tell me why

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
tell me why
6
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 9:38am

Back story: There is a very good looking, nice single man in town that I actually had a crush on before I was married. He was married at the time and I had been with my ex H for about 3 years and was engaged. But there was an undeniable attraction there. I didn't act on it at all, other than flirt my a@# off with him. We've run into each other over the years - kids same age, etc. but never crossed the line. Fast forward about 20 years. XAP and I are talking about him and turns out XAP worked with him at a part time job all those years ago. XAP remembers him talking about a girl he met that he was attracted to. XAP was convinced that it was me. Which, without going into details, he was probably right. I felt back then that the attraction was reciprocated. Well, cute nice guy got divorced about a year and half ago. As as you can imagine, control-freak-toxic-entitled XAP has been "nervous" about that ever since. I've gone out of my way to not talk to cute nice guy, always reassuring XAP, etc. He had a girlfriend for awhile (which XAP commented that she "looked a lot like me" an also was the one to inform me that they had broken up) I haven't even run into him or seen him in forever.

So, I saw cute nice single guy at the grocery store last night. He didn't see me (thank GOD because I looked like crap - I guess if I'm going to start acting single I have to put on makeup to buy food?) My heart jumped. He looked great.

So, finally my questions. Tell me why:

I feel like I can't talk to or even go on an innocent date with this guy? I feel like I'm doing something wrong by even thinking about him?

Why am I letting the man who just went on vacation with his W keep me from moving forward? Why do I care? Why do I still want to act committed to him?

I'm feeling very conflicted this morning. Also, I had a missed call on my phone this morning from his work - it was before I got here. No message, so it could have been XAP but since other people call me from there, I don't know for sure. Breathe.......

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 11:02am

Bohdi,

Good-morning & hugs (-:

I have just a couple of questions for you:

Why do you feel like you can't talk to or even go on an innocent date with this (or any) guy?

Why do you feel like you're doing something wrong by even thinking about him?

Why are you letting the man who just went on vacation with his W keep you from moving forward?

Why do you care?

Why do YOU still want to act committed to him?

***

I look forward to hearing your answers,

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 11:29am

OK TU, make me do all the work :) My quick answer is: brainwashing?

Seriously, it's probably because I'm not able to completely give up yet. Because I've been involved with him for 7.5 years. Because I really want the relationship XAP and I talked about so many times. Even though I've not talked to him for 12 days, I still have hope that he'll miraculously call me and tell me he's left and he'll show me that he is a completely different person than he has been.

I know, it's all nuts. It's not going to happen.

Other reasons: I'm scared as hell. It's the unknown. The what ifs. I'm scared to put myself "out there". I hope that time will help this.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 12:38pm

Bodhi,


Have you considered at all making an appointment with a Therapist? You have had at least 10 years of dysfunction in your life, including a failed M and then 7+ years with an unavailable man. Your self esteem is probably shot and talking to a professional can help you with this. When we have these kind of losses in our life, we cannot be too proud to ask for help. I wish I had done that much sooner than I did. It probably would have saved me from ever having an A in the 1st place.


Therapy

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 12:53pm

Hello Bodhi,

Your answers give you some valuable insights into what is really (still) going on. Iddy's advice is spot on, right down to being too vulnerable to date right now. Can you really trust yourself to pick a good match? I can't, even months out of wanting to end things.

In fact, I had my first conversation yesterday with a potential 'date'. After 1.5 hours on the phone, I realized with such clarity that I am not ready, nor wanting to be dating. I'm simply lonely & still grieving the loss of the sh&t A, and wanting someone to help distract me from the mess I have created.

BUT - that's how I got into this mess in the first place - running & hiding from what needed to get done within me. So I have just finished drafting a thanks but no thanks email. I simply am not ready or able to risk any sorta hurt, & I don't trust my judgment enough yet to let someone new into my life. Heck - I am still married and hoping for reconciliation with my H. I am grateful to have only allowed myself to be momentarily distracted from the actions that will make that hoping a reality.

(hugs)

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 1:38pm

Iddy and TU :)

I have considered a T - I've been to them on and off since I was in high school. My brother died when I was 15 and my parents divorced a few months later, so I've been a little screwed up ever since. It's been on my mind to find one, I need to go out of town though, to be able to comfortably talk.

I know I'm too broken to even consider this guy - and I know if it's meant to be it will be. Like you, TU I'm just really lonely. And it just made me mad when I saw the guy at the store to feel XAPs claws in me so deeply. I just want to be free to live my life and do what I want to do. I've been free for 6 years, but not "free". I want to be able to have dinner with someone and not worry about a jerk that still sleeps next to his W. I'm just tired of being alone.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 6:33pm

Bodhi-

Now is the time to think about YOU- you and no one else. You have a lot of healing to do before you will be ready to be what you need to be for someone else. Be patient. Let time heal you and seek the help of a T. As far as this "hope" thing goes that you mentioned, you need to knock it off. Once you let go of that hope, you will start to heal exponentially- you really will. There is no "you and xap." That chapter of your life is over and you know all the reasons why and when you are thinking clearly, you are glad. Keep reminding yourself of that. Keep pushing yourself to be honest with yourself. Suffer the short-term pain for the long-term gain. This is YOUR life now- make the best of it- invest in yourself and reap the rewards.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/