substitution for the pain ...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
substitution for the pain ...........
5
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 3:30pm
OK so its been almost a month since ive seen or heard from XMM... everyday is a huge struggle no matter what i do.. reminders everywhere.. its insane... im having a hard time coping... so now my ex fiance' is in the picture.. the man i was suposed to marry over 20 years ago..he came to town havent seen him in 10 years.. we hung out for a little while as he was passing thru and all them feelings came rushing back...like so familiar comfortable.. he wants to make plans to come back and spend some real time together... im likin that idea... however my mind is still on xmm its taking my focous of my pain there.. but i know its not a good thing right? like this is just like transfering it to someone or something else? not a good idea... OMG im so confused.. what a mess i get myself into... i just want to forget XMM and move on.. my marriage sucks my kids all have thier own life and doing thier own thing all im good for is some cash or the car ! .. i have nothing to look foward to ... everywhere i look there is a car or a name or a song or something that takes me back to XMM... and for a few hrs i didnt think about him .. when i was with my other X.... i need help.. how does one go about looking for a therapst? i wouldnt even know where to begin ....... but i really need some help this cant be good .. i have issues ! thanks for listening .. wam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 3:56pm

WAM

therapst, start with your Family Dr they can refer you and it is totally confidential, you could also take to your preast/ minister/ rabbi/ maula...they usually can help you find one.

I have to agree starting another affair with the XF is a bad idea you need to spend the time and energy fixing you first then when your ready deal with your marriage one way or another FIX IT, JUNK IT OR LIVE WITH IT.

Your on the right track don't let yourself be distracted by XF....keep him X for now, if he really cares about you he will accept it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:46pm

Substitution is not uncommon, WAM, especially when the underlying issue is that you just aren't happy with yourself. You're running from one thing to the next, anything, to find something outside of WAM to make yourself happy. That's the beginning, and end, of your problem. You're not happy with yourself. Before you get yourself involved in any more messes (sorry, but that's kind of what seeing your ex-fiancee sounds like to me) try to focus on YOU - your needs, your happiness - and find a way to get those needs met and find that happiness from inside. It seems so much easier to look outside of ourselves, to men, shoes, chocolate, drugs, alcohol, whatever, to be happy. The painful reality, however, is that you are the only one who can make you happy.

Get some professional help before this all goes any further. Love and best wishes, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:02pm

I would suggest this first...
http://www.therapistlocator.net/

And if you find that you're still seriously considering having another affair, perhaps here...
http://www.divorcelawfirms.com/

If you're not committed to it, you shouldn't waste yours or his time. Move on and put some focus on you.

Good luck to you!!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:20am
thanks for the replys.. I know what i need to do ...I know getting involved with XF is not a good thing , and im not going there.. I still cant get my mind off xmm so xf really is just a good friend.. it was something to get excited over for a few minutes i guess... i think thats what im missing the most here.. something to look foward to , something to get excited about.. I probabaly should either work on my M or toss it, but it really is tuff when u have kids that depend on both of you and u each live seperate lives.. we did the MC thing it worked for like 6 mths then back to the same crap different day stuff...neither one of us wants to make the extra effort how ever neither one of us wants to say its done ... there for A's happen ... any way thanks for the suggestions , replys... i think i need to think a bout me for a while .. sort it all out... onlything wrong with that is , what i want involves xmm and thats not an option...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 8:55am

I found my therapist by contacting the therapist that worked with my sister and asking her for a recommendation. After attending 4 weeks of sessions I can honestly say that Thurs. at 11:30am has become one of the highlights of my week and certainly a healthy "substitution" to look forward to. By turning the focus "inside" I am learning to accept and control my triggers. Yes, I still cry when I hear a certain song and yearn when I drive by certain hotels but I am able to "sit with" the pain and it does eventually pass. I recognize (and accept) my Affair for the “quick fix” and placebo that it was.

It has been 3 months since my XMM ended it and I know THIS TIME it is finally over. (On previous occasions I ended it and always wandered back). I needed that cold slap in the face – to hear it from him – I KNEW it was time for me to wrestle my demons within. He was a very pleasant (and often not so pleasant) diversion. NO MORE AVOIDANCE for this chicko. I am my own “happiness bearer” –(Do yourself a favour look up “Posiepops” in the archives – she has posted frequently on this concept)

FREE is also an amazing resource here. One of her latest posts has profoundly supported me at this point in my process and I suggest you also try and internalize her message – if you are really and truly READY to end your A (THANK YOU AGAIN FREE)

<<<When you experience shame, anxiety, sadness, fear, and self-doubt, your immediate reaction may be to run. Like a hand yanked back from a burning log, your body —with the help of your defenses—will want to yank you away from painful feelings. This will stunt your growth and keep you an emotional child. However, the process of learning to sit with your feelings will help you reach beyond fearful flight, into the self-knowledge that feelings can bring.
This growth came for me by slowing down when feelings pricked at me painfully. Since I was already good at identifying my feelings and their message, I rushed to a solution. If I felt fear, I checked to see what was happening and what I needed to do. In rushing, I missed a lot of deeper self-growth, and remained stuck at a level of life management that, while good, wasn't as rich, liberating, and joyful as I now feel.I gradually changed from getting a quick idea of what was going on, to forming an in-depth and compassionate relationship with my inner guides.">>>>

I am so grateful to everyone here at this board and wish you all strength and courage as we each continue our journey towards TRUE self knowledge.

ARTIST

P.S. ***ID*** I hope you see this…. My ride is having its share of “bumps” but I am also experiencing my fair share of “epiphanies”. (I miss you)