The A Support Board

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
The A Support Board
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Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:33pm

Was lurking on the My Affair Support Board and I feel really sad for women that are still in the A. They don't seem very happy. Kind of makes you wonder why we have A's to begin with. I hope that they some day have the courage to cross over to this board and that they can find the support and encouragement that I received here.

Just a thought.

Jazzdiva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:24pm

LOL, I am getting confused between your two screen names!!!

I swear I am not judging you!!! I am the last person to do that. I was sincerely wondering why you would choose to stay in a bad M. And just trying to point out the various ways that we act selfishly when we get involved in an EMA. That was not meant as an accusation toward you personally, and I am very sorry that you took it that way.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:29pm

yes, I see things differently than I did last year and I'm DEFINITELY not the woman that I was when the A started. NC gives you perspective, another reason why it is recommended as the only was to really break free.

My soul is being eaten away, just like you describe.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:33pm

"and man do I miss the good sex! LOL!"

Yeah....what I'm going to need is a support board for THAT!!! LMAO!!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:37pm
Got that right girlfriend!!! LOL!!!! I am in agony over that one!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:47pm
Hmm..a common denominator...we all had good sex with our XOM. Coincidence? :)
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 8:37pm
I think not....;)

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 5:17pm
Anna ...you asked earlier if us the (OW) hurt more. Having been on both sides now (my DH had an affair nearly five years ago) I STILL hurt from that. It's a totally different sort of hurt, but no less real, no less devastatingly painful. Just different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 1:54am

Hi katcat_iv

How do you know for sure that your xMM told his wife he loves you and always will? I really don't believe any woman with common sense will want to stay with a man who loves another woman.

I'm a BS and I'm sorry for posting here. But the OW in my case also believes with all her heart that DH loved her. When actually he did nothing for her but sleeping with her (at that time he was overseas for almost 10 months), giving her money to buy this and that, and of course bullsh*tting her over emails and IM when he came here to visit me. Considering what he bought for her...maybe it seems like he did love her. BUT I know DH, he is just generous to a fault. It's nothing special.

Yes, OW told me that DH told her that he loved me from the beginning (and why did she still pursue him? I just don't understand...if only my DH told me he loved another woman, I'd show him the door)...but she said DH also told her that he told me he loved her. The latter is downright bullsh*t. Because he told me that he treated her just like he would to a wh*re...that it didn't mean anything to him, he was even enraged and asked me to ask OW when he ever told her face to face that he loved her. I believe him because I see his actions (not just his words), he just cut her out of his life, he showed me her emails begging him to love her and to reply her, but he just ignored her. And that's just him...he can kick someone out of his life just like that. So I don't have to wonder whether he would try to contact OW again or not.

He does everything to win my trust again. And I believe he loves me, because he is the one who apologized and asked me to stay. And we don't have kids...there is no mutual investment,...no financial loss if he wanted a divorce, so really, there is no whatever excuse MM tell OW why he can't leave in my situation. And no pity party for me either...because he knows me...I love deeply, but NEVER I think I can't live without a certain someone or beg a man to love me.

As far as who's hurting more...I think it really depends on the person. For me it hurts because I didn't know what was going on behind my back. Everything seemed to be fine, he called me everyday...we chatted for hours almost everyday, he wrote me love letters here and there, and even though he was far away he did his best to show me he loved me. I love him so it's easier to forgive him, but what anger me the most is the sense of losing control of my life and the damage he did to our marriage...How could I didn't see that coming. I remember I sensed something was wrong with him, but he kept denying it.

But since we are working together through this...the pain is more bearable. He listens to me crying my heart out, holds me to sleep, etc. I have wonderful parents and friends who care about me too. As for the OW, I think she's only after my DH money, since she brag so much about how my DH loved her by telling me what he bought for her. While for me...love has nothing to do with money. And she comes from a society where it's difficult for a woman even to find a man with steady job, much less giving her what my DH did. . While for me, I come from a middle class family, I have education, I don't need a man for financial reason. Plus she seems to be so desperately want to have my DH whatever it takes. And not just that...she is very vain too, brag about how good looking she was. I saw her picture, she is not even attractive at all, and since she took so much pride in her look...I'm pretty sure that she is devastated to find out that I'm way prettier than her (I just didn't tell her that when she brag to me because I don't really care about looks...pretty sure she feels like a fool now LOL).

