To Tell or Not to Tell the OMM's Wife..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
To Tell or Not to Tell the OMM's Wife..
27
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:49am

How many of you have told the spouse of the OMM or OMW after the A ended?

Did it bring any more closure?

Do you regret it?

Briefly....my A lasted 5 years. During those 5 years, the OMM was sleeping with at least 23 other women that I know of. I have had my STD and HIV tests. Thank God no HIV, but I have suffered with other STDs that I had to take meds for. He is a sociopath and a sex addict.

I am also friends with the OMM's W. ( He pushed us together...)She is a very special woman who deserves MUCH more that he is dishing out to her. She has been having female problems similar to the ones I was having before ending the A, so I am sure that they have to do with her H's lifestyle.

The OMM lives a life of lies. He has put me into positions of having to lie for him that thankfully now that the A is over I won't have to do... BUT... my life is changed and some of my friends are gone because of his lies. He has called my sister trying to get her to sleep with him ( telling her *I* suggested it...NOT)

A part of me wants to see him hurt, I will admit that. But a part of me wants to see the OMM W make the choice to stay or leave the M based on truths - not his lies. I also have concerns about her health as well...

I wrote an annonymous letter to her. I thought of sending it to her work, with just enough information about where she should "look" to see the truth about her H.

Comments, curses? suggestions? What did you/would you do?

Honey

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:34am
I wouldn't tell her...all it does it hurt her and how fair is that? Are your motives really about her health or hurting him? That's what you have to really think about. Go read the betrayed spouse board or the all sides board....people believe what they want to and there's a good chance she'll turn this all on you. My father's best friend is a chronic philander and gave his wife STDs but went to a doctor (after she went to about 6 of them) that finally said she could get chlamydia from a toilet seat! She finally heard what she wanted to hear. NOW, she looks back (after 40 years of marriage) and asks why she put up with it all those years. But she had to decide that on her own. She forgave him the first however many times she caught him because she wanted to -- and she wanted to believe in her marriage, her life, her way of living. And the person at fault was always the "other woman" -- never her H - and never their marriage. I doubt your story would end any differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 1:37pm


Beth,

First off...the letter I mentioned sending would be annonymous. Actually, all I would have to do is send his *want ad* from the swinger site he posts on regularly.

Secondly, I did say that part of me DOES want to hurt him, but there is a great part of me that worries for Her Health. Now, if this was the classic A...without the perversions that were in his life - then I would just move on, say a prayer for her and wish her the best. BUT this man has been unfaithful - beyond the normal cheater. He engages in same sex activies and group sex without protection!!! This puts his wife in very very GRAVE danger - beyond the emotional and mental injuries his infidelity might cause.

So, while I can understand your concern about just hurting her... what about the chance that her very life might end because of his activities and *I* might have been able to stop that? Talk about guilt.

Personally, I don't care if she "turns it on me" ( which I am not sure how she would determine it was me...but even if she did...) I just want her to get herself to a Dr. and to know the risks she assumes by being married to her DH.

Honey

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 2:21pm

texas,

I can understand where your concern is coming from but just to be foward as you were with
beth. Where do you come from wanting to save his wife? Its a kind gesture but maybe you should take this as a learning experience to practice safe sex next time and leave the wife alone really. What good do you think is going to come out of this that you will be held on a pedistal in her mind but he will hate you if he doesn't already? I don't mean to sound so rude but why would you want to make his life any more of a he$# than it obviously already is? Also maybe she already knows already, As a woman I would think I would know if I had a std's but then again I never had one so maybe I wouldn't. Why all of a sudden after the affair is your guilt getting to you? I think your trying to get back at him and trying to justify your actions by telling her about his activities in return are not your business anylonger. Take care of yourself and get better and move on.
JMHO.
SOUL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:43pm

1. I dont care if he hates me.
2. I don't want to nor will I be held on a pedestal ( key word: annonymous)
3. I have not nor could I make his life more of a hell than it all ready is... the hell that is being lived is the one his wife is living.

Let me say this... I do not SUDDENLY have this guilt about the Affair. My guilt has been my issue since the day I found out 2 years into the A that he was married. I did not engage in the swinging and ongoing out of control sex - He assured me that outside of our respective spouses, that there was no other outside sex.

I'm not trying to justify my actions. Period. I have no justification for my actions. All I can do is live my life the best I can and try not to repeat the mistakes I have made already. Seems to me perhaps you think that I was the cause of the hell in his life.

As for the safe sex comment. I have some choice words I choose not to post here. But suffice to say-- I have had sex one time with this man in the past year. I have not seen him but for less than an hour in the past 6 months. After I discovered his "playing" ( 18 months ago) I required him to wear a condom. THAT was the death of this affair and he constantly fought about having to wear one.

