stupid question, but humor me please
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| Mon, 09-07-2009 - 11:47pm |
OK, I'm probably going to sound somewhat narcissistic asking this question, but I'm so curious if anyone else has had these thoughts:
When I think about my xAP now--and even when I looked at him/thought about him during our A--I wonder how in the world I ended up with HIM.
Like, before he started coming on to me (he was my boss and behaved himself, at least with me, for the first 8 months I worked with him), I never thought twice about him. He was not attractive to me. He hardly interacted with me and I liked it that way. He was cocky and moody and could be a total jerk to people at work that he didn't like or respect. I didn't like the way he dressed. I didn't like the way he strutted around, thinking he was God's gift to women. I just didn't like him--not much, at least. Most of the women at work didn't. Very honestly, ladies, I would have considered myself out of his league (there's where I feel narcissistic). I really did. The first time he came on to (with his wife sitting about 2 feet away), telling me how hot I was, etc., etc., I laughed inside. "As if." I truly would have NEVER given this man the time of day if I'd been in an emotionally healthy place.
And it just burns me up inside that I eventually gave in, I CHOSE to enter into an A with this creep, and today, I am still recovering from a shattered self-esteem because of my involvement with a man that I considered myself--at one time--to be too good for.
Whew, there--I said it. I considered myself too good for him. I did. And today, I'm just LIVID at myself that I ever gave him the power to make me feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH for him. The tables turned, and I walked away feeling second-best and not even good enough for a loser like him.
I can deal with the lingering emotions and the craving I still have for the "feel goods." But it's my self-esteem I'm struggling with. I feel like I don't even know WHO would be attracted to me at this point . . . if a jacka** loser like my xAP didn't really want me, then who ever will?
I'm a real ray of sunshine, aren't I? :) Anyone else felt these things?

Oh juliette, I felt the same way! I agree with you, it is hard to admit you think you were too good for him, but
Juliette -
You read my mind, literally!
Juliette~
And it just burns me up inside that I eventually gave in, I CHOSE to enter into an A with this creep, and today, I am still recovering from a shattered self-esteem because of my involvement with a man that I considered myself--at one time--to be too good for.
YES!!!!!
Thanks, ladies, for your replies :) In a weird way, it's good to know that others can relate.
When I posted this my original thoughts, I was like, why even ask this?! It's a stupid question and it doesn't really matter how or what I think of xAP--he's gone, out of my life, never to be a part of it again, and now it's just about working through all my CRAP and trying to figure out why I went there and how to never again.
But as I've been working through things, I have realized that my self-esteem is at an all-time low. Seriously low. I had a man tell me I was "cute and sexy" the other day. My response? I laughed. Inside I was thinking, "Yeah right. If I'm so cute and sexy, why didn't (xAP) want me for more than his side dish?" He (xAP) and my A made me feel crazy and needy and dependent and powerless and so many other undesirable things. And now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered self-esteem and consider what it might be like to date again. I don't think I'm quite ready for that :)
Anyway, thanks for relating. I'm so glad I can at least look at xMM and KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is not nor would he ever be the right man for me. He wasn't before my A . . . he wasn't during it, though the fog told me differently . . . and he never will be in the future. He is simply a toxic, addictive drug.
by xxiced
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
it's pretty funny- when you read the long threads about xap's, below, you see such a pattern- as you mentioned.
pretty much all of us feel as you do.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h