Tell me I'm doing the right thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Tell me I'm doing the right thing
16
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 2:57pm

I am so so sick of hurting over this A! The gods were trying to send me a message today. I need to listen to it, but I keep holding on hoping things will get back to the way they were two months ago. I know it will never be like that again. Why do I keep letting myself get hurt like this?

It's been a week since I've seen MM. I've been telling him I wanted to see him today (his day off) for a couple of days, but he wouldn't commit to anything. Last night I told him I'd be over in the morning, and he said to call him. So I said 10:30? He said too early.

This morning I called at 10:45 and there was no answer. Thought he was still sleeping so I went to the store. Called at 11:15 and he was in his car going xmas shopping! I looked at my phone and saw he called at 10:20 this morning, but I was blow-drying my hair and missed the call. I thought, wow, he called ME. Nope. He only called because he saw my number on his phone from another time I called and he was calling me back.

Okay, so I didn't call early because he said he wanted to sleep in, but he didn't. He called me, but only because he thought I'd called. If I would've gotten his call, we would've had time to meet, but I missed the call for the 5 minutes I was blow-drying my hair. HELLOOO! Not meant to be. This whole A is not meant to be.

I talked to him for a little bit, but he was kind of a jerk about it. Said to "be strong". Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't bother him a bit when we don't see each other. We have no chance to get together now for 2 more weeks. I don't think I want to keep an A going where I only see the person once a month or so. What's the point? Lot of pining and hurting for the few hours a month we're together? I don't need this pain.

I've been crying for 2 hours. I just feel like this pathetic puppy dog that's following him around, and I keep coming back every time I get kicked away. I'm a person. I have some dignity. I don't need this man. He's supposed to buzz my phone later today, but if he does, I'm not going to call back. This is it for me. I have to end this. Most things we work hard for and cry over have some kind of reward in it at the end. This is all pain for nothing.

I've had enough.

Breathe

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 12:06pm

Thank you all for your supportive posts. I do feel I am doing the right thing. My H actually figured everything out about a month ago. I deny any IC, but he's not stupid. He wants us to work on our M so bad. He said he's felt like leaving because he doesn't understand how I could have such strong feelings for someone I've known for a few months- enough to put our M in jeopardy. I hate to tell him, but I felt the same way about him 10 years ago when I was cheating on my then-H. It sucks. It's an addiction. I need to do the right thing though this time and stop this craziness and try to stick with my M. My H is a much better guy than my ex-H.

It's so nice to know there are people who know what I'm going through. It's so hard to be strong. I'm doing okay for now. I made it through this morning when I usually call him. Those are the worst times: the ones where you usually call or he does and you try not to think about it. Next week my kids will be home from school and that will make it a bit easier.

After not hearing from him the rest of yesterday, I went to work. I cried last night before bed. This morning I found an IM he left me last night: (12/21/2004 8:39:31 PM) "Hi, Sorry i missed ya today." I started crying again! I want to call him or message him back so bad, but I'm not going to. Yet there's a part of me saying 'well, he did let me know he was thinking about me last night...'

This is SO HARD!!! That stupid part of my brain that keeps hoping if I hold on long enough things can be the way they were. I know that will never happen. I don't want to destroy my M any more than I already have.

Thanks again everyone-

Breathe




Edited 12/22/2004 12:32 pm ET ET by just_breathe_1967
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 12:09pm

<<>>>

Breathe,

I've seen you on this board before. (((SIGH)))) You know, you've received some heartfelt advice here, and no one knows better than the posters on this board how hard it is to make that final decision, and then stick with it.

I hope that while MM is away you'll do some deep soul searching and come to terms with what this relationship really means to you. You can hang on by that thread he tosses to you, or you can sever it once and for all and start a new dignified life. The choice is yours and none of us can make it for you. NC!! It's the only way.

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:38pm

I finally had the dreaded conversation with MM that I was afraid to have. I got the answers I was looking for, but they weren't the answers I wanted.

Here is what I told him in so many words in between him replying back to me.

