the talk of the neighbourhood

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
the talk of the neighbourhood
11
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 9:26pm
Well its been over for awhile, but like the saying goes, what goes around comes around. My XOM and I are still friends but we dont see each other, its been a few months and i am just starting to feel happy again. My H and I are working on things and opening up and feeling better everyday. Yesterday i found out what a small world it is...that although XOM is an hour away and knows no one in my town, some how the word has reached our little hamlet and I am talk of our street..( which includes family members) I feel like i have been chopped at the knees, and the anger i have felt inside towards myself was diminishing has come back like wildfire...I know I shouldn't care what others think but its hard to just say "who cares" and mean it...I have admitted my mistakes and taken responsiblity for my actions to my H . I guess i feel bad for embarrassing him, when what i really want is for him to be proud to have me as his wife...I guess i need some advice on how to get over the past once and for all and hold my head high, knowing i have a man who loves me and that should be enough...thanks for your time..Jb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:12pm
Hi Girl! Boy am I sorry to hear this! I'm glad your husband already knows! I know how hard you've tried! So, my suggestion is this, walk thru your little town with your head held as high as possible and greet everyone with a smile that goes from your lips to your eyes! Do not wear that perverbial scarlet letter! The talk will stop quickly! If you hang your head it will keep it going! Go home,love and cherish your husband! I think I know you well enough to know you own some sass!!! Use it to turn this around! How long is it going to take you? 1 minute? I hour or one year? I have a good idea and it's none of the above! Snow has something to do with peoples gossip! Melt it! I know you can and will!

You know where to find me! Burn down the town girl! Start new gossip about how amazing you are!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:48am
Hi Jbongay,

I'm so sorry to hear that all this has somehow spread through town. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you... thank goodness your H already knew and didn't find out through gossip!

I am constantly shocked at the glee some people take at the expense of others... gossip has been a huge thing for me lately because my XMM and his new gf (and his W and her H) have been a "hot topic" in my small town and there are no more secrets about them (and I am so glad, honestly, that it hasn't been about me - especially because my H does NOT know!). Hold your head up high - what is between you and your H is just that - private. No one can know what is really going on in your home, in your heart... And soon they will find something else to carry on about, if you don't give them the satisfaction of a response.

One major good thing to come from all of this, for me, has been more awareness of my judgments of others, and I am trying hard to NOT judge anyone because I have not walked in their shoes... I am also able to see even more clearly how idle words can wound. I don't take joy in anyone else's pain, and that is what gossip is about... recognize it as a weakness in the others, and ignore it as much as possible - you have learned through a painful experience to rise above it... don't let them drag you down again.

Hugs, and remember that this WILL pass...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:29am
jbongay, I am going through the exact same thing right now. Glinda is right, this too shall pass. Hang tight.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 12:40pm
JB - I know how terribly hard this must be for you. I sincerely hope you will not take this as some sort of payback for your actions. So I thought about what I could say to you to help and Glinda really hit the nail on the head. You had an A that your DH knows about. You two have and are working through it. Remember that gossip is in fact an evil thing because it causes pain as Glinda mentioned. It is not of God and those who get caught up in it are definitely doing the wrong thing. It is the enemy's way of trying to continue to destroy your marriage. So to battle it is to choose not to participate in any of it, realizing that your marriage is no one else's business, not even family members. I know the family issue is a toughy, but you can get through it with a hard stance. Just keep this in the back of your mind - those out there choosing to gossip may be getting some sick satisfaction from it and think they have created or prolonged a battle, but you dear lady have already won the war!

Hang tough and big hugs to you.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:03pm
Blonde dear..your message put a smile on my face and I so thankyou for that....and as for the Sass..your right I gotta bunch i just have to get over the huge lump of crow in my throat before i can move on...Another thing about it is...I think i told you this...I moved away from my family and now I know what it feels like to be alone in a crowd. The family i referred to is all my H's side and its just not the same. Another kicker to the whole story...All of this new information seems to make a recent event make a little more sense , even though it still sucks...seems my brother in law knows about this info so he took it upon himself to make a pass at me....i guess he figured I was THAT kind of girl..grrrrrrrrr.....I nipped that one in the bud ..and i can safely say he Wont try that again...Thanks again Blonde for the pep talk...your the best..love Jb
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:13pm
Thankyou for your reply, and I am glad that my H knew already BUT and heres the thing , he doesn't know EVERYTHING....I did contact XOM and told him whats going on...he suggested making up some story that he(XOM) is full of crap and its all a lie..but I am not going to go down the lieing road again....its not worth it..I have learned alot from all of this that is so true and it all wasnt bad...actually i feel like a more complete person or at least i have grown up ALOT..thankyou again for your supportive words and I know it will pass..and time will help...thanks again Jb
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:22pm
You know i just said to someone moments ago that I realize now what the phrase "alone in a crowd " really feels like...but the supportive words of you ladies have really helped. I have always felt that i was a strong person, and this is my chance to prove it to myself....not to give my power away to people who dont care about me. Now if my H wasnt behind me that would be another story...but he is the one telling me to just go on with our life...I gotta buck up and not waste time wallowing....but just like i am sure you all know..good days and bad days...thankyou again for your supportive words..luv Jb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 9:09am
You and your husband need to have a clear understanding as to how the in-law situation will be dealt with. Yes, you should hold your head up and refuse to respond to any comments made by others in the community, but if backed into a corner don't panic, simply deny the affair and resolve to be more composed next time. The family situation could get awkward though, especially if you have to spend time with your in-laws at family gatherings. Your husband may feel torn between defending you and accepting his family's sympathy toward him as a "wronged" man. For now I suggest you NOT accompany your husband when he visits his family, until you see where your his loyalty lies.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 1:21pm
I have to respectfully disagree here with the idea of her staying away from any family events. They don't need separation of ANY KIND. It is far better for them to have a UNITED foundation for everyone of his side of the family to see. Although I do agree there should be plenty of conversation as to how to handle the subject should it come up. I understand his family wanting to express sympathy, but at the same time I would imagine they are sensible and reasonable people. If so, then they should know it takes two to make a marriage work and anything they say that would put a negative on his W is also hurting him. They would be better served to address with him, his part and what he could change in order to make their marriage relationship a better one so this will not ever happen again. Maybe wishful thinking for some, but I call it being smart.

How JB's DH handles anything that comes up is of utmost importance. And a comment such as, "hey I haven't been a perfect angel in the marriage either" would put a stop to future comments or problems. His job is to support her if they are going to make their marriage work, not remain in self pity.

JMHO

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 2:51pm
I agree with you GT,

I think that staying away from family events sends a VERY wrong message - to the inlaws but more importantly to her H!

Whether H chooses to defend her, to say that he wasn't an angel either OR (another option) - if THEY choose to respectfully refuse to discuss their intimate issues with extended family other than to say "we are working on it and love each other"... the presentation of a united front is the most important thing of all. Well said...

Glinda

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