Stupid, stupid, why do I do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Stupid, stupid, why do I do this?
16
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:36pm

Ok, so I wasn't going to post this, but I know that you guys will kick me in the head, and I think that's what I need.

Since I broke things off on 2/10, xMM has not flirted with me, or tried to get me back in any way. I also know that I need to stay away from him, and not have anything to do with him, so why am I flirting with him, and still having fantasies about trying to get him back? I keep thinking of what I can say to him in the elevator if we are alone or something to see if he will reciprocate. I also think about him coming over to my house (which he hasn't been to since October/November). I never act on these fantasies even if the opportunity presents itself, but why am I having and creating them?

I also went to my first therapy session today. Nothing really came of it today except getting the story out there. One thing he said was that I have a past/present right now, and I am able to be in the present when I am not around xMM, but fall back into the past when he's near me b/c all those old feelings come back up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:48pm

TX

Give therapy time it is not an over night process.

Your doing what your doing because you want something....WHAT IS IT have you identified it yet, can you get it in a HEALTHY way from someone who is free to give it to you openly and honestly.

Don't kid yourself NONE of this is about XMM this all about you and you alone.

I would smack you up side the head but I can't seem to find my stick.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:20pm

I know that therapy isn't an overnight process. I was just posting what had happened today and that I went :)

I also know that whatever it is I'm doing is about me and not him, especially since he isn't doing anything to provoke it. Him just being there provokes it lol. I still want him and still love him (or at this point, still "think" myself in love with him maybe?). If I was acting out the fantasies and actually saying the things to him, I know it would be because in some way I was trying to win him back or see if I could. I'm not acting them out though in reasons of this order, which will hopefully change in importance as I get better:

1. I'm chicken-s*** and scared that he will reject me
2. I'm scared that he WON'T reject me
3. I'm scared that it will upset the balance that we have right now which is still friends and he will have nothing whatsoever to do with me
4. I shouldn't because he's married

I want the importance of these to actually reverse so that him being married is the main reason why I wouldn't do this, and that all the rejection part is the least important. Yep, my head knows that's how it should be, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 8:12am

TX

>>" I still want him and still love him (or at this point, still "think" myself in love with him maybe?)""<<

If your like a lot of women I think you may be IN LOVE with the intense feelings the emotional highs and even the lows, there very emotionally addictive.

In times you thinking will be re-ordered and your going to look at the period in your life and just shake your head at yourself.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 8:23am

Just because we make a decision to end something doesn't mean that the residual effects disappear anytime soon. It takes untapped positive energy and effort to change our behavior patterns. It's a long and difficult journey, but *ALWAYS* remember it is worth it for the simple fact that you are walking away from the fire, and are no longer plaing with it. The heat from affairs scorches us in many ways. But just one mistake (over the one's already made) could insinerate a marriage to ashes. Think about that. Think about the destructive domino effect that discovery can cause. Do you really want to be a participant of that?

Once I was able to see how selfish I had been behaving, just to get that fix or validation, I was able to step outside of the affair box, and see it for what it really was. It's a long process to getting healthier, but a much needed one if you want to find a *real* loving relationship where you no longer have to hide from the world.

One day at a time....

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 8:27am

<<...because in some way I was trying to win him back or see if I could.>>

That's exactly it. When they show no interest in us or the A anymore, that's when it's hard to swallow. I know with me, as long as he was saying "i miss you" or attempting in some way to keep that connection, I was satisfied with things staying just as they are..over. But once all that seems to be gone for them, it's when we think "what the F*&%!, doesn't he care anymore!?" We WANT them to pursue us, so we can say no. And we DON'T want them to pursue us because we're afraid we might say yes. I know I feel more at peace with the relationship being over, when I know he's missing it..maybe it's normal, maybe it's my hurt that's needs to know he's hurting too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:17am

<>

I sure as heck hope so, Free!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:27am
Pup, I think that is what's happening for me. We have gone through this since October, and he has always been the one to break things off and then come back at me again saying he misses me or whatnot. This time, I broke things off, and he's not doing anything at all. In some ways, I think it's not fair that all those times he was able to say when we were on and off, and now that I said we were "off" he still is in control by not letting me put things back on. And no, I don't really want things to be back on, it's just the residual feelings. I always missed him when we broke things off before, and the first few times that he would come at me again I was happy about it. The last couple of times, I got mad and really didn't understand why I was mad. My thoughts at the time, that I didn't understand, were "isn't this what I want? I want him to want me again, so why am I upset that he's wanting me again?" I knew in some way that I was mad because I felt like he was just able to go back and forth with me whenever he wanted, and I was playing right in to it by going back to him whenever he wanted. It's all confusing, but at least I can come here and write about it and get advice. I'm scared at what my life would be like if I wasn't coming here. I'd probably be throwing myself at him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:37am

