To Tell or Not to Tell the OMM's Wife..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
To Tell or Not to Tell the OMM's Wife..
27
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:49am

How many of you have told the spouse of the OMM or OMW after the A ended?

Did it bring any more closure?

Do you regret it?

Briefly....my A lasted 5 years. During those 5 years, the OMM was sleeping with at least 23 other women that I know of. I have had my STD and HIV tests. Thank God no HIV, but I have suffered with other STDs that I had to take meds for. He is a sociopath and a sex addict.

I am also friends with the OMM's W. ( He pushed us together...)She is a very special woman who deserves MUCH more that he is dishing out to her. She has been having female problems similar to the ones I was having before ending the A, so I am sure that they have to do with her H's lifestyle.

The OMM lives a life of lies. He has put me into positions of having to lie for him that thankfully now that the A is over I won't have to do... BUT... my life is changed and some of my friends are gone because of his lies. He has called my sister trying to get her to sleep with him ( telling her *I* suggested it...NOT)

A part of me wants to see him hurt, I will admit that. But a part of me wants to see the OMM W make the choice to stay or leave the M based on truths - not his lies. I also have concerns about her health as well...

I wrote an annonymous letter to her. I thought of sending it to her work, with just enough information about where she should "look" to see the truth about her H.

Comments, curses? suggestions? What did you/would you do?

Honey

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 7:53pm
Well atleast you're getting some much needed therapy. Goodbye and good luck.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:01pm

Honey

I hope you will reconsider leaving, this board is for people like yourself leaving an affair or dealing with the aftermath of one, so feel welcome to hang around.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:13pm
Usually I would say no, but this woman's LIFE is in danger.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:25pm
As a former BS -the nobility on this board makes me want to cry!!! You women are downright heroes. I wish my ex-H would have had an affair with one of the women on this board. For Pete's sake - send an anonymous note to the probably disease-ridden wife, telling her to get a thorough exam - it might save her life!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:50pm

Honey,

I don't think you should tell OMM's W about your A, but if she has mentioned to you that she is having "female" problems I would suggest/demand as her friend that she go straight to her gyno. I would assume if another female friend mentioned such complaints to you that you would do the same. Assuming she does have something, then it's up to her to deal with it (i.e. believe her H or recognize that he's cheating on her). I'm so sorry that OMM gave you STDs. I hope everything works out for you.

Blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:52am


Sanquine, your kind of thinking ( and mine) is what caused me to be bashed on this board by a couple of posters. This is truly NOT about ME being a victim, or being hurt, or trying to win an award. I thought long and hard about this last night. I thought about the "what ifs": what if I send her a note, and she chooses to ignore it and believe her H is a wonderful man ( I doubt she would do this) - well her choice...but what about if I do nothing... and she does end up - not with a treatable STD- but with HIV. The XOMM is engaging in high risk sex - unprotected. How would I feel if she ended up with HIV - early discovery is the best situation for HIV - supposing she DOES discover her H's activites on her own...but maybe a couple of years down the road...how WILL I feel - how would YOU feel? That is my issue.

I CHOSE to end the A. Yes, I have issues about feeling betrayed, ( Oh go ahead and bash me SCU and SOUL...LOL), I have issues about wasting 5 years of my life on dreams and hopes that had no chance of coming true, I have issues about what allowed me to be blinded by his charm, wit, lies, etc. BUT this is about her health. It is not about wanting revenge anymore. I don't want to make her life hell, if I did, I would have told her 2 years ago when I WAS angry and was resentful and was hateful...but the edge of those feelings have worn away.

Yes, we all got into the A for different reasons. I did not intend on this even being an A. I was seperated, living 1200 miles from my H. Living as a single person. I believed him to be a single male, who lived in a different state ( not just down the road from me) who traveled a lot. I made the decision to continue the A based on love, caring, friendship - he felt like family - he knew things about me that I never had shared with my H. It was not as SCU would make it seem, that I had the A for hardcore sex. I never chose or participated in the lifestyle the XOMM participated in, I believed our relationship to be mutually exclusive.

Here I go again trying to explain 5 years in a post. I still don't know what I will do - so I am thinking it through. Whatever my choice, I don't think I will share it here on the board. I left this board 4 years ago because I felt like there was too much beating down on this board, rather than mutual support, ability to freely say what needed to be said in a safe environmen. I came back every so often to try it again. This is the only place I felt I could openly and freely talk about the A, my emotions, etc. This board was my support group, I guess, I lurked most of the last 4 years, occasionally posting. I can respect disagreement ( SOULISCRUSHED) I guess I draw the line at personal attacks.
I don't think anyone on this board is above reproach - whether you entered into your A for "a relationship" or "hardcore sex" it is all the same when you come down to it - it was based on deceit and lack of honesty.

Honey

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 10:58am

Texas,

I did not personally attack you. You asked for comments and curses so I told you my opinion as everyone is entitled too. If you feel that I personally attacked you then I apologize full heartedly really. I feel for you and what your going through all though every one feel different about your decision you and only you can make the final move.
Believe me I know what its like to be in a relationship for 5yrs I was in one that long just like you. No the turn out wasn't any thing like yours but it could have headed that way so I put a stop to it just like you. I took it as a learning experience and know I will never engage in that kind of behavior again but I also know my decisions did not affect anyone but ME.
Good luck to you.
SOUL

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:41pm

Hiya TH,

Firstly, wave a warm hello to San Antonio for me, it's been far too long since I was there.

To address the point at hand, I gather you consider yourself "friends" with the MM's wife. Fear not, this is not about to become some kind of rant about integrity or friendship since this is a support rather than a debate board.

It seems to me that the kindest, most loving thing you could do for this friend may well be the kiss of death for the friendship. Better a dead friendship than a dead friend, eh?

If it were me, I would face up to my friend and explain as sympathetically as I possibly could that her husband had given me STD's, be specific about which ones and the symptoms & treatment thereof, give her a note of the clinic's name/address/phone no., offer to be available should she wish to chew you a new one at some later stage but to PLEASE get herself seen FIRST in order to rule out more serious STD's.

I could do no less for a mere acquaintance, TH, but it's your call and always has been.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 4:57pm

I thought about the "what ifs": what if I send her a note, and she chooses to ignore it


What she does with the information is none of your business.

Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:17am

Soul,

I went back and re-read your post. And, in fact, I don't think you meant to "bash" me. My emotions were a little ragged the day I wrote MY post and read your response. I think the comment of why I would want to make his life more He$$ than it was, is the line that did it for me.

I guess, because I know in the big picture his life IS hell, but he is so dysfunctional he doesn't even realize it. I guess someday I will get over how his life just goes on like normal - and he gets richer and richer and screws more and more people! I (willingly but blindly) gave up a very good career and very good money to continue with the A, and I am angry about that. YES, YES I DID IT, no one put a gun to my head to make me make those choices...but at the time I was not making decisions with all the facts. So...my life goes on and as they say,

When life hands you scraps....
Make a Quilt.

Apologies,
Honey