Talked with OM! Ugh!
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 4:41pm |
After I found out that I wasn't the only MW XOM had been 'involved' with I decided on complete NC. He sent me i.m's and text messages and I didn't respond.
All was going well, H and I are getting on great and I barely thought about XOM at all.
Then he called me and asked why I had told him we could still be friends only to ignore him. I told him that he was never my friend and that if he was he would never have entered into an A with me whilst I was still in a M and emotionally in pieces.
He was stunned and said that he had ALWAYS been my friend and would never had touched me if he had thought that it was something that I didn't want. He said that had walked into this with his eyes open. He knew I was unavailable. He was friends with my husband and he knew that the chances of me walking out on my marriage were small. He knew that it was wrong and he was worried that by continuing he was potentially putting my employment and relationship on the line. He knew what he was getting into and he presumed that I did too.
I asked why me? Why not seek out a single woman and he said that he had always had feelings for me which he had supressed when I became involved with H. he had been content with being my friend for years but when I started flirting with him, it was an offer that he couldn't refuse and one that he never thought would come along.
He says that his friendship with me had always been more important to him. He could see that I was having M problems and he wanted to be there for me. Somewhere in this situation the line between friendship and lover became blurred and he felt that we had confsed friendship for feelings of love. He could see that what i needed was a best friend and in trying to provide that for me he ended up giving more than he should and promising things that he could never commit himself to.
I asked him about that stupid song he had sent me and told him that it had confused me and that I couldn't understand what it had meant. He said that he sent it to me because it had reminded him of our situation and that to him it plainly said that he was glad to be going back to friends, going back to the start and beginning again. It wasn't intended to upset me and he was deeply sorry that it had. He also said that he did truly love me but not in the way that I may think. He said I am the best friend he has ever had and that is why he loves me.
He said that he only wants to see me happy and he knows that It will not be with him.
He said the thought of us not being friends hurts him and that he will do anything for that not to happen.
He told me that he cares about me and so he will not contact me again until I'm ready to put this behind me and continue being friends.
" If it takes a month, fine. If it takes ten years then i'll understand and i'll be here for you as your friend when your ready to trust me again."
Am I mad for thinking he may be truthful about this?
At least it will make NC easier!
I'm sorry this was such a long post. It just helped to write down what he said and I would be grateful for anyones opinion.
thanks m x

Yes. Especially when you know he's flat-out lied to you about umpteen other things.
What do you want out of this, Wheres? A friendship that's insulting to your husband and enormously disrespectful to you? I'd rather someone/OM punched my husband in the nose rather than sleaze around DH pretending to be his friend and mine.
Despite telling you everything you wanted to hear, Wheres, it really doesn't look like such a bargain from here.
If you wish to maintain the emotional aspect of your affair, then that is very much your own choice, just don't kid yourself it's anything less than just that.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
MY MY what a skilled liar and manipulator this boy really is.
He said he was your husbands FRIEND, I got a news flash for him , your don't screw the wives of your friends, that is someting an enemy will do but a friend will not.
You don,t take advantage of emotionally distrought wives of your friends or your friends.
He did say one truthful thing HE ENTRED THE AFFAIR WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN, in short he knew what he was doing and it was not being there for you or a friend to you or your husband, he was using and abusing you both to satisfy himself.
Wheres this guy is clearly very practiced at this sort of thing, I believe your XBF when he said that XOM has done this before, I am willing to bet your know were near his first married woman.
If you believe this line of B/S your either mad or willfully blind to the truth.
JMHO
Free
It's good to know that he's not going to be calling me/texting/e-mailing. Because it does make it harder to move on with things while he's still lurking in the shadows.
He can't prove what his intentions are/were and I'm not in a place where I can or want to believe him right now.
And so, the rocky road of NC starts.
I will miss him, I know that. But not as much as I miss looking my H in the eye in the knowledge that I am doing the very best I can for him and my family.
Although Our A was only 3/4 months long, XOM has been a large part of my life for a very long time. Feels like I'm cutting off part of myself. Not a big part,( maybe my big toe) so Tackling that part of things will be hard.
Wish me luck!
m x.
You know beyond all shadow of a doubt that this man is full of U.S. Grade A Prime Choice Cackapookie, Wheres. Whether it's what you want to believe is a completely different matter entirely.
As far as taking up on his offer of not contacting one another until you feel like you can trust him again? Well, gee, isn't that nice of him? How noble to ALLOW you to be free of him... Anyway, what's the statute of limitations on a lie? On a whole series of lies? When do you imagine it will be "safe" to begin trusting a liar again?
You've had the choice all along not to accept his calls/texts/emails and you chose not to exercise that choice. You say he's still lurking in the shadows, well, that's what scum does, isn't it? Avoiding light and the truth that light brings is second nature to pond life. YOU have choice, Wheres - you really honestly truly do have a say in your own life.
The man that shows interest in a married woman offers her the highest possible insult. It means he genuinely believes she is either easy with her favours or she's a fool - and sometimes both. I know for certain I was a foolish ho, but hey that's just me.
That he continues to pretend friendship with your husband is every bit as insulting and disrespectful. And you are allowing it to go unchallenged.
You call it the "rocky road of NC." It's truly only as rocky as YOU *choose* to make it.
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Something unhealthy in you is attracted to something unhealthy in him.
To use your own "big toe" analogy, if your big toe was stuck inextricably under a rock and you were utterly unable to continue your life without cutting it off, what would you do? Stick around for weeks or months or years with your toe stuck under the rock without being able to go anywhere or do anything until it simply went gangrenous and eventually just fell off of it's own accord? Or would you cut it off, acknowledge the pain and missing one's toe, and begin to get on with the business of your life having learned the lesson that sticking one's toe under very big rocks is not all that swift an idea?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie