SW What gave you the courage to end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
SW What gave you the courage to end it?
6
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:02am
Hi all, I've been lurking for a while and know that I need to end my A. I've tried to end it several times in the past few months. My MM's wife found out about the affair in March and found out it was me in July. I've been trying to end things since then. My MM seems unconcerned that his wife knows & about the things she has done (she has caught us together in a restaurant twice & follows him around in her car everywhere he goes).

My problem is that I don't have the strength to end it on my own. My MM has made it clear to me that if it ends it will be me that ends it. But, when he calls I always answer. I tried not answering his calls one day and he showed up at my house to ask why. I don't have a husband so I can't focus on my marriage. I've tried going out with other guys, but I am unable to feel anything for them b/c of my feelings for MM. I just know that it has to end.

If you're single and have ended could you please tell me how you found the strength to do so. I need some major help.

Thanks

O

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:14am

May I offer my unasked for two cents?


What do you mean "trying to end it"?


You know the affair is wrong for you. Yet you choose to continue.


Choose to end it.


Cold turkey.


If MM is such a winner, he'll do what he needs to do to have a complete life with you and get a divorce.


Right now he doesn't have to do anything more than show up because YOU are willing to be a second banana.


So why not change yourself into being #1 in ANY man's life?


Your option and YOUR choice.


Good luck,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:29pm
Hi,

I was struck by your post. I am a single woman with no children and left a MM after a two year, very intense affair. I understand your point that there isn't a husband and often not children at home to distract you, but I was so grateful for that because if I wanted to cry or be mushy or moody I didn't have a husband wondering what was going on. I was (and still am) free to display my feelings any way I want and can camp out on this board for support all night if I need to. On the other hand, when a SW leaves, she leaves without someone else to fall back on. It can feel very alone and I wonder if that is part of the reason that you continue to stay. I suggest that you round up your friends and start making plans. If you have family in the area start making plans with them also. Start marking your calender with committments that you can't back out of. It will help. If those aren't viable options, think about going to the gym or volunteering somewhere. I volunteer at a jail and it is my favorite time of the entire week. It does more for me than I could ever do for the people I interact with. Form a plan for yourself where you aren't alone, panic, and go running back. Also, there is something very empowering about taking the step off the cliff into the "alone" world because it is the right thing for you and you want a better life for yourself. There is something very healing in that. I don't suggest dating right away because the guy simply isn't going to measure up. It takes time to build rapport and intimacy with someone and at least my experience is that when I date too soon that I miss the ex "boyfriend" more and it is a trigger to go running back. Start connecting on a daily basis with the people who will be in your life years from now and even start looking around the office to see if there are co-workers who you might want to have dinner with occasionally. It never hurts to have friendly relations at work and it may fill some hours. Last, spend a lot of time here. I used to spend HOURS e-mailing my XMM and now spend time reading others posts and sometimes writing. I am still on the computer but doing something much more productive.

It is okay that you have tried to break up with him but haven't succeeded. We have all been there. There are probably some things that you find very compelling in him and it is hard to lose that. There were a few things that struck me about what you wrote about him. I can't get past the idea that he knows that his wife follows him around, knows about you, and has caught you two together in a restraunt twice and he continues to be in a relationship with you. I don't care what she has ever done or not done, she is clearly hurting terribly and the idea that he is willing to participate in her degradation concerns me. I also find it distrubing that he has laid all of the responsibility on you. The facts are that he has a wife who is emotionally hemmoraging to the point that she is following him around town, you are uncomfortable with the whole thing and he tells you that you will have to be the one to end it. That may have felt like a compliment and a sign of his devotion to you but it seems like the least honorable thing he could say. I didn't read in your post that he is saying he will leave his wife for you. If he were to do that, at least he would give her an opportunity to rebuild her life and you would have a real boyfriend. Instead, he is doing the least honorable thing possible. His wife must be in constant turmoil that he has caused and he lives with it and continues to make her suffer and then lays it on you that you would have to end his mess. I find it all very sad for her and for you but he has a really sweet deal. You will leave him when you are ready. My hope is that you won't let a fear of being alone stop you because I promise you that alone feels so much better than the turmoil you are in. It will sting, burn, and hurt at times but you will get past the burn and feel stronger for not being willing to participate in self-destructive behavior.