But I really have no idea who's hurting more...but that's not the real issue. For me, it's just very unfair, because this is never my choice. Whatever pain she feels, it was her choice to pursue an unavailable man. I really don't give a d*mn about her, but sometimes I feel sorry for her. Sorry that she was too stupid to believe everything a man say to her but didn't bother to see his actions. Too blind with $$ and forgot to see the reality. I know now how often my DH promised her this and that but never kept it. That should have told her a lot...As for DH, I know he is hurting too for all the pain he gave me, and it's because he was thinking not with his brain.

Yes I have lurked to the A. support board too. And I find it unbelievable how some of them believe so much that the MM/OM love them just because he said it. Words are really cheap...they even make up excuses after excuses for MM/OM. If a man loves a woman, he will move a mountain just to be with her.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 9:56am

I know that it brings you comfort to know that this OW was nothing but sex to your husband, but the bottom line is that your husband still cheated. He needed this woman and had some kind of "relationship" with her for whatever reason. Buying her things? What the hell for? The way I look at it his penis was in her vagina, whether it was for love or PU$$Y the end result is the same and it sucks!

My XOM had a "thing" with some woman that he was using for sex and even though it gave me pleasure to know that she really didn't mean anything to him he still slept with her. That hurt just as much as if he loved her. A man will say and do anything to get what he needs and alot of women are going to be happy with crumbs. As long as that is the case there is always going to be men cheating on their spouses and we could sugar coat that as much as we want but that is still the ugly truth.

I'm glad that you are working through your betrayal and i wish you the best from now on.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 10:03pm

Hi,

Thanks for your concern. And I know this is not the right place for me actually. Yes you can say it brough me 'comfort'...At least I don't have to worry about whether DH still has contact with OW or not. I don't have to see DH struggling with his feeling for OW. And..call me a bad person, but somehow it gives me satisfaction too. Regardless whether OW finally accept he never loved her or not, the most important thing I know she is the fool one and now she is left with nothing. She went out of her way to hurt me more than I already was. If only you knew things she said to me, maybe you would understand.

Yes it sucks that DH cheated on me. Why he bought her things? Because she asked him to. Don't ask me why he said yes, he is just like that. He just bought his brother a car because his brother asked him to. Why he needed her? Because he was deployed to Iraq and someone over there told me that men over there are very h*rny. And out of 11 there is only 1 woman. Go figure. This someone told my DH if he wanted s*x maybe he could try the younger and more foolish women. And he took the advice I guess.

It sucks big time and that's why even though we are moving on, I still have my 'moment'. As a matter of fact, I just screamed at him for a good 2 minutes. He is trying to make it up to me by giving me more attention and more love. He granted all of my requests. Even now he is away again until end of this year, he is making sure that I have a great holiday in Europe. But still..I fail to appreciate all the things he does for me that money can buy. I told him that I would rather him not cheating on me than having all of this luxury.

But this is my choice to stay with him...it's my decision to work on our marriage, so I have accepted that he cannot change the past anymore. The good thing is, this affair is like a wakeup call for us. I have to admit that I have taken him for granted. I can consider myself successful, and I have worked hard to be where I am. A lot of men find me attractive and he was always insecure about that. I am more outgoing and have always been in the spotlight whenever we go out together. I'm a romantic person, but I tend to keep it only to myself. It's not my fault that he had a low self-esteem or felt threatened by me. But still...as a wife I didn't do anything to help him deal with himself.

And there was OW who seemed to adore him, praise him 24/7, she said she fell madly in love with him after only a couple of months and worn her feelings up her sleeves. While my DH worked hard just to win my love. It was like an ego boost to him I guess. This is not a generalization, but in my DH's case, the real problem is low self-esteem. Yes, he was thinking only with his d*ck. But if he had self-esteem, he wouldn't give in. We both are very sexual, and guess what...I was waiting for him faithfully here. And for OW...she obviously has low self-esteem too. Otherwise she wouldn't want to pursue him when she knew from the start he was not available. One thing she didn't know...there is nothing a woman can do to make a man love her. Either he does or he doesn't.

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