To tell or not to tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
To tell or not to tell?
9
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 10:52am

Hi,
Two days ago I and my GF decided to end our relationship. We had only been together physically for two nights, but had maintained a long and emotionally involved phone/im/email relationship for over a year. I was (am?) in love with her, and she still proclaims to love me, even though I have hurt her in many deep ways (mostly lies, all of which I have come clean with her about).

The problem is, she said all along that if we couldn't be together, she would never want to talk to me. Now that we have decided not to be together, she says she wants to maintain a friendship, at least once she gets over the hurt I have inflicted on her. I have TREMENDOUS guilt about what I have done to her, and also what I have done to my W. While I love my OW, I love my wife FAR more, and it is eating me inside what I have done to her.

I know I need to end all contact with OW, but what I really need to know is do I need to tell my W about the A? I mean, physically it was only a couple nights, and I feel like because of that the emotional toll on myself might fix itself faster than if we had been "together" for longer. My W is also extremely trusting, caring and sensitive, and this will utterly destroy her in every way if i tell her. While not telling her is clearly dishonest, I feel like telling her is even more wrong because of how she'll respond.

PLease help me, I am dying inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 6:19pm
This is just my opinion but I wouldn't tell her. Why hurt her if you don't have to? I am not going to tell my husband because I am sure he doesn't want to know. My husband had an affair, a very serious one, 22 years ago. He was going to leave his wife and 2 kids to be with her. We worked things out, he broke off with her and came clean about everything. It wasn't easy, we had some very rough times. Even though I never mention her or throw it up in his face, I certainly never forgot. It gets easier over the years but the hurt is still there. Now after 22 years I did the same thing, I fell in love with my best friend. My husband wasn't paying enough attention to me, the same way I wasn't paying enough attention to him all those years ago. He is being wonderful to me right now, I think he has his suspicions but as I said, he doesn't really want to know. He doesn't want to make any waves and he doesn't want to lose me. Also, I have already read your other post, can you still be friends with OW? That's what I am trying to figure out for myself. I have been friends with OM for over 20 years, close friends for over 5. How do I give that up? It hurts me if he calls and just chats like nothing ever happened but on the other hand, it hurts me very much when he doesn't call or anything, like I never mattered to him at all. Someone else had better answer that question even though I know what the right answer is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 10:08pm

lonely,

I feel the pain you’re in. This discussion has come up from time to time (to tell or not).

There are folks on both sides of the fence – some will tell you to tell, others will tell you not to tell (it also depends if they are the OW/OM or the BS offering the advice). I think it also depends on how easily you can carry that knowledge, and how much you think she would want to know.

I have heard that finding out is about the equivalent of losing a child – that much pain. I have read about professionals that will tell you that you must tell to get it all out in the open and rebuild from an honest base. I have also read that it is selfish to tell and inflict so much pain just to rid yourself of that guilt.

I posted on this some time ago and it may help:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15956.1&ctx=128

This issue is also widely discussed on the All Sides board (most BSs over there feel they would want to know). I’m sure you could do a search on the site:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-ivallsides&nav=start

Good luck, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:26am

If you love your OW, let her go. No contact at all. You will only be hurting her more by keeping in contact. If she is in love with you she will keep living in hope. Work on your marriage.

You say you love your wife more...then you should tell your wife the truth so you can mend your marriage. How can you say you love her and NOT tell her?

Gypsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:34am

I agree. Your spouse is hurt even if you don't tell. In truth, I believe you only protect yourself by not telling. Also, your spouse probably knows something is going on anyway. If you care about your marriage and want to fix it, you both have to work on it. To do that, both partners need to be on the same page. It takes two to make a marriage. Remember, an affair is only a sympton of marital problems, typically not the cause.

BTW, I am one of those who did tell my spouse and it was definitely the right decision in the end. Just be careful how you do it. There are books/articles that you may find helpful.

GOOD LUCK!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:25am

I understand what you are saying Gypsy, and I appreciate your comment. My only problem is that my wife is incredibly caring, trusting and sensitive, and if I were to tell her, I'm less afraid of what it would do to our marriage, and more afraid of what it would do to her. It would probably permanently destroy her, emotionally.

