Telling the Betrayed Spouse the Truth
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| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 9:53am |
I've been involved in an affair with a MM for a year and a half. I am separated but was married when I made the decision to become involved with this man. I chose to leave shortly thereafter. I had been unhappy in my marriage for a number of years, probably from day 1.
Prior to getting involved with my MM, I asked him repeatedly if he knew what he was doing as this was a big decision for me. I knew I would say goodbye to my marriage. He still pursued...relentlessly. Assuring me of his love and affection and pride for finally having found his soulmate and best friend. He had been miserable in his marriage for a long time as well.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we live in the same community. My husband, my family is aware of who I'm seeing but his wife is not. She knows that he is attracted to me and she definitely senses that something is going on. She has confronted him but he denies it, which hurts...as I didn't balk at telling the truth as I felt and feel no shame for choosing him. Sometimes life happens and it's better to do the hurtful thing than to drag things on. He told me he wants to let things just crumble. I told him that it is in his best interest as well as his wife, kids and mine as well to be upfront rather than to drag things out.
Things have become pretty intense for him. His work has fallen behind -- he's in a very senior position, which he takes immense pride in having been able to attain this level of success. He volunteers for his kid's activities. She watches him constantly. She calls him at work when he's working late. She doesn't let him out of her sight at the kids' activities (as yes, it's possible that I'll be there) and he's become become extremely stressed out and angry/miserable at being pulled in so many directions. He told me he'd leave by September so he's feeling that pressure as well.
I have pretty much come to the conclusion that he is not going to leave despite the promises he's made. He's in an "I need space" mode. He'll settle for what's easier in order to alleviate the pressure in the short term. I feel like a fool but I have no one to blame but myself. I hate the lies. I hate being made to carry on this lie as I chose not to live in a lie from my end. I despise the pretending. I can't stand the shame he places on us. There shouldn't be any shame for loving someone. I chose to be upfront with my spouse and left. I see her struggling with wanting to know the truth and I feel for her. I want the same thing -- TRUTH. I have told him that if she ever came to me, I would tell her the truth. She apparently has threatened to do so but he has told her she better not and she has listened. I've seen how she's changed over the year.
She lost alot of weight --looks great...but the lines on her face show a difficult year. She is trying to hang on to a man or rather a lifestyle she never gave a second thought about prior to this whole thing. And he seems to have forgotten how miserable he's been for the past 10 years. He's become very confused. He says things like "she does her thing and I do mine and maybe I should just stay and carry on this way so I can still do things with the kids."
I know in my heart that I have to let him go and it is hard because I know, I took a risk. I made a tough decision. I do not regret it. I know my heart. I love him but I deserve better than this.
Anyway, many times, I have worked up the courage to tell her the truth but then I see him and I say to myself, "I love this man. How could I hurt him in this way if he chooses to stay for the sake of his two boys?" As he has said, this has nothing to do with her as if it was just about her, there wouldn't be an issue. He would have left long ago.
Part of me wants to hurt him for all the hurt and lies he's told me. Another part of me wants her to know what she's dealing with. And then a more noble and righteous part of me, says don't inflict anymore pain than what's already been caused. He'll be back to reality in no time. AND then there's still this part of me that wants to tell so I have finality.
I have always thought that how you react when your spouse finds out, will make things very clear about where your truth is.
Has anyone had thoughts of coming clean?
W.

Check yourself.
R12
If you tell his WIFE he will 1)HATE YOU 2)he will continue to LIE and DENY DENY DENY.
You said the man has LIEed to you a great deal wahy on earth do you think he is suddenly going to change and become a man of honor, he has done nothing but LIE to you and his wife his actions are telling you who he really is.
PRIDE: will not let him willing loss anything the JOB /YOU / his wife and family/ or his standing in you community.
Forget him and his wife and save yourself.
JMHO
Free
I really appreciate your response. "Save yourself"....I like that. That can become my mantra over the next several, difficult months. If I never had to see him, it would be the ideal thing but living in the same community, our kids playing sports together...it's tough. I have been purposely avoiding places where I know he'll be even at the expense of seeing my kids but I think this is what's needed for now until I'm sure of my strength in letting go.
He can deny all he wants...I have emails and voice message that prove his guilt...if I wanted to be vindictive...BUT I DON'T. I don't want to cheapen my feelings for him. I was true to myself and I followed my heart.
Signed,
Saving myself in Canada. :)
Thanks...
Wow. It's funny how you rationalize your own situation and think its so unique until you read about someone else in almost the same situation.
