The Tears Keep Coming And ...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The Tears Keep Coming And ...
14
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 8:51pm
I wish there were an emoticon for despair because that's the one I would use tonight. I think I closed the door for good tonight. I have always been reluctant to do that completely. I've always left a little openinig. Some of you, especially Crystal if I recall, advised me to just cut him loose when he came back a week ago. I did not. I was weak, and I wanted to keep talking to him.

And he engaged in all of his usual romantic trickery, and I got swept away by it for a few days. And I believed again. Believed that we might actually be together, believed that he would leave his wife, believed that we would marry and live happily ever after. But I know in my heart it will never happen -- I feel it in my gut. I know it can't happen because he's married, and it doesn't matter how much he loves me, how much he claims to want to be with me, because as I write this he is with his wife somewhere, not with me. And if he really loved me he would be with me, wouldn't he? Every day he stays with her he is choosing her. He is voting with his feet. He is saying with his entire body: this is my wife, this is who I go home to at night.

And I deserve better. I deserve a man who is true to his word. I am a good woman, and I deserve a good man. I deserve a man who wants to come home to me every night.

I really loved -- I love this man -- I love him so much. I wanted to believe that his love for me was strong enough to bring him to me. But it hasn't so far, and the chances of it doing so in the future are pretty damn slim. And even if he came, would I want him at this point? After the last 15 months of his indecision why would I want him? Why would I want a man who says he is hopelessly in love with me but who can't bring himself to divorce his wife?

So I slammed the door. I called him at work and left three messages on his voice mail. The first two were very angry. I basically told him that I wouldn't want him if he got divorced twenty times because he's a liar and a cheat, because he's a coward and a weakling and because he has mistreated me, and I don't deserve to be mistreated. I like myself, and I want to be with someone who likes himself and who will treat me well. I don't think this man likes himself very much.

And from now on I simply won't allow it, maltreatment that is. I feel sorry for this man's wife. I feel sorry for him. But I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, I won't feel sorry for myself because even though it will hurt to go on without him, at least I know that I have a chance at a better life now, with a real man and an honest man.

And I won't be sitting around hoping and waiting that maybe someday he'll get balls, maybe someday he'll be strong enough, maybe someday she will die, because someday is a dream.

WE HAVE TO LIVE TODAY, AND THOSE WHO LOVE US ARE IN OUR LIVES TODAY. Not promising to be something in the future.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:08pm
Its OK to cry but don't leave msgs on his vm just because you want him in your life. I don't think he OWES you anything delightful even if you have been good and trusting him all the 15 months as you said in your post. He choose his wife over you and you have to come to grips with that although it might not be what you like.

As for you deserving better, you DEFINTELY deserve better - life WITHOUT HIM. He cannot give you what you want love and trust, he was there for the fun while it lasted, that's all. You may think you need a honest man and real man, but its not going to happen with this MM/OM of yours. Heck, I haven't seen a "real/honest" for a long time, if you have seen one please let me know LOL.

My post may seem a little harsh, but come back another day and look at it and you will see the light. Right now, cry as much as you want. HUGS

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:24pm
I think we all owe each other honesty, I think that's the least any one us owes each other. This man has said to me over and over again that he will divorce his wife, that I'm the love of his life, that to be without me is like death to him, that we will be together. He actually left her last year to be with me, but their relationship continued. So why isn't he with me now if he can't live without me?

I think he owes me honesty, but he can't give it to himself, so how can he possibly give it to me? We can't treat anyone better than we treat ourselves. He hasn't faced the fact that he will never leave his wife, so he can't be honest with me about. Later for fantasy land.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:27pm
NOBODY OWES ANYTHING TO ANYBODY, DELIGHTFUL. I know its hard to accept it in the mental anguish you are in right now. I have been there and so done that. You will be alright in time and even forget this ever happened to you. Time heals all. I stand by my post and you have every right to disagree with me. LOL

]

Also if you see my post below, I thought my XMM should give me a closure, but heck he did not owe me anything as far he was concerned. Why should he? I just took me a long time to get here, that's all.


Edited 5/2/2003 9:30:05 PM ET by new_life_iv
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:37pm
Your strength is admirable and the title to your posting is so appropriate. Why is it that the women always get hurt? I started having lunch with a guy from work about a year ago. He's older and was not attracted and did not talk about really personal stuff. Then one day a couple of months ago, everything changed. I feel like I've lost my best friend. But I can't allow him to be disrespectful of me and I can't help him to continue cheating on his wife. He needs to stop running from his problems and involving innocent people. As far as any of us deserving better - the question is - are there really any that are any different? In the last couple of months, seven of my friends have come to me with their marriage woes, which is quite depressing. I'm wondering if there are any decent people left?

Best of luck to you. Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 6:48am
IAD,

HUGS... I wish I had some words that would make it all better, but I don't. Anything I could say, you already said... especially >> if he really loved me he would be with me, wouldn't he? Every day he stays with her he is choosing her. He is voting with his feet. He is saying with his entire body: this is my wife, this is who I go home to at night. <<

He might love you, but not enough and you DESERVE BETTER.

Start NC again... keep posting here... nothing you don't already know, but it hurts anyway and nothing but time can fix that...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 8:02am
Delightful - you are such a sweet, caring person. You deserve better than this and perhaps its good that this happened. You have closure on this situation now and there is only one direction to go in - Forward! I think I may have done the same thing - get it all out - let him know how I feel - but I also would not want him anymore. You are a strong person and I am proud of you for what you have just been through and yet you are able to stay focused and write such an insightful post. You will be ok - and you will find a man that deserves you and treats you well.

Stay happy and healthy and know that we are all here for you.

Take Care

Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 8:05am
you are not a very supportive person and just because you have moved forward and past your situation does not give you the right to be belittling some elses situation. Try and remember how you felt when it was fresh - did people support you here? I hope so - because that is what everyone here deserves. Try to be a little kinder to the heart.

JMHO - Sorry if this upsets you.
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 9:40am
Oh IAD -

I'm so sorryfor what you are going through. I guess we're learning some powerful lessons regarding NC this week hey?

I want to say something that I hope comforts you a little - The fact that your OM is with his wife doesn't say he doesn't love you. Actually from everything you've said I think he does love you. What it says is that he's not willing to leave her. There could be countless reasons for why - many do not have to do with love. You've read the stories from the MW here on the board who've chosen to stay with their husbands yet we talk about how special and dear our OM were and we're not sure we can get that with our H, but yet we stay - perhaps obligation, perhaps comfort, perhaps children...many, many factors.

So reality - he loves you, but he's not leaving right now or perhaps ever. Pick yourself up IAD - dust yourself off and recognize you are not going to feel better till you get back to the state you were at before the contact. Not before he contacted you, but before you replied. You seemed OK untill you replied. So what did you learn? Walk away with grace and dignity. You never know what the future will hold, but the present does not have you and him together does it? You have to face that...and then you're going to feel OK again.

Love Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:38am
LOL, i guess I am not being supportive, either. I keep telling GT to be supportive and not being supportive my self. You are right. Sorry. It just upset me to see delightful to put herself through all that anguish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:52am
Sorry - may have been too harsh - but I know how this all feels and how fragile someone can be when it is so fresh and it hurts when I think someone is getting hurt more when they come here for help.

I know you want to be supportive and I know you know how it feels too and it is upsetting to see other people go through it. I am glad we are all here for each other.

Hope you enjoy your weekend.

Take Care

Lyssa

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