I feel like I've created this load to bear, so it should be mine, and why dump it off onto her shoulders? We have enough problems in our M as it is, without me adding to the pile and making things even more difficult for her.

Am I still off base in your opinion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:48pm

Hi Lonely,

I am in the same boat as you. I'm just a few short weeks ahead in the process so I'm not the best one here to give advice. I can tell you that I am one that can deal with only so much emotional angst at any given time. For the moment I am working through the ending of the A. This board is the only support I have sought. So far it's helping. I mentioned on the other board that at this point in time I have no intention of ever telling my H. That doesn't mean that one day when I have worked through the emotional turmoil I experienced throughout the A and it's aftermath that I might be in a place to come clean. I just don't know. I know that in my current state I can't deal with anyone's pain but my own. I'm not that strong.

I honestly believe you should gently help OW move toward NC.

I know you feel like you're dying. We all know that deep, dark sadness feeling. Everyone will tell you that it takes time. It's true. It's a gradual process.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 7:40pm

I'm a BS and ITA. You went out and did something that will affect your marriage forever. You made the choice, you felt it was ok, you are the one that went out and risked losing your marriage. Well it's her marriage too and she deserves to know what you did so she can go ahead and make her own choice about what she wants to do now. Lots of people will question your motives, are you telling her so she can choose, are you telling her to clear your guilt are you telling her to put it on her shoulders? Does it really matter? It's her marriage too and she deserves to know what went on in it.

I'm also a VERY trusting, caring and sensitive person. My friends and family call me the most sensitive person in the world. And when I found out (no, sadly, very sadly my H didn't tell me, I had to find out through weeks of snooping and finding many hurtful things out one week at a time) it crushed me, but you know what? I'm a strong woman and I can make it. From the way you talk about your wife it sounds like you love her a lot. You talk about her like she's a flower, when really those attributes you talk about are really those of a strong women who deserves more than a secret like this in a marriage. You took the risk. You knew you had a loving caring trusting and sensitive wife, yet you did this anyway. I know this is long and sounds preachy but I'm just telling you what I WISH would have happened in my marriage. And I know you only spent 2 nights with her, but the thing that hurt me most in my H's A was the emotional bond he shared with a few women, the physical stuff was secondary and NOT the reason I was hurt so badly. So the year or so you were e-mailing her, that is probably going to be the thing that hurts her most.

There is a way you can do this tactfully. And I think you are a good man who made a mistake and you need to tell her. It's not fair for one person to be clueless in the marriage and how can you have a happy marriage with a secret? Make a counseling appointment to find out why you did this to a trusting loving caring and sensitive wife that you love so much. You need to heal too.

HTH Lindsay

PS I agree with the others. Staying friends with this woman is impossible and will only hurt your marriage more in the end, more than it already is. Do you want that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:17am

lonely,

welcome to the board ! although not in good circumstances, i would have to agree that letting go of OW is the best thing to do, NO CONTACT with OW , change your cell phone number, block her email or change your email, this will save her and maybe save your marriage also

try to see why u went into an A with OW, obviously there is something amiss in your marriage, maybe professinal help would be helpful

whether telling your wife what happened or not, only you can answer this questions, everyone has an opinion, u have to weigh what is it you want to do now , now that u have broken the trust of your wife, its is up to know since u know your wife most, u made a choice and now u have to face up to the consequences of your actions, there is no right or wrong, only pain and now u need to heal that pain in you and in your wife, family and anyone and everyone u love

i know it is very hard to let go of OW and u feel like its all lost and u are dying inside, but the sooner u let go of OW the better u can see where u want to go, u said u love your wife more than OW, then show her how much u love her ......

my 2 cents, take care of yourself, make sure u eat

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 7:23am

Lonely,

There are two people in a marriage, she should also have a choice in what she would want to do. If you love her you would give her the chance to make her own decision. Trust is a very important. I would not call it a marriage if you have to keep secrets from her.

Gypsy