terrible depession how do i move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
terrible depession how do i move on?
7
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 12:58pm
hi all,
i wrote about a week ago, about advice, this is a little of my story, i was with mm for a year he had been seperated from his wife off and on this last time he was seperated 2 months, well she came back ,and the last i heard from him was on sunday easter, i asked him if he wanted to come by he said yes about 7-8 well he never called or showed, he has done this to me once before. well he has not called , at first i had so much anger, if he didn't wanr to see me, he could have just told me so, or called or something!! he hasn't even been a man about this and called me to sayanthing, i can't see you now etc. i need some kind of closure, must people would say something, i can't call him because of his wife, but now the terrible deppession is setting in i keep waiting for that call, which i think probably well never come!! how do i move on i am so deppesed, he could have a least the resept to say something!!thanks candy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 3:28pm

Candy

There is no easy way through this there are stages you pretty much have to go through, you may find some answers in the articals below about grief.

Closure is a nice idea but is rare in these situations and trying to get it from the AP can often only drag things out and make them more painful, if there is anything that helps I think it is deciding for yourself that your done with the affair for your own good and closing that chapter of you life.

In my opinion the only persons respect that really matters in the end is YOURS, you need to respect yourself and refuse to accept a low standard of treatment from anyone including YOU, see yourself as a human being worthy of the best that life has to offer not the worst.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 3:42pm

I have to agree with Free. I don't think there is real closure unless you have made the decision in your mind to move on. I have tried to have numerous discussions with my xOM about my feelings, ending it, whatever. Everytime I just got sucked back in and it was just prolonging the end. It wasn't fun anymore to question his motives. Always wondering why or if. We may never get answers as to why they don't leave their Ws, why they lose interest, etc. Most of these men are not truhtful with themsleves. How can they be truthful with us? Sometimes it is best to move on without saying a word. I know some women post here about how great and truthful and deep/compassionate their OMs are, but unless they actually do leave their Ws, it is only a matter of time before the OW feels the same pain you do. It is inevitable, I think. Good luck.

Despr8

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:48pm

Just ended it a little over a week ago. Sad, but not devastated. Only 5 1/2 months into it, but long enough to realize that there were red flags from the beginning. He never intended to leave his W. They ususally don't. They tell you what you want to hear, just to keep you in it. When you start to pressure them at all, for any kind of committment, like the fact they they WILL leave, their behavior changes. The fantasy is over. It is only a fantasy when it remains a fantasy (to them).

In my case, I expected a future with MM. I was not going to be in it for any other reason. But there were excuses from the start - when his last child turns 18 (he's 16 now). Like I was going to wait two years. He told me he loved me right away. He didn't even know me! He felt this "spark" and just had to get to know me. But then I found out his marriage wasn't bad, he didn't hate his W. In fact, she is beautiful, and does everything for him. He goes out and stays out late and all he would get is a cold shoulder for a few days. What a nice set up!

I found out he cheated on her when they first got M. That he is a flirt and always has been. He was so smooth. His lies were so convincing. He would even look me straight in the eye thinking that would convince me he was telling me the truth.

But the truth was, that there was nothing wrong with his marriage or his wife. The flaw was in his own character. Probably his whole life. Someone who grew up without love in his family who seeks it out in other women. He hates his mother. He disrespects women in general. That is why he can cheat and think nothing of it.

It's the thrill of not getting caught. But because of his home life, he will never leave. Why should he, he has it made. But he doesn't appreciate what he has, or can't, and because there is something wrong within himself, he cheats.

I found out so much in such a short time. I am glad I did. Then it occurred to me, is this the kind of man I would want to end up with? Could I ever really trust him?

I once read something in a book that said, when you look at a man as a potential partner, ask yourself these questions - Is this someone you would want your son to grow up like? Is this someone you would want your daughter to date? If your friend was with this guy, what advice would you give her?

