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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:33pm |
Was lurking on the My Affair Support Board and I feel really sad for women that are still in the A. They don't seem very happy. Kind of makes you wonder why we have A's to begin with. I hope that they some day have the courage to cross over to this board and that they can find the support and encouragement that I received here.
Just a thought.

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I was just thinking the same thing today. With all of us here hurting pretty bad, those women who are still in this, and those that may even be considering having an A, should come here first and see the pain most of us are still in.
Hi,
It is hard - ya know, I post on both boards.....because I will not have total NC -
I no longer get phone calls and xMM does not contact me at all - but he is one of my H's best friends.....
So when I do see his face or he is at my house (hurts like hell - mostly because he does not say anything to me and barely looks at me) It thoughs me back.
I feel like I am emotionally still tied to him - I also cant believe that he lost his feelings for me either.
If he has I dont know -
I lurk on the Betrayed Spouses Board lately - the other side is helping a bit with my sadness. Even though all our friends and my H still say that xMM and his W fight and he is not living at home (I guess he stays there a few nights a week) I still believe that he wants a D - and seeing how some of those people on the BSB are hurting makes me realize that there are two women in our situation that are crushed........for different reasons.
Do you think that us (the OW) hurt more?
Im in a similar situation, but it's not my H best friend, all four of us are friends. It's a good thing we don't live too close and don't really see each other too much. But just a few weeks ago, we were invited there..I tried saying no, but really had no out. And, as hard as I tried cancelling plans we had with them for the holidays, at a function he will definately be at, there was really no good reason I could come up with not to go. But I don't anticipate having to see him until then. My focus from now until then is to assure myself that I CAN and WILL have a good time despite his presence there.
So having NC isn't an option for me either. But, I was clear that the only contact we will have is when the four of us are concerned. And an occassional 'hello, how are you' on the computer to keep up appearances (my H would think it odd if we didn't speak anymore).
And I'm not sure who has it worse. I think an A is difficult for everyone involved. Most A's only lead to heartache in the long run. So, why do we do choose to have this temporary high, when we know what likely at the end?
Edited 12/3/2004 2:14 pm ET ET by hurtpup
I am also looking at the BSB, but only to see if I find a similar situation to mine and see how this is playing out. Maybe I still have this little glimpse of hope, that he will come back to me. For some reason I am not as hurt as I was a few weeks ago, when I sensed that we might have to break up. Don't get me wrong, I am hurt and I am in pain, and I probably am just prolonging my pain in talking to him daily, but I feel some kind of relieved that the A. ended. I think in my case his W is hurting more, since we were friends and he keeps telling her that he still loves me and always will.
~shescomeundone~
I had to post because I was lurking as I do on occassion. I agree that many of the posters on the other board don't seem happy, and you're right....why be in a relationship that causes you unhappiness?
I'm M w/ 2 boys and a husband who fulfills my emotional needs. He's a great guy and a wonderful father. I'm having an affair with another man. He meets my needs physically. I have no interest in leaving my H, and my OM is not a person I would seek out to be in any sort of a committed relationship if I were single.
Before I get blasted, I'm not posting for any opinions on why I should get out or what sort of devestation this could cause. I am fully aware and I am responsible for my actions.
Sorry, but as a BS I had to respond to this. I do lurk on all the boards, and it has been over 2 years since my d-day. It is just my 2 cents, but I believe the BS hurts worse, because we are don't get the full picture of what has been happening behind our backs. Been bald-faced lied by the one we put our faith, hope dreams and trust into. Been made to believe that we are crazy, nuts, even stupid, for thinking that our spouse or SO is having an A, whether it be a sexual or emotional one, even after we find hard evidence, or just the gut feeling that seems to be the start of the red flags that many (myself included) at first refuse to see.
Please forgive me for posting here, but I felt I needed to answer your question.
Basically, I just want to say that this is not something I had a say in, it was my H's decision to make, and while I do understand that the OW/OM/MW/MM are also terribly hurt, at least they knew the whole time what was going on.
Edited 12/3/2004 4:26 pm ET ET by hopefloats87
I post to the A board a lot and usually just lurk here. One thing you should know that most of us only post when we're having a bad day or something awful happened (I usually post when I have PMS) but good times or bad, I wouldn't trade my A for anything. I'm more unhappy with my H than with MM and most are unhappy with their M and would love to have a real R with their MM/OM/MW/OW.
It's not realistic to generalize on us nor to talk smack about people behind their back, especially since you really don't know our individual situations. If we were sooooooo unhappy in the A, we'd get out. But obviously the good times outweigh the bad by leaps and bounds. And when (if) it does get unbearably bad, we end up here.
The one thing that you CAN generalize about people having an A is that they are being completely selfish... A lot of them believe bs like "Hey, I can be happy with TWO people, I can love them both, and it actually makes me a better wife! We all benefit!" The problem with that belief is you are forgetting about the one person who is being left completely in the dark; the one person to whom they have promised to "forsake all others." Honesty and divorce are much less selfish options! Your spouse is being hurt by your A even if they *don't* find out about it -- and if you go on in the A indefinitely, they eventually *will* find out-- it is damaging them and your M in SO MANY WAYS... But that's something people still blinded by the affair fog just refuse to see or admit.
I am not at all flaming anyone -- I feel I have earned the right to say this because I was there once, too, for five years. I have read these boards long enough to come to the conclusion that this is one generalization that IS true. I will be paying for my selfishness for the rest of my life, if only in the enormous amount of guilt and shame I must carry with me to the grave.
I gotta agree with Katie here. Our being totally blind to how selfish we are is frankly amazing. Thinking back I cannot believe I didn't see the impact I was having on my family.
Of course waking up to the reality of the situation is very humbling. And can make the pain of breaking off the A bearable when you are able to refocus that attention back on those people that matter most in the REAL world.
*hugs*
Someday
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