I did not start this post to be declared a "saint" or to be thrown under the next train as some deviant, nor did I want to be defending my actions of the past - the reason we are here is because we had affairs!!!!! Hello!!!!!! Why should I have to defend my actions, guilt, emotions or actions to anyone on this board? I asked a question, because this has been an issue since someone on this board posted to me awhile back how awful a person I was because I was NOT telling the wife about what she may be exposed to by her H. Several posters joined the bandwagon admonishing me for NOT finding a way to let her know. Now, after 6 + months, when I have mulled it over and over in my mind, I ask for opinions and I get bashed. Freaking AMAZING!

Honey

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 4:15pm

Comments, curses? suggestions? What did you/would you do?

This is from your post! You asked I told and now you think your being attacked or bashed because some one responds to your post with something that you don't want to hear or agree with. Sorry to have taken the time to even read.
On to next post.
Soul

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 4:21pm
This isn't about you caring about the wife. This is about you being angry and bitter towards your XMM and things turning into crap and you want revenge. Let it go. If you cared so much about this woman then maybe you shouldn't have did her husband to begin with. Just let it go and move on. This woman will find out eventually, especially if this man is such a blatant sex addict.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 4:24pm

SCU2002,

You said it so much better than me. SOUL

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 4:24pm
Oh, and another thing. We are all here because we all had an affair, but I for one don't think that that makes our situation all similar. Some of us have different boundaries of what we would and woulnd't do in the affair. For some it was a relationship, for others it was hard core sex. Stop batting your eyelashes and playing some kind of victim. You are a woman that posts pics of yourself online for money.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 4:36pm

If you are friends with her and she is complaining to you of these symptoms, tell her it sounds like she should see a doctor. There are many conditions that could cause pelvic pain, and some are quite serious. That's all YOU need to tell her. The doctor will tell her the rest.

Believe me, you will NOT get closure by exposing him to his wife, and you WILL regret it if you do. It is intentional cruelty, no matter how you justify it to yourself, and it will come back to haunt you, count on it. You have a lot of recovery to do to get over the affair and the damage to your self-esteem. Don't make it worse!

Your desire to help her is a good one, but you admit that you also have the desire to get back at him - and when you shoot that flaming arrow SHE's going to be the one you hit. We've all had some pretty rotten impulses during this roller-coaster ride of ending an affair - I could write a screenplay just from conversations I've had in my head with XMM's wife. A year later, I thank my lucky stars that I KEPT those conversations in my head!

You will move towards closure when you stop concentrating on HIM and start concentrating on YOURSELF. Like: why would spend five years of your precious life in a relationship with this disfunctional man who slept with 23 other women - and risk your own life in doing so? Since you ask for suggestions, I strongly recommend therapy to help you understand how you could treat yourself this way. I'm not trying to be negative here, the suggestion seems valid under the circumstances, and is made with love.

I wish you the very, very best in getting over this and creating a better life for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:10pm

MSH

Thank you for a rational reply to my post. Rather than attacking me, you said somethings I have said to myself in the past few weeks and THAT was my purpose in posting here.

This will be my last post on this board. It seems that no matter WHAT I post it turns into an attack on me and my character.

Your made some valid points in your post. I am currently in therapy, but have not even mentioned this need/thought to "tell the Wife" yet, but I will next week. Unlike some the readers of this board, my therapist knows all the truths about my A. I didn't see the need to rehash it here. Apparently, I was wrong.
Yes, I did waste 5 years of my life in an A. 3 of those years I was legally seperated and divorce papers pending from my H. He told me he was sep and pending divorce as well. I moved across country at his request, which is when I learned he was M. Yes, I should have turned around and ran for the hills, but I was sucked in. I "loved" him and thought we would be together. I did not find out about the other 23 women, and the other details I will leave to your imagination until the year or so of our relationship - and I fell prey to his lies, and yes, there is that part that we all play called denial - and I was turning my eyes the other way and hoping I could love him enough to make him change. I belive in his heart he is a good person, but he needs help and even though there is a part of me that wants to hurt him, there is that part that STILL wants to save him. Go Figure.

I'm not some sex crazed woman as another poster would make you think. In fact, I am a church going, hard working professional, with a whole lot of baggage - like most of us on here I am sure. I never professed to be a "victim" although, if you knew the entire situation, you might agree with my therapist that is fact I was a victim, as is his wife.
But, I won't continue.

Thank you to the posters who took the time to read my posts without a need to reply with venomous responses. Good luck to the friends I have made on this board over the 5 years I have lurked on the board and posted.

Honey

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