Taking NC one day at a time AGAIN

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Taking NC one day at a time AGAIN
6
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:03pm
Hi all! I lurk here regularly and used this board to end my A 7 months ago. Every once in a while, XMM just pops back in my mind and gets a grip on my brain cells, common sense, serenity, will power, etc. In other words, for no real reason, I feel like I'm back to square one - telling myself minute by minute, hour by hour, that I will not contact him.

I posted about 2 weeks ago that he sent me a text message, which I didn't respond to. He hasn't attempted to contact me since then. BUT he's been on my mind almost continuously.

Now I've got to look at what's going on with me that I'm in need of causing some excitement in my life???? If I had to guess, I'm thinking it has something to do with the change in seasons. XMM and I first tried NC last summer, late July. It ended in early September when I sent him a text message saying that I missed him. He responded with about 2 dozen text messages and we hooked up in person a few days later. We pretty much picked up right where we left off before NC. I think I'm remembering back to last Fall when we resumed the A, and remembering the excitement!, the thrill! of being with him again for the first time in many weeks!, remembering how wonderful the sex was after being without it for many weeks! UGH!

At least for me, the change of seasons is a really powerful reminder of times past. So until the temperature actually drops below freezing and the leaves are off the trees, I'm back to taking it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, but I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:13pm
Just curious.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:23pm
sanguineone,

I tried to do no contact for the first time last week, I crashed and burned! The sex was mindblowing and I am actually glad to have left him after having such amazing sex because now he will remember that time most. I think I needed to have one last time, where I knew it would be the last, and now not hopefully, it definatley is!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:35pm
Hey Mo,

This is just a thought -- and I freely admit it may not be a good idea -- but, what if you told your H about these feelings you are having? He knows about your A already, and if you think he can handle the honesty, being up front about your feelings might actually diffuse them.

Hang in there, honey, I *know* you're strong enough not to cave into those urges. And as always, we are here to hold you accountable! :)

xo,

K.


Edited 9/21/2004 1:37 pm ET ET by maybekatie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 4:22pm
Thanks Katie! It's always good to hear from you. I know I COULD vent to DH, I just don't think he'd really want to hear about it, ya know? I also don't want him to start worrying about our marriage, since we've been doing so well together. Plus, he travels alot and I don't want him to worry that everytime he goes away I'm going to start contacting XMM, because we ALL know where that would lead.

I think you understand, my urge to contact XMM isn't about any of that - it's about ME. It's my craziness getting the best of me! Thanks for your response and I hope you're doing well. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:28pm
Hi Mo,

I'm a lurker, but was a regular for way longer than I should have been last year. My A ended 1 year ago this week. I read your post and thought BTDT many, many times. I know exactly how you feel. You go along fine and then WHAM!!!! you feel like you are back at square 1. When I ended it I set a mental clock and decided that after 1 year has passed I will not allow myself to wallow in self-pity, as I call it. Even though I didn't feel like I wallowed all the time, I did more than I should have.

I still see XMM because he is a coworker and a neighbor. I only work a few days a month and he pretty much stays in his house all the time. So I don't see him all that much anymore. But, I still do have to see him sometimes.

I was reading a post on here about things that are wrong with our XMM. I was laughing at the replies, but couldn't come up with any of my own. My XMM is smart, good looking, has a great job and even now when I see him I know exactly what it was that made me fall for him. But, he is not mine to look at like that. I have a H who is smart, good looking, has a great job, is incredibly sexy, whom I love and I know he loves me unconditionally. THAT is what I focus on, the important things that I can control. Myself and what I do with my life.

I understood your previous post about craving the excitement and drama because that is what I liked the best about my A. I always say I lead a very boring, predictable life. What I have learned is my boring life is a heck of a lot better than the exciting one I created for myself. I just have to remind myself of that every now and then.

I know when you get this feeling to contact XMM it is overwhelming and very hard to control. Many times I would contact him, then feel like crap the minute I did it. I took me the full year to figure out what it was that I had so much trouble with.

I was over the A, over XMM, didn't care that we couldn't be friends any longer (this was the toughest for me). Just last week I realized the lack of control of XMM and the whole situation is what I hadn't let go of. I controlled everything about our A. When it ended he started controlling everything. He wouldn't email me back, he wouldn't talk to me, on and on. Once I figure out what it was I was finally after all this time able to let that go.

As hard as it is, you have to figure out what it is about him that keeps you coming back to these thoughts.

Don't beat yourself up. I was so good at giving out the NC advise, but I sure couldn't do it myself. You'll figure it out, we all do. It just takes some of us a little longer than others.

I'm a little rushed and don't have time to proofread. I hope this makes sense.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:40pm
Hiya Mo,

I'm 9mos post-EMA and like you sometimes the odd trigger still pops up. It's the frequency & intensity which has lessened dramatically. Along with that and just as you've demonstrated here, I now have the ability to simply acknowledge that it's a trigger, identify it as such, and refuse to act upon it.

Just like you, my DH knows all about my EMA (we separated prior to my EMA). My 22mos old DD was fathered by my exOM although he chooses to have no contact with her whatsoever.

ExOM's b-day was fairly recent and I spent a medium-sized agonising moment wondering if I should send him a card from DD along with a picture of her. I pondered the possible consequences for making any kind of contact whatsoever and decided that if he wanted a picture of DD he could certainly ask my DH for one.

I was reminded of the saying that "Something unhealthy in me was attracted to something unhealthy in someone else." That's not love, that's feeding the animals. And worse still, it's feeding the animals with food from my husband's table!

The moment passed, Mo, and I was relieved & proud of myself for not acting upon it. You will be, too.

My best suggestion is to find something new to occupy your time right now when the season seems to be your trigger. The new activity will keep you busy & will eventually replace the trigger memories as what you remember about the autumn/fall season.

Most of all, remember that you have a choice about whether or not to contact him or reply to his text message. Spend a moment picturing what it would be like trying to explain why you felt the need to contact exOM and the look on DH's face as you did so. Ponder all the possible consequences of re-establishing contact.

You are nowhere near square one, honey, you've come a hell of a long way and you'll get through this. You know where we are when you need us.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie