Talk about Karma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Talk about Karma
18
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 8:56am
I just needed a place to vent today. I'm feeling especially angry, and I thought writing here would help diffuse the rage a little bit. It's been a couple of months since I "officially" broke things off with my MM. In a nut shell we were both married when we started this A, and I've stepped up and ended my horrible marriage, but he didn't. And to add insult to injury, he managed to get his wife pregnant after 18 years of unprotected sex with no consequences.

Of course, he fed me the line he wasn't sure it was his because she was away for 3 months and after a couple of weeks being back (and after he supposedly told her he wanted a divorce) she comes in with a pregnancy test with the famous double line result. And being the blind naive idiot I was, I believed what he said because I wanted to hear him say it. After promising me that he was going to leave after she had the baby, I even went as far to believe that they took up sepparate rooms in their home. Why would he lie, right? Anyway, I was in a position to verify that with his W. But, because of the trust I put in this man, I believed him and felt comfortable that I was the only one he was being intimate with. My twisted logic even went as far as thinking that, "Hey, the lady's pregnant! He wouldn't do it with a pregnant woman!" (I've never had children, so I didn't think you were still allowed to carry on physically when you were pregnant. What did I know?)

Anyway, I carried on with him and the affair 4 months more after she told him she was pregnant. All this time, I had a funny feeling he was not being totally honest with me, but I trusted him, and I wanted to believe this swiss cheese story he was giving me. Today, I got a message on my new cell phone number. It was from his W. She found his stash of "secret relationship stuff". Letters, pictures, movie stubs, etc. I returned every letter and card he ever gave me. I suppose he kept them. She was laughing on my voicemail, quoting some of the things he wrote to me. Apparently, it's not enough that she managed to hold onto her man. She needed to twist that knife in my gut a little bit more. I was a stupid, silly, naive, and blind little slut, she said. Did I really believe he was sleeping in another room this whole time? As a matter of fact, they even purchased a new mattress after she told him she was pregnant, and they had a hell of a time "breaking it in". And just so I know, the only reason she plans on staying wed to him besides all the money he makes (she doesn't work), is because he is so good in bed. And he even proved JUST how great he really is as she rattled off in full, graphic detail all the things he's been doing to her in her pregnant state.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, after having three wonderful weeks not thinking much at all about him. I listened to this message as I had just gotten to work. I sat here with a stunned silence on my face, as my stomach flipped. My coworker looked at me, asking me if I was going to be sick. I think I might have dropped the phone, I don't remember. For about ten minutes, I just sat here feeling like the biggest idiot in the world.

I know it's a taste of my own bitter medicine when you think about it. My MM "cheating" on me with his W. LOL!! It even sounds ridiculous to write about. I was just saying to myself, "Oh, so THIS is how it feels?" I feel like a complete and total idiot. I want to put my fist through anything, pretending it's his smug and arrogant face. I want to kick something in, while pretending it's his W! I want to bang my head up against a brick wall just so I don't forget the stupid, moronic mistakes I managed to make in the past year.

But most of all, I want to go home, crawl under my covers, and cry my eyes out. I really loved him, and I really trusted him. It sucks to be hurt and betrayed. Like I said, talk about bad karma. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm going down to get a box of Godiva. Perhaps chocolate is a better alternative to violence. =(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:12am
Hi Kat!!! I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how much you are hurting But keep posting. It has been a great help to me just knowing that I'm not alone in the hurt and anger, etc. I know that your days will be brighter very soon but cry and rant if you need to that only helps in the healing!!

Take care of yourself,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:49am
What a b**ch she is. You must be feeling awful listening to that. All I can say is you are lucky to be rid of him and she still gets to wonder constantly if he is cheating on her. What a prize she has!! LOL!! Wait till they have a chld. Children really put stress on a marriage. I am not going to sit here and say that you deserved every mean word she said, because you don't. In this situation two people are at fault, and one of them is her H. A lot of the venom she has should be spent on him. What a crass, disgusting way of getting back at you. Hold your head high with dignity. You ended the affair. It is over and you can start fresh. She however will ALWAYS BE WONDERING WHERE HER H IS, and I bet he cheats again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:58am
Thanks, Karry!

I know in these situations, nothing anyone says really makes it all better. But, I can tell you that it does help to let it all out somewhere "safe". I don't know how many times, I wish I had someone I could just call to vent, but I know the most common response will be, "What goes around comes around...etc...".

Isn't it funny how sometimes your best friends turn out to be your worst enemies? But thanks again for the encouraging words. I'm feeling a lot better. (And the chocolate helps, too.) Thank God for chocolate...and the nice, supportive people on the boards. =)

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:08am
I know what you're saying is true, ibforgiven. And right now, I'm trying my hardest to take the "high" road on this one, even though I've been rolling around in the mud with that loser for a whole year. The only thing holding me back is the fact that she's about 6 months pregnant. I'm afraid I'd get her so upset something might happen to their child. And although I'm very much resentful of the situation, I think we'd all agree that the baby didn't do anything. So, I'm sitting here, clenching my fists in pent up frustration because I refuse to call the a$$h*** to "tattle-tale" on his W. That would only open up the lines of communication again. And I refuse to go into the nitty-gritty about why he lied to me. It hurts enough knowing that he did it, but I will NOT sit here and hear him make up more lies to cover himself. I think I deserve way better than that...any woman deserves way better than that.

You're right. She's left with her "prize". Let her go to bed at night wondering if he's been with someone else. Let her break in her new mattress wondering how many other matttresses he's been breaking in. She ended up winning him out of fear and out of obligation. When I decide to be with my next partner, I'm going to make sure that he's going to be with me out of love. And I shouldn't have to share him with anyone. We all deserve 100%, not 50 or 75 or even 95%.

Thanks again for your post! I'm feeling much better now.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:38am
Wow Kat ~ the one thing that keeps rushing into my head is the future of this poor little baby about to be born. What a wonderful mother to have who is staying with this baby's father because of his money and their sex. What a horrible example to be raised in! And to think this man told you he doesn't even think the child is his!

Okay, it was really naive to believe that man's lies. But let them be his lies because after all, they are! And he had to LIVE WITH HIMSELF for telling them. You are not stupid for believing in what someone tells you because a person is only as good as their word. Don't let his stupid behavior affect who you are. Just let yourself learn from it. Men who say all sorts of things without backing any of it with action are cowards full of hot air. They don't know how to communicate their personal problems with their wives so they use someone else. It all comes down to not knowing himself. So what if they broke in a mattress and had such fabulous sex! I'll bet it won't be so fabulous now that she knows what he's been up to! And I have got to say this...considering all that has been happening in the news with Laci Peterson and what happened to her, I wouldn't be on the phone and saying all those wicked things to you if I was in your MM's W's shoes. I'd be looking for a place of my own. If she thinks his money and their sex is going to keep their marriage together, she has a rude awakening ahead of her. When a man proves he cannot be trusted with fidelity, what else can he be trusted with? Telling his W he loves her? Sure! He doesn't have a clue what love really is. And I would refuse to continue to live with someone that I didn't trust no matter how much money he made. She's a fool and he will cheat on her again. You can pretty much bank on it.

God speed hun ~ use the chocolate if it helps and if this MM ever tried to contact me again, I'd tell him to grow up and be a man, now that he is ready to be a father.

GT ps - oh and one last thing - I find it interesting that she called you a slut and then proceeded to get graphic about her own sexual behavior. Sounds to me like she is the pot calling the kettle black.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:06am
Hi Kat, This whole scenario reeks of B.S.! I couldn't help but wonder why his wife would hide behind a message, search his stuff, and then have the need to tell you all the details of their sex life! There's something rotten in Denmark here! I seriously doubt that most of what she said is true! The minute I started reading your post I felt like she was lying about everything! I know this will go against the grain of most of the advice here but, if it were me I would be sorely tempted to call him and play him the message she left you and tell him to keep her away from you and to stay away himself! She's got some serious issues going on! I too believe in Karma and this woman will have some coming her way!

I do hope you're feeling better! I'm sure this was a terrible way to start your day! Make it a better one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:37am
Hi Just1kat,

I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you are going thru...especially after 3 weeks of living YOUR life. However, it was nice to read that you had "three wonderful weeks not thinking much at all about him". Eventhough affairs are wrong, you do not deserve to have been put thru that. She needs to take all that negative energy she had and direct it at her so called man.

Keep up the no contact and don't be sad that he lied to you but I think it's okay to be mad (makes me really think that what everyone says is true....if these guys are willing to lie to their wives, what makes us think that they are so loyal to us). If anything I would feel sorry for his wife, future child and him...talk about a sad life.

