Support for NC needed please
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Support for NC needed please
| Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:05pm |
Hi...I need some help getting over my AP. I can't stop thinking about him and really want to call. It has been since July 22 that I've had any contact when he sent me the cruelest email. He basically said that he never cared about me. That everything he told me was a lie and if I have any further questions to consider the answer would be that he lied about that too. If he never cared why would he rake so many risks? Why would he got on several vacations with me (3 days in February, 4 days in March and 6 days in April). Anyways, the breakup came 5 days after my dad died which just made the whole breakup 10 times worse. Please help me stay strong and realize I need to remain NC.

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Hi Cait,
I can understand why it hurts so much to lose your AP after such a long friendship/rlationship, and such an abrupt withdrawal.
My guess is, suddenly the responsibility of being "there" for you and being a genuine partner during your time of need was just too much for him. His own M is falling apart, and you were his life raft. He has a lot of issues to deal with on his own, and this is NOT your problem.
The fact that H has stepped up to the plate should remind you of the fact that you have a pretty good guy. Use your H's support, your friends' support. Allow yourself to grow closer to H over something real. Working on your M, however, means ending the A for good.
In terms of closure, there are some good older threads on here about the fact that in an affair, there is no such thing as closure. I wish to God that my AP and I could have just said "yes, this is a good time to end, best wishes" shook hands and walked away. He's desperately trying to get closure from me...he sends me copies of old emails I sent him where i express my feelings, and says things like "did you even mean these things?". it tears me up inside, because i just don't know what to say.
I think one thing to realize is, no matter WHAT AP says, you're not going to be happy. no matter how he explains himself, its not going to make sense to you why he dumped you so abruptly and in SUCH a cold way. there is never a good tiem to end and affair. there is never a "right" way to do it. there is never "closure".
The only thing you have control over right now is yourself. You need to get yourself to a point where you don't need those words from AP in order to move on. Write him angry letters, but don't send them. Journal furiously. Visit here often. Mark off days on the calendar that you maintain NC. Keep yourself busy. Go to the gym. Let time heal you. You can do this babe.
throughout this process, i've recalled a quote from T.S Eliot's The Hollow Men, "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper".
Hi Cait
OK, as a softy on the board ( and an end-EE at that) I
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Cait,
Your 2nd post, telling your whole story,
~Iddy~
Thanks again ladies!
cl-iddy...I should have posted the whole story right from the beginning but it's just so hard to put it all out in writing.
Cait,
<
~Iddy~
This board is amazing!
Cait :)
I just wanted to also welcome you to the board. You've already seen what a warm, wonderful community we have (that will also slap you around when you need it). I'm sorry for your loss too. My dad passed away 10 years ago suddenly from a heart attack also. He was only 54. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and reading your posts.
Bodhi
Hi, Cait,
Take a deep breath. Hate is understandable at this point, allow this emotion for a while, then let it go. Have you heard of the 48-hour rule yet? If not, there´s a thread in the healing library.
Kudos for not trying to talk to him. That´s a good sign. I never saw xAP after the end of the A, I don´t know how I would react. I can only imagine the turmoil you must be feeling right now. Do something for you, can you reach out to a friend just to be with someone and divert your attention from xAP? You don´t have to tell what happened, just say you need someone to talk to.
I´m sure someone with more experience will chime in soon, just wanted you to know you´re not alone. Keep us posted.
Pru
(((Cait)))
I'm sorry you happened to see XAP today. You are going to go through a wide range of emotions while you get through this. Much like the loss of your dad. Just know that it WILL get better.
<<<>>
We all try to understand and to make sense of things, but the fact is, in the fantasy world of affairs, there isn't much that makes sense. The sooner you stop trying to understand, the better. Sometimes people come into our lives for reasons unknown to us for awhile. Hang in there, keep yourself busy and read all you can.
Bodhi
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