<>

And if I hadn't been coming here, I would have been outside yesterday when I saw his truck outside my office window. This place helps keep you on track...so stay with us :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 1:17am
"I wrote this out and taped it near my bed so that it is the first thing I see in the morning and the last when I go to bed:

-No one deserves to be a part-time escape valve on the side of a struggling or failing marriage.
-I am not someone to be a part-time escape.
-Any man who starts a relationship knows exactly what it takes to be upfront and make ME the priority of his life, and without any excuses for why he can't be with me permanently.
-Hold them all accountable to that standard and if I'm faced with any reluctance or hesitation, tell the guy to hit the road!
-As I demand excellence from my suitors, I will attract only excellent suitors."


Thought you could use the reminder of what you wrote a few days ago.....


Keep moving forward.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 1:55am

<< This place helps keep you on track...so stay with us >>

I plan on it. I'm thinking now that it's not even really about wanting HIM back now. It's just the remembering how we used to act with each other, and now it's like it never happened. I'm getting through the grieving process.

I broke my NC rule on Wednesday. My NC is a bit weird since I can't really have real NC with him. I just don't go out to his truck on breaks and don't talk about anything personal that happened with us. So on Wednesday, we were talking about people that we work with at the FL and TX sites (call centers), and were talking about how some ppl that we work with are nice when they call on the phone, but in person they aren't. He said that when I used to call that I was mean on the phone, but nice in person. For one thing, I never called and asked him for help when I was in FL, and another is that I've never been mean on the phone. Anyhow, I wrote him a note that said "Whenever we talked on the phone, I was ANYthing but mean to you." He wrote back "Could you get over it?" So I got upset, and went out to his truck on our 1st break. I was trying not to cry, but was anyway. He looked at me and said " 'Fallon', I was kidding" I told him, "I am trying, ok? But I don't have anyone to go home to to help me get over this like you do. Can you just do me a favor, and if I act jealous can you not make a big deal out of it, please. That just makes all of this harder for me." I asked that b/c he was teasing me about being jealous the other day. I told him that I will try to not act jealous if he won't make any big deal out of it if I do.

Since we had that conversation, he hasn't teased me in regards to anything like this. We all joke around up there, but it's gone back to regular, non-personal stuff like you would tease around with co-workers and I haven't been upset.

Please don't beat me up over this. I know that I shouldn't base how I feel on how he treats me, but I'm still trying to get through all this the best I can. Amazingly, he's helped me when I asked. He doesn't want any weird stuff or hatefulness between us, either, and just wants to get on with things.

On a better note, I am going out and doing things on the weekend to keep myself busy. I went and helped my sister two weekends ago when she had surgery to remove her wisdom teeth. Last weekend I met up with two of my aunts and my cousin. I didn't really want to go, but I knew I needed to get out of the house. This weekend I am going with my car club on a 3-hr caravan to this museum/festival place then we are going to a steakhouse. I'm trying to get out and meet up with people. I feel that I am getting through this a lot better than when I first got here. I still have feelings for him, and still get a little jealous of him, but it's not NEARLY as bad as it used to be. I don't go home crying every night like I used to. I've even been able to get through times where I haven't been thinking about him, and then think "wow! I didn't think about him for like 2-3 hours!" That seems stupid to some people, but I know that others who have been/are in this situation will understand what I mean. It's a little progress, but it's progress just the same.

*Fallon not my real name, of course.

PS I'm editing this because I also wanted to add that usually when xMM calls his wife or she calls him, I sit there at my desk and listen to him talking to her. I don't know if I'm trying to put myself through hell doing that. I know that I'm trying to see HOW he's talking to her, tone, choice of words, etc. (UGH - stupid, I know). Yesterday when he called to talk to her about something, I got up away from my desk and cleared away the table we used for a birthday spread earlier that day and went and cleaned the dishes and put them away so that I wouldn't sit there at my desk and listen to him talking to her. Again, a small thing, but progress just the same :)




Edited 3/18/2005 3:16 am ET ET by txfallon

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