Taking NC to a whole new level!
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Taking NC to a whole new level!
| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:38am |
Hello all! Well, I've been beating myself up about those darned text messages from XMM, which I feel like I NEED to do, because I need to get it thru my head that NC means no contact at ALL! So, I'm going to figure out how to either block XMM's number from my cell phone or turn off the text messaging function entirely. The only other person who sends me TMs is my DH, and I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with this, especially if he knew WHY I was taking this step.
I'm really, really ready to get XMM completely out of my life, once and for all. It's amazing to me that even though I haven't seen him or heard his voice in 9 months, I could still get so crazy over him. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get him off my mind, because I've got nothing to gain and everything to lose.
Yeah, Dipss, I'm with you on that naked skydiving thing. I need to disassociate XMM and the A with that wild, bad-girl thing I had going and take pride in my new life as a woman of dignity (that what my sponsor calls living in a monogamous relationship anyway). Anyhows, I just wanted to post an update that I'm more determined than ever to get this man off my mind. Love, Mo.


Listen up, I am about to admit something I am not very proud of. I never admitted it here before because I am embarrassed about how psycho I was. But, here goes: Long ago, while we were still in the A, my XMM gave me his email password. After we broke up, he never changed it. So for several months after the end of the A, I could not resist the pull of the temptation to read his email to see what he was up to. There was never anything earth-shattering about it, it was a secondary email account so there was never even that much mail there; but it gave me a small glimpse into his life every once in awhile, and I could not let go! I hated myself for doing it, but the temptation was too strong, knowing I had that password. Meanwhile, I was congratulating myself for keeping up the NC, but here I was not letting him out of my life completely. No wonder I wasn't getting over him!
So I took drastic measures. I created an hotmail account with a bogus company-sounding name. And I started sending him messages that said: "Reminder: It is Time to Change Your Hotmail Password." I did this twice. The second time I sent it -- he changed his email password the same afternoon! So, finally I lost access to his account for good. And I REJOICED! I mean, I jumped up and down and shouted for joy. Free at last! It was at that moment that I FINALLY started to let go for good!!
I'm admitting this here because I really think once you make communication impossible with the XMM you will have a similar experience. But it is hard for me to tell you this. I'm truly ashamed at the person I became; that I'd sunk so low as to read another person's email (not to mention commit adultery)... That's so not me. The shame of this whole experience will stick with me for the rest of my life, I believe. :-(
I'm not willing to take any more chances. I adore my DH, the rebuilding is awesome - not to mention nothing short of a miracle - and I will not allow myself to cheat DH from one ounce of my emotions because I've got a tiny corner of my brain/heart busy thinking about TMs from XMM, whether I responded to them or not. I truly mean this. It's a whole new level of surrender for me. I've been believing that as long as I don't initiate the contact, or respond to his attempts to contact me, it's all cool. Not cool. I need to protect me from me!!! Thanks for your insight on this, Katie! Love, Mo.
Good luck, Mo; you are so determined and you are so on the right path, there is no way you will fail!