Such similiar feelings
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Such similiar feelings
| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:35pm |
I read the post "Just and afterthought" and it really got to me. I miss XMM soooo much and being without him is killing me inside. I too miss the text messages, the good morning calls, the calls on his way home from school at 11pm at night. It is just so different. I hardly remember life before him. I sent him a letter the other day asking for answers. I know I will not get a response and I feel so desperate now for sending it. The horrible thoughts that run through my head, I wonder why was it so easy for him to leave and did I not really matter to him at all. I want to know that I was important and that he misses me and thinks of me. In all honesty though, I really don't know how he feels about me now. He may despise me for all the stuff I told my H about the relationship that got back to his W. But I had to come clean with my H with everything.I know to save his marriage, he cannot contact me at all. The other day while walking in Sears I saw the Optometry area (he was an Optician) and it hit me for the first time that I may never see this man's beautiful face again. The person that made love to me like noone ever has, the one that made me feel beautiful and sexy, the one who's smile just lit up my life. It's over and we are done and I hate it. I love my H, but am not madly in love with him like I was with my MM. I bought a journal last night and am going to start writing things that I don't want to forget, memories that we shared, because I know one day they will be a blur. This coming Tuesday I am invited to a kids b-day party at Chuck E. Cheeses, and I know he will be there. Not going to go, but wow to be able to just look at him. Why am I torturing myself with all this crap. My H loves me so much and I have two great kids (4 and 11 weeks) and I am tired of letting him control my day without even being around him. I have to keep myself busy all day or I just start thinking. I want this all to go away, but it is so hard. I know he isn't sitting around his house dwelling over me. Please someone slap me and tell me that I will not hurt someday!!
SJ

I am going to post to the board about would you delete all the memories of your affair if you could. The idea is in a movie i saw last night: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I have never told my H about my emotional affair. My XMM and I promised each other--one day last Fall--that I would never tell and he would never leave and that we would never hurt one another. I have often thought of coming clean on this with my H b/c it would certainly explain some of my depression and other behavior to my H. But i don't. I do bet your XMM is upset that you told and it got back to his wife. How long ago did that happen? What did the wife do?
Clarice