Ways to limit your contact with him is to keep turning off your phone. I leave my cell off all the time now. I turn it on when I want to make a call and listen to my messages. The worst thing that happens is that I have to return a call. But I don't see his number pop up and then have to go through the mental torture of having to decide whether I am going to pick up the phone or not. Let him come to your house. You don't have to answer the door. But more importantly, get busy. Don't have a predictable schedule where you are readily accessible. It doesn't mean that you can't ever talk to him again. You can start with saying you want a couple of weeks of no contact to think. It will speak volumes about him and his own selfish motives if he contacts you when you have asked for time for yourself. You can do it in whatever way works for you. There is no one set master plan but please do consider leaving soon because it sounds like a rather dreadful situation. I hope you keep writing here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:09pm

I was able to end it when I finally realized that I deserved 100% and wouldn't settle for less.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:28pm
Anxietyfree,

Thank you so much for your reply. It really gave me a new perspective on his behaviour through this affair. I've been feeling so alone in this thing that I've been pulling away from my family & friends when really they are the people I should turn to keep me busy and not feeling alone.

O

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:34pm
Hi O,

I was wondering if you had pulled away from your family and friends. I know that I did. I had to in order to continue my behavior. First, it was all-consuming and I had no room (and often no need) for anyone else and also, because it is really hard to live a lie when your family or friends are present in your life. It is easier to pull away and in the end, you become more dependent on the man and it makes it harder to leave. It is okay to have conflicting feelings about leaving him. You can leave him and feel at times like you are dying. It is all normal. I would suggest you form you exit plan by reconnecting with your friends and family now. I had to eat some major crow with a couple of my long-time friends who I had shined off during the entire affair but NO ONE ultimately rejected me and I ended up being embraced back into their lives, without having to explain anything about having an affair. Build your support now. As far as looking at his behavior in the affair differently, just think about his indifference to his wife driving around looking for him and him putting all the pressure on you. It simply is not manly or honorable. Would you treat people in that manner? If the answser is no then give some thought to reassociating with people who lead honorable lives and are respectful and protective of the people they love. Best of luck and PLEASE let us know how it goes. If you "relapse" don't be ashamed to write. It helps to keep writing and getting insight, no matter what the circumstances. And imagine when (maybe very soon) that you get to be one of the success stories and get to give insight of your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:01am
You are in the right place to start. You will get great ideas here.

I found this site 2 years ago after struggling with an affair that had gone on for almost 3 years at that time. I read & posted here for months. I had tried pathetically and failed miserably to end my affair during that time. I didn't really want to.

Finding this site was the beginning of the end for me. I started changing my life - but it took me about 6 mos. to get there from the time I started reading & posting here around Tgiving 2002 and finally and completely ending the affair in April 2003.

I read a post a few days ago that was brilliant, something like 10 ways/reasons to leave your lover. My path was:

1. reading & posting here

2. reading books & articles about affairs & seeing how "common" my relationship really was. We ALL think we're just unlucky to have found our soulmate and he's already married.

3. having wonderful friends who loved me but never let me forget I was doing wrong in having an affair. They were never mean & they were always honest.

4. almost obsessive exercise. At 43, I had a body to die for. I mean Demi Moore. I worked out 2 hours a day. Couldn't keep it up when I got sane again, but dang I looked good. That helped my confidence alot and the endorphins were better than valium.

5. Spent more time DOING things with my children (I was divorced prior to the A) and my friends when kids were with their dad. This kept me busy, away from the phone.

6.Got more engaged at work so I didn't have time for long, lingering, sex-filled lunches.

7. Identifying my devotion to my MM as being an addiction. It really has a lot of the earmarks. Being honest with myself and acknowledging that it might not be "real love" was important for me.

8. FORCING myself to date & date & date. Eventually I met a really great, available guy who woke me up to the possibilities life had to offer!

9. Finally doing it & refusing to give in. NEVER looking back & sticking fiercely with NC. I told my MM, "I will NOT let you mess up my life." I meant it & I believed that continuing the affair would only end badly & most probably for me. I knew my kids, my parents, would be devastated if it all got exposed. I couldn't risk that.

10. Started seeing my MM for what he was. A selfish, lying, greedy person. Not someone I want in my life. He risked hurting & humiliating his wife that he promised to love and cherish - his innocent little children. He was willing to string me along for as long as he could with promises of a distant future. He was just not a stand up guy.

11. Oh, can't leave out about 6 mos. of therapy a few mos. after the affair ended. This was critical to helping me move on. I still had yearnings for my MM even after I was SURE I wanted out and my life was getting better and better. Once an addict!

Now, 18 mos "affair free," I can forgive my MM his foolish romantic notions, his mid-life crisis, his manipulations and schemes to keep me hooked. I believe there was a special connection between us but it was never real, never nurtured and developed and was never more than a thin facsimile. I am in a real relationship now and every moment of it puts the A in perspective as to how weak and phony it really was.

Hold out for the real thing. Don't settle!! You deserve EVERYTHING!! You cannot let this man mess up your life, your world, your possibilities.