"I am so sick of feeling like crap. I want things to be the way they used to be. You’ve changed so much. You used to tell me you loved me. You used to light up when you saw me. You liked when I called all the time. You used to look forward to the times we could be together. After the whole work incident, everything changed. I understand that your feelings for me must have changed from that. What I can’t understand is why you just won’t end it with me. Everything has changed now. You haven’t said you love me in over 2 months. You don’t light up when you see me anymore. You sound like I’m bothering you when I call. Now every time I tell you I want to see you, you say no. What message is that supposed to be sending me? You used to talk to me about a lot of things. Now it’s like pulling teeth to get you to tell me anything. You didn’t even want to tell me what you got for Christmas! If you stop sharing yourself with me, you are taking away the emotional part of this relationship. Pretty soon, all that will be left is the physical part. I don’t want that. I feel like our relationship has turned to a master-puppy type thing. I follow you around with that devotion waiting for a bit of attention or for you to throw me a bone. You pay me some attention when it’s convenient for you, or when you see that you are starting to break my spirit. I am not a puppy. I am a person. I have feelings. I just want to give you the love and attention I gave you before. If you don’t want that from me, then just tell me. Don’t make me feel like sh*t anymore. I can’t take it. I want things to be the way they were back in October. Maybe I’m in dreamland thinking they could be that way again. If you still have feelings for me, you need to let me know. You need to figure out what you want from me. If you don’t have time for me in your life, let me go. If you don’t want this anymore, let me know. I don’t think I ask for too much from you. I like to talk to you every day or so. I want to see you every week. An hour or two a week out of your life doesn’t sound like such a big sacrifice to me. If it’s a bother or an imposition for you to fit me in, then I am obviously not important to you anymore. Why don't you just tell me it's over?"

So basically he said, he wanted to slow things down. (I said, to what? nothing?)
He said I wasn't letting him do this at his own pace. (I said, there has to be some compromise.)
He said his feelings haven't changed, just his mindset. (What?)
He said he didn't want to talk to me everyday. (What?)
I said you just want me to basically wait around for you to want to see me? (He said yes in a joking way, but he was serious.)
I said, sorry I'm such a pain in your ass. I won't bother you anymore.

And that's it. I said goodbye and hung up. I haven't heard from him. I will not contact him. I said my piece. After all that, why would I want to continue an A with him?

My father died last night. It put things in perspective for me. My dad was the greatest man who ever lived. He would want me to do the right thing. I miss MM already, but I will get over him.

Wish me strength. I'm gonna need it.

Breathe




Edited 12/29/2004 8:39 pm ET ET by just_breathe_1967
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:04pm

Breathe -

Oh Hunney Bunney! ((((HUGS))))

First of all, let me say how sorry I am about your father. I just went to see my father for the first time in 10+ years for the holidays. I'm fortunate enough that I still can visit him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

As for MM - you know what you have to do...you have to let him go. I know it hurts like hell, but I promise you it will get better. You have an H who loves you and MM has a wife he is not willing to let go of. Nothing good can come of this A. I hoped and prayed everyday towards the end of my A for things to "be the way they were", for xOM to look at me the way he use too, for him to feel the way he did...but it never happened and the pain of letting the A continue (mostly on just a physical level) made moving on even harder.

You have to know that you deserve more. You have to believe that you are better than the little bits he is giving you right now. Stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to control you.

Luv,
Diva




Edited 12/29/2004 11:10 pm ET ET by actressdiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:19pm

~Breathe~


I wish to extend my deepest sympathy for your losses. For me, losing

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:50am

Thank you for your words of comfort.

Unfortunately, at the time I need my H most, he is not being there for me. It makes it very tempting for me to call MM or go see him. I fought it all night, but I won!

I did not go see MM, nor did I call, beep, or buzz him at any time. It may be a small victory, but to me I conquered a mountain today. I just have to go one day at a time like this, doing the best I can. I tell myself that whatever I think I am going to get from contacting MM, it will NOT be worth the pain and rejection I will feel for much longer afterwards. I WILL get over him.

Tomorrow is the wake for my dad. It will be a long day. I don't want my H there. After the funeral, I think my H and I have some things we need to talk about. I think I am ready for some separation. For my own well-being, not for any illusions or fantasies about MM. If my mom can be strong at this time, so can I.

Thanks for the prayers-
Breathe

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