It is so much easier to sit on the sidelines and give advice than to be the player on the field. But, when you look deep down inside and really trust your gut instincts, and follow your head and not your heart, it's amazing how much clearer it all becomes.

Why do we allow ourselves to be treated this way? For me, it bothered me that I knew he still slept with his wife. If I was in a R with a single guy and found out he was with another woman, he's be yesterday's news. So why was I ok with this? Well, I wasn't. What I had learned, was that if a marriage was in trouble, it was going in one direction - divorce. Either the guy was already divorced, or in the process. If he was simply in an A, it was a sign something was wrong, but not necessarily an indication he would leave his W. If they can have their cake and eat it too, why mess up a good thing? Where's the incentive to leave either (W or us)?

If you break it off and they remain with their W, they weren't going to leave anyway. If you break it off and they do leave their W, then perhaps you meant something to them. But to stay in it doesn't give them any incentive to make that decision, because they don't have to make a choice.

My MM said to me, "you don't have to do this - the ball is in your court". To that I said, "no, you're the one who's married - the ball is in your court." He again said, "no, the ball is in your court". I knew right there what that meant. That it was up to me to stay or leave. That he would stay in it as along as I allowed it, because he had no plans to leave his W anytime soon, if ever. So, I ended it.

Think of what being in an A does to you. No continuity of a real R. No vacations, holidays, weekends, etc. with this guy. Plans always disrupted because of family obligations. If something happened to him, who would call you? You are an outsider. You have no real ties. He belongs to someone else. A whole life he has built with another person - family, children, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. A lot to leave for one person. And for what? A few stolen moments that are built on fantasies, lies, and lust?

Well, that is at least what I have experienced. Maybe other A's have been more successful and more meaningful. Do not judge mine to be what all A's are made of. But that is what I learned in my short 5 1/2 months. Like I said, I learned a lot.

I am not so sure that under normal circumstances, in an open, honest R, we would have such a great R. What we had was not built on your normal relationship expectations. And I for one, have vowed never to date a MM again. Normal R are hard enough, but the stress of an A was too much for me. I hated lying to people around me about why he wasn't spending more time with me, why he wasn't here for the holidays, etc. And I hated that he wasn't.

I think sometimes if you are truly alone, at least you have a reason. But when you are in an A, and that's the reason you are alone on a Holiday or some other important event, it hurts more that you are alone.

Sorry if this seems like such a long post, but I hope in some small way I have helped.

Hugs to you. You will get past this. Don't give in to it. Respect yourself. You deserve better.

Fire

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 10:59pm

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am glad and grateful you took the time to write a "long" post. Every word helped me as I am sure it will help many, including the intended.

hugs to YOU, Fire, for being so generous and how you worded was gentle and thoughtful, and filled with really big lessons learned through pain and intelligence. This is all so hard and confusing for many of us. Thank you for sharing and caring,
:::::::hugs::::::::::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:53am

(((FIRE)))

Your post is by far, one of the best I've read on this board. In only 5.5 months, you have exposed many of the falacies of affairs, and your insights put my 4.5 years (over now) of denials to shame.

<<>>

My XMM said the same thing to me (and yes, many red flags), but I refused to acknowledge it/them. After all, I was just so "special" ;)

<<>>

I never expected to have one, although subconsciously I always desired one. That turned out to be the highest hurdle I had to jump over, and then finally walk away from.

<<>>

You receive an A+ for your insight on this one.

<<>>

I hope everyone reads this over and over again. To realize that we are/were nothing more than a little something on the side, that by willingly giving ourselves to them whenever they wanted us, fed/feeds a void that "ANY" woman could fill. If not you, it will be someone else. It's true, the MM likes being married,(regardless of the poo-poo he tells you), but also likes having his ego (and other things) stroked, and with you adding that spark and excitement to his life, he doesn't have to face the real issues going on inside of him. You are a deterent, not a solution.

<<>>

A plethora of reasons such as low self esteem, lonliness, validation, etc. None of which are healthy reasons for entering a relationship "OF ANY KIND."

