Sunshine Burn
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:51pm |
I am really proud of you and I want you to know you are an inspiration to me because you seem to have gotten 'it' so much quicker than I ever did. And you just seem like such a beautiful person. how are you doing? what is continuing to give you the strength to keep NC? how are you going to get him out of your head.
That is what I wonder now. I am finally dating someone after being alone for over a yr since my D. He is really wonderful, but I feel like I still love xMM.
I have come so far though because last night I was listening to a cd which had love songs and xMM's favorite song on it with my NG and didn't even phase me! That's cause I grieved this one SO hard that all the crying is gone.
What's left is just HIM in my HEAD. You give me courage, especially your concern for the BS. I just had C with xMM 12 days ago for 4 days after 4m NC and I really am sorry for it because of HIS WIFE. I didn't have IC (for her, me, him) but STILL it was wrong. I have no problem keeping NC at all anymore--and I ignore 90% of his C--but somehow he always gets to me finally and I get weak--and then we start the NC again. At least it only lasted 4 days.
I wish I had been stronger. Next time. (I am praying that there won't be a next time)
Survive

Thanks so much Survive, for the kind words!
I am doing okay. I miss him, but I am so much better off now and wether he agrees or not he is too. I need to be with a man who is all mine, and I'm thankful that I finally realized I was poaching another woman's husband. It just wasn't right.
What gives me the strength to keep up no contact is thinking of who I was when I sat at home on Saturday nights, staring at my cell phone. Thinking of his wife, and the pain that it would cause her to know what I have done to her. Thinking of what kind of life I really want for myself.
I don't know that I will ever get him out of my heart, because he will always have his own place carved out there, but he will get out of my head with time. That is the only thing that will make the thoughts of him go away.
Its all mind over matter, girl. I refuse to let the man I love lower himself to adultery and I refuse to let myself live a life in the shadows. When I think of calling him, or returning his email, that's what I repeat to myself.
Not crying over a love song is a HUGE accomplishment! I'm not even there yet!! I just choose not to listen to sappy stuff or songs we shared. I listen to more "girl power" "he can kiss my butt" music.
Thing is, we dehumanize their wives in our heads. Like that post I made here, "the wife" we don't even refer to her differently than the dog or the house. And its all subconscious. We have to get face to face with the fact that there's another living being on the other side of his bed every night. And she's made a lifelong commitment to this man. She would be crushed if she knew, and even if she never found out, I still know its wrong.
I didn't fully "get it" until I spent some time at All Sides. They really woke me up by letting me see just how wonderful some of these women are. They are not the bitter frigid wenches typically thought of by people on some of the A boards. They are warm, caring and confused as to how someone who "loves" them so much, could hurt them so badly. If you want a boost of strength and a blast of reality, come over and visit me there. I am usually on that board far more than ending. I pop in here from time to time to see if I can lend anyone a shoulder to cry on, or an ego boost when they're feeling lower than low (cause I KNOW how that feels), but this board is still so close to the a, I feel a little past it. I am not ending an affair. I ended an affair. And I feel worlds better now!
Thanks again so much for thinking of me. I'm glad you feel that something I've said has helped you and I encourage you to email me if you ever want to talk. Again, I hope you'll jump over to all sides and say hi from time to time!!!
Hugs and GOOD LUCK!!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t