talking to myself
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| Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:21pm |
Wavy day. I keep doing everything I can to turn my thoughts around.
He doesn't want me.
I don't want HIM.
He doesn't need me.
I don't need HIM.
He's just fine over there in his office, working away. He doesn't even miss me.
I'm OK here in my office. I have a future now. And he does miss me.
He didn't leave his W because he didn't really want to be with me.
Who cares why he is still with her. His loss.
I'll be alone forever.
No, I won't. I have some healing to do, then the universe will send a wonderful, nice man my way.
Arrrrgh. You get the picture. I know exactly what triggers days like this - when things come up that I wanted XAP to help me with. When I start thinking about the relationship and the life I wanted with him. Stupid letter in the mail reminding me it's time for my mammo. Just another thing that I did alone last year, and hoped it would be different THIS year. Silly me. Snap out of it. I can actually HAVE the relationship I wanted. I'm on my way TO it finally! Breathe.
Bodhi

Dear Bodhi,
Wavy day indeed sister!
And as it always seems your words capture some of my thoughts.
Feeling so confident earlier this morning. Then out of the blue, sadness, missing, and just about every question I thought I had spent days answering with strong conviction. Mind wondered, no work could be done, tears flowed...
Then, a peaceful lunch under a tree. I started to read "The miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh (and thought of you). A book I got at a yard sale just a week before my A ended. I also got a beautiful book for her at that same yard sale, and gave it to her the last time I saw her (wow 7 weeks tomorrow). It was a book from 1960, and was a work of art on beautiful paper. As I tried to get into reading, all I could think was "what did she do with the book, did she burn it? Did it end up in the trash?" And I realized, she did what she needed to do to heal, and I have no say...but I have my book.
And I started to read....and the words told me to focus on Breath...MY breath. And I did, and I calmed. And I found my focus again. And now as I write this a song by Xavier Rudd came on called Breeze just came on. It talks about inhaling and exhaling. WOW.
Way to flip it around. Each and every time. You will never be alone, because you are getting yourself back.
Wishing you the best ride on the Waves as possible. And most of all peace...thinking of you and sending good vibes
Foggy
bodhi, the problem is that you are valuing your self-worth based on what he thinks about you. You have depended on how he treats you to value yourself for too long (7 yrs, I think???). It's now time to start depending on Bodhi to depend on herself for how she feels about herself. You have hid out in that A too long, now get out and live and Mr. Wonderful will see your confidence and self love and be drawn to you.
Here is a really good article on self worth. http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/h51worth.htm
Start from within. Ignore any and all destructive criticism or insults, including any from your past; your opinion of yourself is the most important opinion of all, because you know yourself better than anyone else. Many of us have been hurt by others at some time. It is crucial NOT to internalize that abuse and let them continue to hurt us, because that is, in fact, letting them win. But if we let go of the past and ignore hurtful negativity, and make ourselves happy, then we win.
Tell yourself that you are a wonderful person who DESERVES to be happy. And believe it. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. And if you've made mistakes that prevent you from believing that you deserve to be happy, take measures to relieve that guilt: apologize to people you may have hurt, learn from those mistakes, and most importantly, forgive yourself.
Don't always try to please others. It is great to be considerate of others, but think before sacrificing your own needs to please them. It's completely rational to want to help a loved one or a friend, since that person contributes something to your life. But bending over backwards for strangers, mere acquaintances, or people you don't trust may leave you with the short end of the stick. In short, don't allow yourself to be used.
Learn to appreciate yourself. Everyone has strengths, weaknesses, habits, and principles that define who you are and can make you distinctive. Spend more time focusing on the qualities about yourself that you like and less on the ones that you dislike. You can better accomplish this by taking up hobbies and projects that you can do that will make use of your strengths. Additionally, by starting on some projects that emphasize your good traits, it will keep you busy so you will end up spending less time thinking about your weaknesses.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Thanks Foggy :)
I felt so confident this morning too. You are doing the right thing, sitting under your tree, peacefully reading Thich Nhat Hanh - he is amazing. I'm glad you are reading him. "True Love" and "Being Peace" are two of my favorites. You should check those out too. When all else fails, stop, breathe, ride the wave. Sending you and everyone here good vibes back.
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I love that - thank you :)
Bodhi
Mom -
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You are SO very right. And yes, for 7.5 long years, my self worth has hung in the balance of what he thinks of me. And I tried like hell to be perfect for him. And the sad thing is, I know deep down I am a pretty wonderful person. He beat me down over and over for so long it's hard to remember that. I DO still care what he thinks - that is my struggle. I HAVE to get past that. People pleasing - yep. I'm going to print your response and read it over and over. Thanks so much.
Bodhi
Calmer day today - I've said this before, this board is amazing. I don't know what I would do without everyone.
Mom - I tried to email you to thank you, it bounced back. Please email me if you can. :)
Luvin - you are wonderful.
Foggy - your male POV is always so good here.
For anyone struggling at the beginning, hold tight, get through the moment. You'll see the difference just one day will make.
Bodhi
Hey bodhi, so glad you are better. I don't know what happened to my email account. I had to close a lot of them when I started to be stalked by my XAP (ugh). My dumb arse had to go out and have an A. Anyway, I can email you.
Keep reading and post when you have off days. We all have them. As long as you don't pedal back to that dumb MM.
Hi Bo,
That reminds me of Bo Derek .... aka
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,