Like you, I told my H (now exH) the truth and moved out and filed for divorce. MM did move out but lives in an apt I can't go to bc his family does not know about me. Its been two yrs now and I've been participating in his lie and waiting for the divorce to happen. Unlike you, I don't see his W but I've met her. For a long time, I hated her but gradually I've come to see what she had dealt with over the past 10 yrs. I've come to feel bad at enabling MM to live a lie and allowing him full access to my apt, my friends, my life while his family and apt were off limits to me. What his wife, kids and family actually know I have no idea. At this point, I do believe that the divorce will eventually happen but you have to wonder about the type of man who could live a lie for two years. LIke your MM, mine has also fallen behind in his work and gotten spoken to several times and he has a high position where such behavior is not tolerated. Simply put, living a lie puts tremdenous stress on these men.
I have threatened to tell her the truth countless times but never really planned to. I know that it would unlease such a wrath of fury from both of them on me. At this point, I'm not sure what will happen with me and him but I've told him I can't participate in this anylonger. I *think* he is getting divorced soon but I am still not sure what will happen if he does. His actions over the last years have made my friends despise him and I'm not sure it can be undone. His lying to his side will not make it any easier for me either.
Anyway, I dn't think I really answered you post but of course I have thought of telling her but its a lose-lose situation and the fallout will be on you. Don't do it.
Ivy
You know what Ivy...I wouldn't mind chatting with you further. You can email me at
hark_5@hotmail.com
I, unfortunately, do not feel I will get to that point. I certainly thought I would and who knows what's going to be but at this very moment...he won't move out. He doesn't want to leave his boys. He's not admitting to himself or me but I can read between the lines. I just would have appreciated him being upfront and truly thought out his intentions, his limitations before dragging me into this. I KNOW I had a choice but I trusted him. Naive, I know.
How did you find the strength to leave your family? see my story May 20th.. My MM and I have known each other for so long... we both struggle with leaving our families. I don't think he will leave, high status job, image, two young boys, 20 year marriage and lives other side of the country.. But we love each other so... I cannot live with the lies, and deceit.. I need to leave both my marriage and this affair.
Dee
Dee,
It's tough. I'm not going to tell you otherwise. I actually made lists, saw a counsellor because I didn't want to be making decisions from the wrong source -- emotions, quizzed my MM constantly, talked to myself constantly, read articles,everything, etc. I didn't take this lightly. I believe decisions of this magnitude need to be made with logic and then you can add in the emotion.
But despite all of this, I ended up leaving both relationships. I ended it with my MM less than a week ago. Now I'm alone. I'm actually ok. I don't like being lonely but I'm actually ok being alone. I'm not lonely. It hurts. I miss him. I still love him. But he doesn't exist for me. And if I think about it, he's probably never existed. I was the one going to bed alone at night and waking up alone...not him. Despite his unhappiness, he still had/has the comforts of home and a warm body to lay next to. No sacrifices on his part. I want 100%. I'm worth 100% and so is his wife (you'd never have me say this before but after much debate on the All Sides board, I've got some new revelations to contend with). And if he's not willing to give her 100% then he should leave. And if he's not willing to give you 100%, then YOU should leave. You shouldn't settle for less. Finish off that relationship before he enters another. BUT YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS!!! It's not what's in your heart right now because it's an addiction. Start breaking your habits. If he calls at a certain time everyday...change it to every other day...etc...wean yourself off.
Women have great intuition but unfortunately, most of us ignore it. I'm guilty of this too. Up until Xmas, in my heart, I knew he was leaving but over the past couple of months, intuitively, I knew things had changed. The pressure, the intensity became too much. Everyone has a moment when their heart meets their mind and you know what needs to be done. I couldn't stand the long, drawn out pain and turmoil that he was putting me through. I'd rather just have it over and done with. He was in a position of control and I felt like I had to take it back. From what you said, your intuition, your fear is telling you he won't leave. Make some decisions for you not with the idea in mind that it's for the two of you. That was my mistake. Visit the All Sides board and have a read at what the betrayed spouses have to say or the other women...it's very enlightening.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ivallsides/messages?msg=341.2
If you don't have a network of people to support you, it's really, really tough to let him go. Take a class, although I found taking a class was difficult because my mind was always with my MM. I just wanted to be available for him. I wanted to share my time with him. You can't do that. Force yourself to do other things, even if you don't want to.
I recently found a neat site
www.deciding-on-divorce.com
There's an interview with a psychologist who lists how you know it's over as well as a discussion on staying for the sake of the kids. When I brought up this conversation with my Counsellor, she said, ask yourself what's it doing to you? what's it doing to your soul? I knew my answer. I was dying inside staying with my Husband even though he's a wonderful man, a fabulous father, etc. Some relationships just don't feed your soul. They just weigh you down. I looked around our huge home and I kept saying, it's just a house, it's just a house. You know what, it is just a house. I made it a home and I could make any other place a home as well but hopefully, someday with a more compatible match.
That's my take,
W.
Reisling,
Your post brought me to tears. I know this has been hell for you. The divorse, the MM, the decisions, the beginnings and the ends, so much heartache and pain. BTDT but my affair took place long after my 2nd marriage had ended, so at least I was used to losing. Athough my affair