Tempted, but resisted today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Tempted, but resisted today!
7
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 1:50am

I got off the roller coaster and onto the freight train of this board today...

My "should I?" moment was this afternoon. After smashing my heart in an ambush on Tues (the "I've started seeing someone else so sorry I've blown you off the past couple of weeks" BS), he made a half-hearted pathetic fishing attempt today. I wanted so badly to go. Just one last time. But I heard the voices on this board like a freight train and actually had to talk myself out of it aloud. NO!!! NO!!! Nothing good will come of it, and you'll leave there tonight feeling _much_ worse. Knowing that sad, sickening feeling would follow an encounter, then he would blow me off for days/weeks....finally hit home, it's just not worth it.

Nothing is worth this crippling pain. NC is the ONLY way.

This week has been h*ll. Just awful. And time has been agonizingly creeping by. I'm so very aware of every minute and how he keeps coming back inside my head when I try to shove him out. Just my phone ringing last night spawned such hope that it was him - even if I was not going to answer...just to break down in tears when it wasn't. Of course it wasn't him. He had better things to do. (I blocked him from IM me...but can't figure out a way to have his # blocked from my phone when H and I are on the same acct - afraid he would find out - he knows this guy/phone #).

And, to make matters much much worse, I work with xAP in a fairly small department. I've managed to be able to ignore/avoid him since the Tues ambush.

So why the text attempt today? And only a "meh" attempt...not even a real one. Guess I don't matter much, cause it certainly wasn't worth much effort. But then I hear the voices on this board screaming to me IT DOES NOT MATTER. And you know what? You are right. It doesn't.

It doesn't matter why he tossed me out like yesterday's trash, how I could so easily be replaced. What matters is the why I felt I didn't deserve to be treated better, and let him do this to me again and again and again.

BUT - today I blocked and walked. And it was SO HARD. But I did it. Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone, who take the time to post here.

Now to just get through the weekend without beating my head against the wall - withdrawal sucks.

Hugs,
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 4:38am

misty

Hugs back to you my friend - you don't even 'need' anyone here in a way cos you said all the right things to yourself and followed through with the right actions as well!! Awesome job, you're learning already :)) and you're showing incredible strength of conviction!

Yes, the pain is indescribable to anyone that hasn't been through it. But I'm four weeks NC this Monday and I'm still here to tell the tale! I can't really believe it cos at times I've felt like 'throwing in the towel', believe me. Even now I'm fighting tears back at any given moment, but what keeps me going is thinking about how I've got through the last four weeks and how I don't, for the life of me, want to do this all again. Ever. Ever. Each day that goes past is a step in the right direction. A step towards freedom, dignity, integrity and much improved self love and self esteem.

Keep going misty...you CAN do this!! It'll be sooo worth it xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 12:19pm

Bestrong<

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've been following your story and you have given me so much strength to _finally_ do this...after too many times this JAM has shattered me and my self esteem. I'm so sick of waiting around for him to call me/not call me/want to get together/then blow me off. I want my life back. I've been so selfish and taken so much away from my H and son.

Four weeks sounds like eternity. You've made it so far - good for you! Me - right now just getting through today is challenging. But I know if I tried texting or calling, he would probably just ignore it. And, once again, I would feel rejected and deflated. NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC...

Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 12:38pm

That's terrific, Misty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 2:47pm

Misty!
Good for you, sweetheart. One day at a time. that's is all you have to do - little by little by little! It's easier to handle that way! You are rocking it, even though you're hurting. Remember how strong you are and be very proud of yourself.

Bestest,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 2:58pm

Misty,


((HUGS)). You words and feelings are so much like mine - at times word for word!!


I have a devoted H and son too. And yesterday, I broke NC too. But he initiated it - that does'nt make my responding any less irresponsible. I am beating myself for it! But I *think* I can pick myself up yet again and walk with my head held high. I have been in the ground too long. Not another day, another instance and certainly he will not be denting my self esteem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 5:05pm

Thanks for all the kind word guys...it's one minute at a time today, ya know? One minute at a time, for this week at least.

I just got back from a birthday party for one of my son's friends...I didn't know a soul there. I'm kinda proud of myself, tho. In the past i would have delayed RSVPing in the hopes that I would have had the hookup time with xAP...instead, I RSVPd early, and went, despite my shyness around crowds...met some great people and actually had a decent time.

It was two hours and I didn't think of xAP once...until it was over and I was leaving. That's something, right?

Now a nice long nap is in my immediate future (after I sabotage my son's party favor bag...I think I might have seen some mini dark choc milky ways in there...). I'm just so very tired with all the emotional draining.

Peace,
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 5:53pm

misty

I'm so glad I've been able to give you even just a little bit of strength to get through the pain. And you have done the same for me too you know!!

And yes...xAP would ignore me too if I tried any contact now. And he would be sooo angry. And so "I knew she'd do this, she's never been able to stay away from me". ALERT!!!! **EGO TRIP!!!* No way am I going to give that to him, ever again. Cos it's at MY expense!

Keep going beautiful...you CAN do this!!

xx