Stupid, stupid, why do I do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Stupid, stupid, why do I do this?
16
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:36pm

Ok, so I wasn't going to post this, but I know that you guys will kick me in the head, and I think that's what I need.

Since I broke things off on 2/10, xMM has not flirted with me, or tried to get me back in any way. I also know that I need to stay away from him, and not have anything to do with him, so why am I flirting with him, and still having fantasies about trying to get him back? I keep thinking of what I can say to him in the elevator if we are alone or something to see if he will reciprocate. I also think about him coming over to my house (which he hasn't been to since October/November). I never act on these fantasies even if the opportunity presents itself, but why am I having and creating them?

I also went to my first therapy session today. Nothing really came of it today except getting the story out there. One thing he said was that I have a past/present right now, and I am able to be in the present when I am not around xMM, but fall back into the past when he's near me b/c all those old feelings come back up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 6:13am

<< I got up away from my desk and cleared away the table we used for a birthday spread earlier that day and went and cleaned the dishes and put them away so that I wouldn't sit there at my desk and listen to him talking to her. Again, a small thing, but progress just the same :)>>>

This is bigger than you think. Changing behavior patterns at work is a *must* in that getting-over-him-affair-manual for coworkers ;) #1 rule is to remove yourself from painful triggers and you did that. For me, most interaction took place upstairs in his office. I *NEVER* go up there anymore (actually I stopped doing that weeks before I even made my decision to end it). If I have to fax something now (fax is upstairs) I wait until he goes out to to lunch or I give it him (to take care of) when he comes downstairs for coffee. Whenever his cell rings (he has a different ring for business people and family), if it's family, I get up and walk outback to do something. If he starts talking to another coworker about his family vacation, I go to the bathroom. AND, I came right out and told him in the beginning of the end that there would be *NO* personal discussions about us, the affair, or feelings. He has respected that 100%. Basically, I have cut him completely out of my radar at work unless it is business stuff. It took several months of mind control on my part, and now we can at least joke around again like we used to before we messed up.

We can save ourselves. No one is going to do it for you. You just have to make up your mind that you deserve to be respected and NOT settle for anything less. No one can weaken you unless you let them.

Wear your poker face, Fallon. Fake it till you make it!!

Id

Edited to add: The old cliche, "What you don't know can't hurt you" applies big time, that is why ignoring little things he does by walking away or showing disinterest works magic on healing AND serves a dual purpose in pounding one more dent in their inflated, annoying egos. :)




Edited 3/18/2005 11:30 am ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:04am

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That comment of his would have sent me into a tailspin too. Get over it?! Wow, how simple, don't you wish we thought of that before?!

Back a little while ago, I had saw him with his work truck on my way home from work. I had told him on IM that I saw him, and he asked "did you honk at least? give me the finger? spit in my direction? try to hit me?" I took those statements as mocking me and my emotions. I paused for a minute and replied "no, I didn't honk".

I just think it proves to us how unimportant our feelings are to them. Which is a key part in me moving past this.

I like how you are trying to change certain habits that have been with you awhile. Anything that is a trigger for your pain should be avoided if at all possible. I should listen to my own advise, because I still have his screennames on my buddy list, and one of his names REALLY triggers alot of anxiety for me for various reasons..I need to delete them so I can't know when he's online..I need it to not matter to me. The best I've been able to do so far, is walk away from the computer when I see him sign on, and do something else. But I still have this morbid curiosity I guess, which is why I can't ever delete his names for too long. I suppose that's what you did when you would sit there and listen to his conversations. You did good by doing something else to keep you busy..we can only hope that someday, those things won't mean squat to us anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:47am

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I was proud of myself for doing that. I also know that this is affecting him more than he lets on. He doesn't usually call her very often, but that day after we talked in the parking garage, he immediately called home to talk to his son. He also then called later on that day looking for his wife (at his parents house, I think?). That's the time that I got up and cleared away the table. I could tell it was guilt that got to him.

I'm glad you posted back to this. I thought it was not anything special that I had done, and was actually ashamed that I had gone to talk to him and broke the NC (or personal-NC) that we have. I'm still not happy that I did it, but I needed to tell him that if he wants me to get over this, then he has to not say anything that is going to trigger me, such as teasing me about being jealous or laughing at me about it - I actually think HE thinks that laughing about it should lighten the atmosphere surrounding it (rolling eyes here). He's kept to that so far. I really think he just wants to get this all over and in the past, too.

The other thing is that you understand where I am coming from with being co-workers. I can't just quit my job, and neither can he. He has a family to take care of and he is the main breadwinner. We also talked about this on Wednesday. He told me that he had been looking at other places because of this. I told him that I had been, too, but that I don't want to leave this job because I really like it. He said he doesn't either for the same reasons. I told him that I don't think that either of us should have to leave over this - that we can get through it and be ok. This is also breaking a pattern of mine with past relationships with regular boyfriends where I totally got away from the guy because I couldn't handle it otherwise. This time, I am handling it w/o running away. My therapist said that this is more of an adult reaction and is good to be trying it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:56am

<< I should listen to my own advise, because I still have his screennames on my buddy list, and one of his names REALLY triggers alot of anxiety for me for various reasons..I need to delete them so I can't know when he's online.>>

I deleted his screenname from my list a long time ago. I didn't want to know when he got home, or when he was online, or anything. We haven't talked through AIM since he moved back home in October, but I still had the screenname on my list so I could see when he got home. It's no longer on there. For one thing, his wife uses it, too, because he has AIM set to come on automatically when his computer is turned on, so I don't really know if it's him or not, anyway.

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I hope so, too. I know that it just takes time. I finally am able to talk to my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me. I thought I would hate him forever, but after I wasn't in love with him anymore, the hate went away, too. We are actually able to talk now, and I've told him about xMM. We are able to talk as friends and realize enough about our relationship to know that we weren't right for each other, no matter how much we cared for the other person. I was actually giving him relationship advice about his girlfriend the other day. That just cracked me up! Here I was giving advice to my ex-bf about his girlfriend. Never thought that would happen!

So if I am able to be friends with him, and not care one wit about his love life, I think that I can eventually be that way with xMM too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 10:17am

<<>>

Thank for sharing that. I never went to therapy for this, (too proud to ask anyone for help, and had made a conscience decision to face my demons (at work and otherwise), and NOT RUN AWAY this time! <----an old pattern of the past. I'm *THRILLED* to hear that I am finally acting like an adult :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 5:10pm

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Glad I could be of service!

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