The Tears Keep Coming And ...
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|Fri, 05-02-2003 - 8:51pm|
And he engaged in all of his usual romantic trickery, and I got swept away by it for a few days. And I believed again. Believed that we might actually be together, believed that he would leave his wife, believed that we would marry and live happily ever after. But I know in my heart it will never happen -- I feel it in my gut. I know it can't happen because he's married, and it doesn't matter how much he loves me, how much he claims to want to be with me, because as I write this he is with his wife somewhere, not with me. And if he really loved me he would be with me, wouldn't he? Every day he stays with her he is choosing her. He is voting with his feet. He is saying with his entire body: this is my wife, this is who I go home to at night.
And I deserve better. I deserve a man who is true to his word. I am a good woman, and I deserve a good man. I deserve a man who wants to come home to me every night.
I really loved -- I love this man -- I love him so much. I wanted to believe that his love for me was strong enough to bring him to me. But it hasn't so far, and the chances of it doing so in the future are pretty damn slim. And even if he came, would I want him at this point? After the last 15 months of his indecision why would I want him? Why would I want a man who says he is hopelessly in love with me but who can't bring himself to divorce his wife?
So I slammed the door. I called him at work and left three messages on his voice mail. The first two were very angry. I basically told him that I wouldn't want him if he got divorced twenty times because he's a liar and a cheat, because he's a coward and a weakling and because he has mistreated me, and I don't deserve to be mistreated. I like myself, and I want to be with someone who likes himself and who will treat me well. I don't think this man likes himself very much.
And from now on I simply won't allow it, maltreatment that is. I feel sorry for this man's wife. I feel sorry for him. But I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, I won't feel sorry for myself because even though it will hurt to go on without him, at least I know that I have a chance at a better life now, with a real man and an honest man.
And I won't be sitting around hoping and waiting that maybe someday he'll get balls, maybe someday he'll be strong enough, maybe someday she will die, because someday is a dream.
WE HAVE TO LIVE TODAY, AND THOSE WHO LOVE US ARE IN OUR LIVES TODAY. Not promising to be something in the future.