<<>>

It will devastate you in the long run. Staring across an emply table, in an empty room at an empty chair on Xmas Eve is the cruelest kind of lonliness, and here you are...doing this to yourself, by yourself, for what? Someone elses husband???

<>>

The truth and nothing but!! Thanks for your post sweetie, IT SPEAKS VOLUMES.

Id




Edited 4/4/2005 10:10 am ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:21pm

To Lizzie and Id,

Thanks for your responses. It was hard to write. Being the break up is less than two weeks old, the pain is still fresh. But, the feeling of being used far outways the feeling of any loss. In plain truth, I was lied to, I was used, and I was nothing more than something on the side. Like you, I noticed many red flags in the things he would say that made me think twice. But being caught up in the moment, I would dismiss them. The time he spent with me was wonderful, but the time away from me was agony. Truth be told, I was miserable. It started affecting me in so many ways. My work, my family, etc. I became obsessed with thoughts of him. How could I let him control me like this?

Ironically I told him of my last two (bad) relationships and how I was treated. He said - how could a smart gal like you allow a guy to treat you like that? LOL.

I asked him what he saw im me. He said he liked my character - he could tell I was a good person, real sweet. Translation? S-U-C-K-E-R! It's like they know what type of person to hone in on. He told me it was love at first sight. (I can see you all putting your finger in your mouths right about now).

He asked me alot about myself and then used it against me. Told me just what I wanted to hear. That I wouldn't have to move - he would live here. Blah, blah, blah. If only he had met me later, why now? The timing was just all wrong. But if I were patient, he would leave his W (yeah, right). All I kept hearing was I'll never lie to you, I'd never hurt you. I want to grow old with you. He paid for everything. Know how? He worked side jobs and kept the money hidden from his W. His "cheating" fund.

But I caught him in lies, and he was always contradicting himself. He tried to convince me he wasn't sleeping with his wife and then later fessed up and said he told me that because he didn't want to hurt me because he knew it bothered me. That was the last straw.
I said you can't have us both. If you are still sleeping with her and the marriage is not bad, and you don't hate her, you aren't leaving her. Stop lying to me. I told him I would not be in it any longer and ended it. He wanted to meet to talk about it and I said, what's the point. It won't change anything. He said, then, that's it, it's over? I said, that's right. Don't call me or contact me anymore. It's over. Goodbye. Haven't heard from him since and don't expect to. He'll be on the prowl in no time looking for someone else to take my place, and I know it.

For me, I realized all of this right away. And thank God I did. I am grateful for going with my gut instincts on this and not wasting years of my life on such a loser. I feel sorry for his W. She has no idea what a jerk he is.

But you are right, Lizzie, he cannot face whatever it is inside of him that is making him act this way. He is a coward. If he put his efforts into his own marriage it could be wonderful. His W sounds like a great person. He's lucky to have her. But she has no clue how much he is robbing them of a great marriage by seeking elsewhere what he can have behind his own front door.

Fire

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:57pm

((Fire)),

He sounds like a player. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else. Men like him know exactly how to bait, cast, and reel in their next supper for feeding that supersized ego. I'm sorry he hurt you, but realize that the biggest red flag is that wedding band on his finger. Us women are the ones who could have saved ourselves a whole lotta pain by just noticing that first, and realizing what it means, "He made vows to someone else."

You have a great sense of humor and a gift for writing. I hope we will see more of you on here and if you are at all into debating the pros and cons of affairs I would like to invite you another board where I usually hang my hat.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ivallsides?redirCnt=3

You would be a real assset over there for us XOW's and the OW's who are still struggling to take notice of not just the red flags, but who's backyard he stole them from.

If you do come over to "Allsides of an Affair" I suggest lurking for a while to get a feel for the hardcore honestly that floats aimlessly around capable of landing on anyone at anytime.

Stay strong...I know you are hurting, but like "fire and rain" *YOU* are a necessary element for your own survival.

Peace,

Id