Stuck on this today.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Stuck on this today.....
3
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 9:52am

Ok, I know you will first and foremost tell me, IT DOESN’T MATTER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 9:59am
First off, no reprimanding coming ... however, I do not think you, your therapist or your H should be WASTING any time trying to diagnose your xAP. Seriously, trying to diagnose someone who you are constructing by what you have chosen to share/not share, is NOT constructive, and is rather unprofessional. It is a waste of your precious time & money, and is completely un-necessary. By pathologizing the xAP, we can try and position ourselves as people who innocently got taken advantage of by some sexual predator. I know a lot of BS (I believe particularly Hs), like to think of things in this way, but it just isn't so.

AND YOU'RE RIGHT - Doesn't matter.

It does matter that you get tested if you were having unprotected sex, and good for you for booking an appointment.

Time to re-focus those sessions on something way more essential to moving your marriage forward.

My Best,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 10:16am
Sunrise I can understand your hesitation to believe what xap may have been doing with other woman besides yourself. Getting yourself tested is an excellant action to take for you and your H's health. By turning the focus away from what xap may have done and turning the focus to yourself and what the issues are that are holding you back will be what will unstuck you. I do understand the feeling of wanting to know the whys of xap but I can also tell you how freeing it is to focus on our own actions and let that person slide away from our focus. It takes constant work to change those thought patterns and when you keep working at it you will see the results. I did not think in the beginning of my ending I would see my actions in a different perspective but I am and as time is moving on I am learning more and while some days are still tough in facing me it is the best I have felt about myself in years. Hugs to you sunrise:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 10:28am
Agreeing with TU - and I'm glad to see you posting as you go through things -

here's the reality. If you went on a trip overseas and the day you landed back on US soil, you hear of an outbreak of a disease in the country you were visited - one that may or may not rear it's ugly head right away - and may or may not harm you - wouldn't you go get checked for it, just in case?

Because that is where you are. Regardless if xAP slept with others - he HAS had partners before, including his wife and I'm pretty sure you don't know all her stuff -

Do it - not because of who he is or isn't but because it's smarter to gain clarity then wonder if he really is that big of a jackazz.
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