Good luck and concentrate on having a wonderful next 3 weeks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:15pm
Kat,

I don't post much anymore, but your situation screamed in my face. Just remember this, hun...Karma. What she did to you was so totally wrong, she will get hers too. What amazes me about most BS's is that, somehow, they feel in the middle of their immense pain that striking out at the OW is going to make them feel better. What other situation in life is anyone ever justified (legally or morally) in bashing the crap out of someone because they need to feel vindicated and better about themselves. And, they talk about our moral character, jeezzzzzz. When life hands you a cheating husband, or any other bad situation for that matter, how can someone ever expect to spiritually advance and find peace by whipping the $h!+ out of another person (even if the object of your anger is an OW). The W of your MM didn't seem to ask herself, "How much of my anger is appropriate to hurl?" Were the harsh words enough to make her feel better? Or, was she feeling so angry that she can justify taking a gun and blowing your head off? Oh, I forgot, one action is illegal and keeps her 'in check' and the phone call isn't. Kat, the Karma train already came around to her for doing what she did. She is obviously in turmoil inside. Keep repeating to yourself...this is not my problem...this is her problem. She just briefly imposed her bad day and anger on you. She was still stuck with those problems when she hung up the phone. A marriage certificate isn't the same as possessing the title for 5 acres of property. The W just hasn't figured that out yet...Karma.

As for believing your MM, DO NOT beat yourself up about that for one more minute. You are not stupid, and neither am I, and neither are the zillions of others on this board. I believed my MM soooo much. He got a lifetime of "benefit of the doubt" and understanding. I believed in the goodness and truth in people. Is it naive? Not in my opinion. It is pure. It is childlike. It is loving, hoping, and dreaming. Those are all good qualities in a person. I never lied to my MM. I'm pretty sure he lied plenty to me and his wife. Again, "Other People's Problems". He lives with his lies. I never lied to him = I respected someone and thought they would return the deed. He lied = He took advantage of someone's love for his own purpose. Yucky way to be, IMHO. If you look at the equation that way, it doesn't ever come out to I believed = I'm stupid.

Hugs again and remember, "Chocolate heals all."

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:43pm
I already got into a row with this woman before she was even positive that it was me running around with her husband. It got so bad, I had the police knock on her door as a friendly little reminder that it is illegal to harrass people no matter what they did to you. I've been turning the other cheek so much that I've got no face left!

My guilty conscience sometimes quells my temper by reminding me that I wronged her first for taking her man. The first time he told me he wanted to work things out with her, I went to her and told her the things she needed to do to make her marriage work out a little bit better. (It's a long story, but I was in a position to talk to her about it at the time without any problems.) Anyway, she didn't do it. As a matter of fact, she took the behavior she was doing in the first place to drive him to me, and made it ten times worse. And before I knew it, he was running back to me more determined than ever to leave her....or so I thought.

Like I've said in other posts, I've always held in HIM in high regard because we trusted one another. I broke things off with him because he could not live up to his promises. This was the first real slap in the face I've gotten on account of him lying to me. It sucks....But it's a taste of what she must have felt when she found out, I suppose.

The only real difference is that I took myself out of their picture. She can't seem to let go. I think she lashes out at me because she's afraid that if she goes at it with him, then he will get up and walk out or find someone else.

Who knows? Like everyone says, "It's not my problem." And that makes me feel a little better! =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: just1kat
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 1:01pm
Hi, sweeterblond! I thought about what you said; about her message being all BS. As much as I want to think that way, she said some things...certain details....that could only have come about AFTER he told me that he was no longer intimate with her. And I've heard her lie before. There's a desperation in her voice trying to make you believe her. However, this time, I heard something different; a casual arrogance, knowing that she was hitting a very raw nerve because it was true.

I've gone to him in the past when she first started bothering me. He didn't do anything about it. I eventually went to the police, and she stopped for a while. However, I just got my little retaliation. This woman is supposed to be a Christian. I left her this message:

"How nice that you're having healthy relations with your husband in your current state of pregnancy. However, do you think that your Reverand would approve of such graphic language or the fact that you are taking what you do in sanctity of your bedroom and sharing it with the world? I wonder if I should leave him your message on his answering machine. Maybe some Christian intervention might help you sort out your anger. Perhaps your church community might like to know what's going on with you so they can pull together and help you through this troubling time in your life. Remember, help is always available to those who ask for it...Peace."

It's one of those things that I'm so nauseatingly polite that if I had gotten a message like that when I was shaking mad, I just might go over the edge. Hopefully, that will put her in her place. I know the high road would have been to do nothing, but you know what? I think I'm getting an ulcer! (And I don't think the chocolate has anything to do with it.) Thanks for your post. I found it very helpful!

Hugs!! Kat (=';'=)

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