Suffering in Silence

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Suffering in Silence
3
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:08am

While consistently reading the posts here, I have been suffering in silence.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:03pm
Fulovlove, your post resonated strongly with me, and I had to come out of "lurkdom" to respond. You are doing the right thing - and the right thing can hurt! My XMM's wife told him some time ago that she is gay. Although they are working through this issue, chances are that the marriage will not last (no children), and he knows it. Our relationship started long before this revelation, and at first I was full of hope that things would wind down with them and we would be together, with no stigma. However, "life is what happens to you while you're making other plans". I am the outsider here; only the two of them know what's really going on with their marriage. I don't want to be sitting in limboland wishing for something that will cause a great deal of pain to two people I care for (she is a distant friend, but a friend nonetheless). I also don't want to help him stay in an unsatisfactory marriage by supplying the validation he isn't getting at home. (We have never had sex, although we have certainly been intimate, so that's not the issue.)

For months I wracked my brains and conscience, seeking the right course. He's going through a very, very difficult time, and it feels cruel to deny him my friendship and support. However, HE IS MARRIED, and has admitted to me that she would be hurt if she knew the extent of our feelings for one another, and all the secret meetings, calls, and emails. She would be devastated if she knew he had shared her "secret" with me (although I had long suspected she was gay....)

I love this man deeply, and have for many years. I want the best for him. And all I can come up with is that it is best for them to work through their issues without adding to the confusion by my presence in his life. I read it time and time again on this board - if the marriage is going to end, it has to be because they decide it isn't working, not because of some outside person. If it does end, there's no guarantee that he will be with me - he may want to move on, as many do. As you say, if it's meant to be, it will happen.

I relate so strongly to your feelings of suffering in silence (can't tell anyone!), and the pain you feel when hearing the details of his life. Confusion, anger, hurt - exactly! I can't help except to say that you are not alone (though our circumstances are quite different) and that you will not regret your decision to bring your life out of the darkness and into the light. Don't wait - live your life! If the time comes when you can be with him - for real, honorably - you will have no guilt, because you did the right thing. If you don't end up together, you are honoring your spirit and that will help you to move on and find what you deserve. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.

Namaste-

mtnsweetheart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:49pm
Sweetie,

<<>>

IMO, if you want to put your life on hold until next year, that is your choice BUT waiting for the ink to dry on those divorse could be the longest wait of your life. Are you willing to bank on what could just be false hopes and promises?

Total NC is what this man needs right now if he is to get his priorities straight. As long as he knows you will take his calls and listen while he alleviates his marriage woes and problems on you, he will never get off of the fence; for you OR his wife. IMO, he is stringing you both along....

If you really love him, let him go. You might rediscover some real love in the process: Loving yourself again.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:57pm

Mtnsweetheart and True, your responses are full of wisdom and truth.

Love