story seems long winded and consumed with unnecessary detail but this is the first time I am writing it down and sharing it with people.

I am currently involved in (but trying to get out of) a year affair with a married man. I have known him for nearly fifteen years and to make matters worse, he is the brother of my ex-boyfriend- my first love no less. My ex and I broke up 12 years ago but it still plays a huge role in this mess. (Jerry Springer might come out of retirement for me.) The married man (we'll call him John) and I have always had a very strong attraction towards each other- both physically and emotionally. But he was married, I knew his wife and he was the brother of my ex-boyfriend so I stayed away. Then a little over a year ago, his wife kicked him out of their house. For all intensive purposes, they are separated. Not legally but he hasn't lived with her as husband and wife for a very long time.

Our friendship grew when he moved out and the innocent flirting turned into a full blown affair. I fought it for nearly 3 months but I found myself unable to resist his relentless pursuit of me. That sounds so ridiculous but it's the truth. We would sit up till all hours talking about life, his marriage, the death of his mom, etc. We grew closer and closer until I eventually found myself head over heels in love with him. Funny enough, I never revealed my feelings to him until a few days ago. I always tried to hide it from him but of course, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

This hasn't been a typical affair though. Usually, from what I've read, the "other woman" is treated like royalty. Okay, maybe not royalty but they get the affection and attention and love that is absent in the marriage. All I got was sex. Even our friendship, as deep as it is and as much as it means to the both of us, is also one-sided. We are always talking about him and his issues and it is rare that he ever takes interest in my life. Still he claims that I am the best friend he's ever had.

I have done so much for him over the last year. He lost his wife (for the most part), his job, his mother and his self-respect. I have bought him concert tickets to cheer him up because music is the only thing that makes him feel alive. I pay for his food, his cigarettes and anything else he needs. Mind you, he NEVER asks for any of it. In fact, he turns it down and I have to force him to take it. My goal in my obviously twisted generosity wasn't to win his love but to show him that someone does love him and care for him- that he shouldn't have to settle for someone that beats him down every chance she gets.

I know that I can't save him. I know that I can't fix him. But I wanted to badly to show him how special he was and that he was wasting his life away waiting for someone who didn't see that in him. I never once believed that he would leave his wife for me. I didn't even want him to because I knew that even if he did, it would take years before he was able to fully invest himself with someone else. I knew I'd never compare to her so I never tried. In all honesty, I never knew what I was hoping to gain from this. I guess I just wanted him to want me. I guess that I was treating him the way that I wanted to be treated.

But now a year later, as much as I love him, I am tired. I am tired of the lies and the secrets. I am sick of sleeping with him and having to leave before anyone realized I was there. No cuddling. No pillow talk. I can't reach for the phone and call him when something good or bad happens. I can't turn to him for support. We can't go to dinner or take a walk on the beach. Our relationship is limited to late night talks followed by sex that ends with me in tears because I feel so used. His guilt is written all over his face and he actually said to me... and I quote... "every time I wake up and see you laying next to me, I want to throw up." He was adamant that it had nothing to do with me but the affair itself but still... what kind of a thing is that to say to someone and what must I think of myself that I allow that?

Obviously there is far more detail that I am trying to spare anyone that has already read this far. The point is, I'm devastated and tired and I need out. We mutually decided the other night to end this affair. Going into the conversation, I wanted to end the friendship as well because I didn't think that I could get over him while still having him in my life. He wasn't too pleased with that idea. Tonight is supposed to be our "last" night together. My heart is hurting so badly that I can't think straight. He keeps telling me that we would have been amazing together in a different life. Great.

This affair has done nothing for me but made me already low self-esteem plummet even further. It's made me aware of how little I value myself. I obviously don't think that I deserve any better than a man who looks at me and says "sometimes I just want to have sex with you and then be left alone." But it's okay because he then proceeds to spend 20 minutes convincing me that it has nothing to do with me but the guilt he feels. Right? Wrong. It's not okay. But yet here I am sitting by my phone praying that it rings.

Okay, I think I've said enough. Thank you for letting me vent and thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Any input or support would be greatly appreciated. I couldn't feel more alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 9:44am

Yah, I tried to 'ease' in to NC. What a mess! E1 set me straight on my very first post - where I was asking "how do I do this gently so that I don't relapse?" Her analogy about opening a coffin to see if the body is still dead still plays in my head! It took me a few days to accept that the body was going to stay dead before I committed to NC (then broke it only to have the corpse kick me in the teeth.)

Like Yoda said, "there is only do or not do; there is no try."

NC is the only way to go. I believe that 110%.

I hope you'll have the strength to start day 1 very soon!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:54am

Haha! She would totally kill him. He's not allowed to have a backbone around her. And yes, everyone definitely struggles from some sort of issue. Some people choose to be devoured by them while other choose to be proactive and change what it is that is causing them to suffer. I do truly believe that I've finally reached the point where I am ready to make that change. (All of a sudden MJ's Man in the Mirror just popped into my head! Lol) Most importantly, I finally believe that I CAN make the change- that I'm strong enough to. Thank you for the encouragement!

-livetolaugh

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:01am
I am in no way saying that NC isn't the way to go. I give that advice all the time to my clients when it is obvious that they need to let go of someone toxic in their lives. But for now, because of all the people we share in common plus our upcoming concert, I'm going the LC route. JUST FOR NOW. I know that it's not something that you can gradually ease into but it's funny... I've actually always been the type of person that wakes up one day and says "F it!" and from then on I continue with my life. It sounds impossible but that's how I work for some reason. I get so fed up that I just do what I need to do. I've done it before I am unbelievably confident that I will do it again. Most likely that day will be next Sunday after the concert. I don't mean to sound like I'm rationalizing or making excuses but I really do have the strength when something becomes to much for me to pick up and move on. But you are most definitely correct- with each contact it is easy to get sucked right back in. But I won't. I have faith in myself that I won't. Wow. I sound naive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:07am

You just reminded me of something that I recently read that I have to share with you. It's called "Autobiography in 5 short chapters" and it's from this book called "This Affair is Over!"

Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hold in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find the way out.

Chapter 2: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place but... it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. Yet, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5: I walk down another street.

___________

I read this to myself and out loud every single day multiple times a day. I think it is perfect!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:31am

LOVE IT!

You are right but see... as I was responding to messages I had to deal with one of the reasons why NC is nearly impossible for me right now. His brother called me and I heard my AP in the background. I didn't speak to him but there are many times when his brother will just put him on the phone for whatever reason. Oh and if I say no I don't want to talk to him or no, I don't want to go over to their house, it's going to cause a huge problem and make his brother suspicious. Well more suspicious than he already is. If his brother finds out, everyone finds out and many lives are destroyed. I won't let that happen. So LC for now which I am really okay with. I'm actually excited to not respond to his texts or to tell him I'm busy when he calls tonight or tomorrow to hang out. I probably won't even answer the phone. But again, I have to see him on Saturday- no choice in the matter unless I throw away $100 that I spent to see my favorite band. Not going to happen. I will NOT let him ruin my fun anymore.

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