To Tell or Not to Tell the OMM's Wife..
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:49am |
How many of you have told the spouse of the OMM or OMW after the A ended?
Did it bring any more closure?
Do you regret it?
Briefly....my A lasted 5 years. During those 5 years, the OMM was sleeping with at least 23 other women that I know of. I have had my STD and HIV tests. Thank God no HIV, but I have suffered with other STDs that I had to take meds for. He is a sociopath and a sex addict.
I am also friends with the OMM's W. ( He pushed us together...)She is a very special woman who deserves MUCH more that he is dishing out to her. She has been having female problems similar to the ones I was having before ending the A, so I am sure that they have to do with her H's lifestyle.
The OMM lives a life of lies. He has put me into positions of having to lie for him that thankfully now that the A is over I won't have to do... BUT... my life is changed and some of my friends are gone because of his lies. He has called my sister trying to get her to sleep with him ( telling her *I* suggested it...NOT)
A part of me wants to see him hurt, I will admit that. But a part of me wants to see the OMM W make the choice to stay or leave the M based on truths - not his lies. I also have concerns about her health as well...
I wrote an annonymous letter to her. I thought of sending it to her work, with just enough information about where she should "look" to see the truth about her H.
Comments, curses? suggestions? What did you/would you do?
Honey

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Thank you Posie, I still have not made my decision but I am giving it careful consideration.
Hugs,
Honey
(wavin' at San Antonio for ya!!)
Hiya TH,
<<>>
I find myself wondering what there is to be considering.
If you're worried about whether they'll return your lawn mower or the all-singing-all-dancing fancy schmancy food processor you loaned them months ago once you drop the live grenade into your friend's lap, well, let's get a little perspective here.
From experience, there is no "right" time to give someone news that is going to deeply hurt them.
From common sense, the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes.
Even more unpleasant is the prospect of your friend catching cooties that will flat-out kill her are increasing exponentially on a daily/nightly basis. If in the tragic event your friend has already contracted HIV, then at the very least she may begin treating it with the appropriate pharmaceutical cocktails in order to grant her the best possible chance at a more comfortable & productive longevity.
I spent many years in the entertainment field and I have friends (plural) with HIV. The best treatment for HIV is, of course, protection from it in the first place. That's not currently an option for your friend. Once HIV has been contracted, your best chance for warding off progression to full blown AIDS is *early* treatment.
This isn't about you, TH. It's not about affairs or MM or even your friendship with MM's wife. It's about saving someone's life regardless of personal cost to you.
Bearing the above very much in mind, here's a question to add to your careful consideration:- Were you and your friend's positions reversed, exactly how soon would YOU want to know?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Hi there,
Okay, I'll also throw in my 2 cents and to be honest, I agree with you!!!
I haven't posted on this board in a while. I am not gonna get into my story, but some of the stuff you said sounds exactly what I have gone through with my xMM.
On our first IC, I wanted to use a condom, since I barely knew much about him. Of course, we, women are always the one who think about protection. My xMM didn't even bother to bring a condom when we had IC. Stupid me though, on our second intimate encounter we didn't use any protection. Oh, was I soooo stupid! It got me pregnant and then I had an AB afterwards. Not to mention after our numerous break-ups I freaked out "what if" he gave me some STD's too. So, I ran to the clinic and had my HIV test done. Thank' God it came back negative!!!!!
Also, after my AB I was still in contact with xMM and was still intimate with him. However, I told him that we have to use protection since I don't wanna get pregnant again. All of a sudden his attitude towards our A has changed. It's like, he didn't want to use a condom, so he started getting distant with me. He was obviously a player!!!!
Now, as far as you telling his W about your OMM's cheating habits....I say DO IT!!!! I know I will get bashed for this from other posters, but then again we all have different opinions and that's why this board is here for. I plan on doing the same to my xMM. However, I am gonna wait a few months, until xMM is totally out of my life and he also forgets me and then I plan on making an annonymous phone call to his house when he is at work and his W is at home. I know by doing this it's still not gonna resolve anything and it's probably none of my business telling my xMM's W about her cheating H, but he has done this before and he will hurt many more women.
It's like what another poster said. If you see someone about to be hit by a car, would you just stand there and let them get hit? Of course not, you would take action.
Plus, in the long run, my xMM might sleep with the wrong woman one day, who WILL give him some disease, which he will bring home to his W. So, yes, these men need to be stopped!
JMHT....Good luck!
I sent a letter to her place of employment. I didn't want to send it to her there, but it was the only way I could see that she would get it without it being intercepted by her H.
I am going against the recommendations of my therapist ( a former OW and BS) for reasons I see no need to post here. THAT was my dilemma. I thought I would seek out the suggestions from others on both sides, but that did nothing to help me make the decision, it only angered me and make me feel as worthless as I felt during the A.
Good Luck to you all..
H.
Funny, you didn't care that much about this woman when you were f#$%ing her husband.
You did what you wanted to do, now go away. Aren't you late for one of your photo shoots?
Jazzdiva
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